On Sex and Romance
Alexander Gordon Jahans
Warning: I will be talking about my views on sex and romance. If this idea repulses you or squicks you out, leave.
It is tea time on the last day of January 2015 and as I write this one of the great burdens of recent months has been laid to rest. I have cataracts but they have always been there. My next big medical issue will be the one to address the issues of my body's confusion regarding gender. Suddenly sprouting tits is not usual for a man after all.
So I sit here, vision blurred from eye drops, my thoughts inevitably looking towards my next appointment. I'll spare you most of the details but suffice to say the physical issues have been a psychological burden, a lead weight on the soul. So I need to confess my sins and renounce my strangeness. I need to admit who I am before I can fix something so indelibly tied to who I am and how society sees me.
How can I be so confident though as to share something so personal? I mean I am wracked with depression and self doubt and I am being open about that which I am most ashamed of? How? Why? Well firstly I am honest to a fault, I don't even like committing lies of omission which has made meeting people hard. "Hi, how are you?" is a greeting of courtesy not a sincere question so I answer relatively "I'm good" - in this specific instance when usually... and it cuts. Secondly a man I much admire once wrote an article in a public paper about his abstinence from sex and I know that at most there will be fifty views on this blog. If Stephen Frey can do it so can I and I already tried running away and considering suicide so why not go for the hat-trick?
No, seriously go! This is your last warning!
I am a bisexual geek which biologically means I am attracted to certain types of people of any gender, though I am pickier when it comes to men, but in practice means that there are times when I get rather annoyed by my sudden lustful fixations and how they detract from my writing and enjoyment of video games and TV series. You see I don't and (due to certain biological issues) can't have sex with myself. My lust is biological, a chemical induced fixation, but solely romantic. There is an appreciation of the biological form of the subjects of my lust and my imagination can sure think of fun things to do with the people I find myself lusting after but in practicality it is a fantasy.
That distinction of lust as something in the mind and not biological is why when these urges drive me to distraction I find myself writing romance stories without the sexual element and not utilising the simply astounding set of porn a few clicks away on my ever present web browser.
Porn is boring, it's just predictable images of the same staid movement. So what? There's no story there, no reason to care, it's just a sordid piece of art and like art it takes a second to see and then there's no reason to continue looking.
What excites and exorcises the demon of lust is seduction and romance. The slow burning firework of interaction, the rising unresolved sexual tension and its climactic release in a simple declaration of mutual trust and understanding. It helps if both parties fit my shallow ideals but isn't necessary.
Because love and romance is how I deal with lust I am rather old fashioned in wanting some ideal of true love. I want a woman who will take the lead and if possible make the first step. I don't want to be a creep adding to the poor treatment of women, I want to be their prize, their piece of meat, their reward for finding the courage to ask. Perhaps that sounds arrogant and maybe it is but I know that part of me still wants to believe in that myth and so this way I figure that until I am confident enough to be the one who asks I can be the guy who makes the dream come true for somebody else.
Submissiveness in men is still very much taboo, a hang up we've had since the Romans, who were fine with the emperor having a relationship with a man so long as he did the penetrating. I know from my own research though that fetishes related to submissiveness are very common among men. Heck even some of that vore stuff is kinda hot to me and that's the fetish of being eaten. It's a topic that is very squicky and I think that if I just stated the size of my penis and what position I prefer that'd almost be easier to discuss for some people. You may not want to imagine my penis but at least you're broadly familiar with the concept of a penis and what it looks like. The idea that a man might like surrendering power to another insults the patriarchal idea that man is strong. How dare you surrender power to another? How dare you want to be weak and helpless before someone you trust? It's pathetic isn't it? And that's why so many men with submissive fetishes and fantasies are screwed up internally and end up breaking down before dominatrixes. (What is the corrrect term for more than one dominatrix) As men we know just how violent, angry and abusive men can be, we know that to admit to weakness is social death and even if people aren't so judgmental (because they each more than likely have their own hidden demons) we feel the judgment in our own heads. The voice that is entirely our own and calls out our weakness and unmanliness. The terror of being seen as less than a man. A terror that drove me to the doctors when I grew tits and kept getting mistaken for a woman. A terror made terrifyingly nightmarishly real when my own mother lectured me on how I needed to get hormone treatment because I wasn't manly enough. A terror that causes fans to cry out at the prospect of a female Master, female Doctor, female James Bond or female Ghost Busters.
The terror must die.
George Bush was right.
Now is the war on terror but it's not the terror of extremist muslims, it's the terror of the unmasculine that society is rightly going to war against.
See I want the woman I marry to be some fantastic scientist who wins a nobel prize and makes the world a better place and maybe she's in love with her work and always busy but there I'll be with a mug of tea or coffee, a Sunday Roast and homemade cookies as I work from home on my novels or scripts. That's the future I want. I could do the finances and some DIY but I have poor hand eye coordination and bad eyes, even with glasses.
I guess it's time to draw this to an end so what are my conclusion. Sexually I am bisexual but I live to serve and get the pleasure through romance. Romance wise I am what I eat, a nice bird with big breasts ready on the plate of whoever asks for me. Culturally I feel stigmatized and have depression because of it but I won't give up and I won't give in, I will champion the cause for the submissive to be respected in society.