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Friday, 31 July 2015

Bill O'Reilly bullying the Homeless has catalysed me

A message to the Blairites

A Message To The Blairites

By

Alexander Gordon Jahans

Before I begin I want to make something very clear:
What is happening with Jeremy Corbyn and the Labour Leadership contest is amazing. This man has rejuvenated a nation of dispossessed voters and given them hope again. He is a sign that this doesn't have to end in bloodshed and history is not a jackboot smashing down on a human face forever. He is optimism, awesomeness, morality, love and wisdom in one and I genuinely think this is bloody fantastic. Jeremy Corbyn is a great man and a good one too.

But what do we mean by him being a great man? Well the messianic elements have been touted as the story of Jesus is monomythic and very much part of our popular culture but for me he resembles nothing so much as Julius Caesar. The man who defied the corrupt political senate and appealed to the public to get into power but isn't just a narrative fit because really there isn't much similarity in terms of story. Why Jeremy Corbyn makes me think of Julius Caesar is something far more nerdy: Our approach to studying history.

In the past you had the great man theory of history which arose pretty much from the memorization of names and dates. When you see these names crop up again and again it's easy to think that it is something about the people that makes them special: Julius Caesar was amazingly charismatic and lucky and a great general so that's why the Republic fell.

There is however another approach, first posited by Karl Marx I believe, that says that actually history is shaped by these great impersonal forces and the great men take advantage of these forces. In this interpretation of history it doesn't matter if you kill Julius Caesar because the people will demand a new populist emperor and oh yeah that's exactly what happened. If you killed Adolf Hitler as a Baby this theory says that the third reich and the second world war still happens only the details will be different.

What is interesting is that in this moment of history we can see the great impersonal forces of history inaction because everyone has a twitter or a facebook or a youtube. We can see that the people have been demanding revolution, have been demanding an end to austerity and restoration of the welfare state. Heck you can possibly argue that the reason it's taken two elections to get to this point of galvanized support is that the Lib Dems had a whiff of power and fucked it up because they did not trust the people to vote for a lefty majority and decided to be a restraining bolt on the right wing instead.

A nominally leftwing party that did not trust the electorate to vote for a leftwing majority and so decided to act as a restraining bolt on the right wing instead? Huh? That reminds me of someone. Oh yeah Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall and then their shadowy overlords, the Blairite higher ups, threatening to stop the election of Jeremy Corbyn, I mean the leader of the Labour Party and even perform a coup to get rid of him.

Which reminds me of why I'm writing this, my message:
If you perform a coup you will set a very dangerous precedent possibly for generations to come because if you think you can go against the democratic will of the people to ensure a right winger remains Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland the people will respond in kind and there are more of us than there are of you.

To any spooks watching and wondering if I am a terrorist I ask you what happens if you arrest me or torture me or kill me or whatever the hell it is you are supposed to do? Do you think that the words I have said will cease to be true? Do you think the danger of bloody insurrection will vanish because the guy warning of it vanishes? I don't really care what happens to me but I sure as hell care what happens to the country if anyone is stupid enough to defy the will of the people at this critical time.

Incidentally I don't seriously think anybody is looking at my blog in government but my family is quite keen to impress upon me the fire I am playing with by having the balls to be honest so this is my concession to pragmatism. A hearty fuck you. I will not give up writing about what I care about on the off chance that the government take issue with it. 

Vigilante Justice and Cecil the Lion

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

If you're happy and you know it ramble about introspectivity

I had a dream...

I had a dream...

By

Alexander Gordon Jahans

Fetishes are subjective. You may think tv series, videogames or films are subjective but there at least a common consensus can be agreed upon to determine quality. Fetishes are niches so subjective there are no commonalities to judge against. At least aside from the basic morality of consent. This post contains reference to fetishes, the author assumes everyone is sensible enough to understand that fetishes are a highly personal thing and that when they are talked about everyone understands that the author is talking from their limited perspective on a subjective matter and not in fact generalising. 

So that said...

I have felt conflicted about my fetishes for a long time, partly out a desire to be normal, partly because writing about it in my fiction and talking about that has revealed that certain feminists find it problematic and partly because of an innate self loathing that says that something that makes me feel so good has to be wrong somehow. I have struggled with this almost my entire life and it has always been because of one core problem: Are these fetishes practical?

Practicality might seem an absurd question to have about fetishes, I mean I am aware of fetishes that defy biology, survival instincts and the laws of physics, if you can get off on it, what's the problem?

Well lets start with my first fetish microphilia that arose out of a very weird dream I had as a kid where I was basically god watching over a house of women, I don't know maybe I'd played a bit too much of the Sims but once I realized I had the fetish I researched it and it became fixated in my mind with a very simplistic narrative namely a women shrinks for whatever reason and needs to be looked after by a hero or heroine who comes to their rescue. I actually still think it's quite a fun pulpy storyline concept as you have the mad science of how the shrinking occurs and then the zany hijinks of adjusting to a radically different lifestyle but as a fetish it lost its lustre because of how utterly impossible it was. Although thinking back perhaps the very impossibility of it made it a safe enough scenario in which to start thinking about relating to women because being an autistic loser kid bullied every day does not exactly give you the confidence to seriously think about women in the romantic sense even if back then I did actually have a girlfriend.

Anyway so I wanted to transition to something milder and something more possible. It's quite ridiculous risky, this snotty nosed loser fat kid analysing his microphilia fetish and saying "Well there's a woman in danger saved by a hero who keeps her like a hamster in a cage, what's that similar to? I know a cat or a dog" I suppose I'm lucky I hadn't got into the supernatural or the Discworld yet or I might have ended up aroused by werewolves. 

Anyway I decided on how I wanted to transition my fetish to a watered down more realistic thing in quite a cynical move but then I had to come up with a reason that the woman would need to be kept as a pet, hence the creation of the sylph pill in my fiction, I literally created an entire subspecies that I genuinely want to try and tell quite interesting stories with because I wanted an excuse to have a microphilia type fetish that did not involve shrinking. This has been a cornerstone of my sexuality ever since. The idea that people could become pets. In my stories I have explored a lot of aspects of this other relationship type and I do feel now that there is enough lore for it to not just be an excuse to have this fetish anymore but it's actually this very complex position within the fictional societies. I mean there's the story of how this magic drug came into being, the story of how the magic drug is exploited by the corrupt and the story of how society comes to terms with and accepts people being pets into society as an integral aspect of it.

I have become I suppose quite protective and proud of my idea as I do feel that I have rather accidentally stumbled upon a way to tell a unique version of the struggle for human rights, sexual identity and understanding one's own self. Quite worthy and weighty themes that I think any writer should feel proud that they can tackle. 

There is of course another level in that they have helped me come to understand myself. With the concept of the sylph I could come to terms with love and lust and jealousy, of possessiveness and submissiveness and I am far wiser now than I was before I created sylphs. It's not just that sylphs are a blank slate and interesting concept to me as a writer that helped me do this, it's that they are in many ways a typical relationship without the need to have sex. Something that I now understand is very important because of course, thanks the genetic mutation effectively hitting pause on puberty by stopping the testosterone production, I am a full on red blooded male who can get attracted to people and fall in love but at present I can not orgasm. In a world where sylphs exist my little problem doesn't have to be a problem because there's still meet cutes, awkward dates, moving in together, a legally recognised pairing and a relationship that involves relationship specific touching and getting to see your partner naked. Sex itself just isn't a factor, in fact it's taboo. For my very specific problems that I've only recently found out about it's almost the perfect fetish infact. Convenient that.

So now that I have explained my fetishes to satisfy the curious lets talk about why I wanted to write this highly personal blog post. Well recall a blog post I wrote recently called Blast! My Sexuality! In it I expressed how the testosterone replacements had upped my lust to a seriously distracting extent and how I wanted an exorcism to get rid of the hot chicks hogging my attention, well I had a dream...

I had a dream that I was at some socialite party and a nice woman started talking to me, one thing led to another and well she became my sylph but she felt lonely because a technohermit is not exactly the most outgoing of individuals to spend the rest of your life with so she insisted we go to another socialite party and while attempting to convince someone to become my sylph I accidentally ended up getting asked out by them and she had a mate who wanted to become a sylph (apparently actresses like to take the pill because it means they can keep acting for longer, yes I am so cynical even my wildest fantasies feature moments of dark satire). One thing led to another and we ended up a family of four.

As dreams go it's rather pedestrian but its importance lies in what it achieved. It allowed me to unify my fetish for sylphs with my burgeoning desire for a proper girlfriend. I mean the world's a big place and the internet makes niches easier to find. Maybe it would be possible to find a woman who'd want to wear a collar and hang out and maybe it would be possible to find a girlfriend open enough for that kind of relationship. Not saying it's likely but it's possible and to someone who likes to solve problems that's almost enough to know that if I cared and tried and was patient enough it could happen. What is far more notable though is that the dream exorcised my demons. I am no longer constantly distracted by hotchicks. It's like I flew through the sound barrier, massive insane pressure, a really big explosion of energy and then... nothing. Quiet again. I have crossed the hot chick barrier and I am out the other side able to think clearly again.

Also and I realise this may seem like a non-sequitur but I want to end this on a high note. Part of the reason why this year and this illness has been so rough is the realisation that I have a tiny cock, sorry if that's news, well now that I have passed through the hot chick barrier, my dick is consistently increasing in size. Hope springs eternal, this is a brave new world and one day soon I may actually be able to come. A conventional relationship may actually be possible in the future. I find that so exceedingly awesome. Love finds a way.

Also to any future girlfriend or boyfriend who might be watching this, yes I really am this shamelessly honest. Sorry about that.

Sunday, 26 July 2015

The People's Militia of America

The People's Militia of America

By

Alexander Gordon Jahans

Before the world bites me for what I am about to suggest and outline I would like to make clear that of course I think the best solution is for America to just ban guns or institute gun control. Of course I think this is the best practice. Of course I do. 

However America is a, and I apologize for my bluntness, a deeply fucked up place. Greed, corporate corruption, pragmatic selfishness and misguided loyalty to a misinterpretation of one amendment of the Bill of Rights has turned it from a place of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness into a self sustaining form of corporate feudalism. America would greatly benefit from Tony Blair, this is how fucked up it is. So understand that my proposition here is a concession to pragmatism and the need to restore order and power to American communities and hopefully save people from the worst tyrannies of gun crime while appeasing the American desire for guns.

So without further ado lets get down to the proposition.

Part 1 - The Problem

America has a massive issue with gun crime and the figures are unbearable but it's kind of created a nuclear taboo where guns are so prevalent and gun crime is so common that people don't want to tighten up gun control because you can't magically remove guns overnight from everyone in America at the same time. There will be a lot of hold outs and you don't want to be without a gun when one is used on you. The National Rifle Association also has an inordinate amount of power, far more than even corruption should give them. Something has to be done but America can't just snap its fingers and get rid of guns. It can't even be a grass roots local level movement because guns will be smuggled in and now only the criminals have guns and that will end badly. You can just see it on the news can't you?

Anchor: "And today a small town in Iowa that instituted a gun free policy was massacred by a lone wolf with a gun ranting about liberal scum. It's a pity, if only someone had had a gun lives could have been saved..."

Part 2 - The Pragmatic Solution

The 5th Amendment refers to the right to form a citizen's militia. So lets give America a citizen's militia. The People's Militia of America would be an independent locally run democratic organisation. People who wish to sign up would have all their details taken, be made to undergo a psych evaluation and in return they would be given training on how to fire every gun they could feasibly own and after passing the training they would get a discount on guns bought from the organisation, a uniform they have the option to wear and a badge certifying that they have the right to act on behalf of the organisation.

The People's Militia of America could have any political affiliations they wish and would be allowed by law to make citizen's arrests of suspected gun crime perpetrators. Thus meaning that they could reliably fill the role that police should, namely deescalating dangerous gun crime situations.

Importantly the People's Militia of America would be implemented without any attempt to push through gun control being made. This has to have the full support of the far right and the NRA to work.

Part 3 - Why The Pragmatic Solution Works

Firstly and most importantly I believe the far right and the NRA would love the idea and thus it could be enacted.

Secondly this is in principle the logic behind the NRAs "The answer to gun crime is more guns" except in this case you aren't just giving everyone guns. You are encouraging people who are trained to use guns correctly to use guns they are familiar with. Now when there is a gun crime problem a member of the People's Militia Of America has both the experience and training to know when to shoot and when not to and also the authority to act before anyone is shot in a way that prevents anyone being shot.

Thirdly every member of the People's Militia Of America has all their details on a database and has to carry a badge to act in the name of the People's Militia Of America. This means that people who are planning or go onto murder others and become members of the People's Militia Of America can be easily caught and monitored. The need for a psych evaluation also means that they can weed out the mentally unstable and give the police a heads up that a mentally unstable person wants a gun.

Finally the People's Militia Of America gives local people a democratic organisation to turn to when problems arise and this can stop people becoming vigilantes

Part 4 - The Aftermath Of Enacting The Solution

This needs to be thought about and discussed because this is is the crux of the situation so here is my perspective:

A. We will see gun crime tackled effectively before or as it happens because members of the People's Militia Of America can be everywhere people are as they are people and not state controlled soldiers.

B. We will see the force of the market finally affecting the police as people now have a choice about which armed force capable of making arrests they take their problems to. This will be very interesting. I imagine the black community will embrace the People's Militia Of America because you can always vote in a less racist and more effective head of the local militia, can't do that with the police force. We may also see the People's Militia Of America better able to fight the war on drugs because they can protect witnesses to drug wars without being more of a reason to kill the witness.

C. In an undemocratic corrupt oligarchy run country you now have a country wide organisation that is run democratically at the local level, made up of and run by local people, and they have guns and the authority and training to use them. And to think David Cameron's freaking out about trade unions? This will drastically upset the apple cart, this will be like the Marian Reforms in Rome or the similar army reforms in revolutionary France only instead of having dictatorial generals with loyal soldiers you have democratically accountable authority figures with the ability to make use of coercive force. Suddenly money is not worth so much. It could back fire like those examples and lead to a new Caesar or Napoleon but I personally believe it's worth the risk because the situation in America is very dire.

Blast! My sexuality!

Blast! My Sexuality!

By

Alexander Gordon Jahans

Hot chicks! Hot chicks! Hot chicks! Tall blonde beatiful hot chicks showing flesh. Hot chicks being badass superheros fighting bad guys. Hot Chicks out thinking the enemy. Hot chicks out debating the enemy. Hot chick scientists. Hot chick hackers. Hot chick nerds. Zarquon save me from my constant lust for hot chicks! It is really really distracting!

This is not some men's rights activist post I blame no women. I blame my cock and my brain and the genetic mutation that caused me to have not enough testosterone and so now upon receiving testosterone have no way exorcise my lust for hot chicks. Okay analysis. Focus. There will be hot chicks. Focus.

Why aren't as distracted by hot dudes? I'm bi aren't I? Hot chicks! Gah! Focus.
I was heavily bullied and grew up in a Conservative safe seat. Homosexuality was an insult. You learned to hide it. I also had a lot of hero worship and so the two kind of joined and my attraction to men was excused as hero worship. Heterosexuality was normal and I have always wanted to be normal and so I have chased any kind of attraction toward women to a desperate degree. Exacerbating a microphilia fetish into a more standard and heavily watered down bdsm style fetish. Hence probably how by the time I matured enough to realise I was bisexual I viewed men healthily. As in if I am going to have an attraction towards a guy they have to be something special like Many A True Nerd, the kind of guy who is witty, moral, interested in similar things to me and nice while my attraction towards women is far more shallow, hence - Hot Chicks! -how a testosterone boost has more completely distracted. Hot Chicks!

I cannot masturbate by the way. Not yet at least. So there is no way to exorcise these demons. It makes no sense. I can't do anything. I just really really really want in some nebulous way hot chicks. It is absurd. I keep asking myself "What are you going to do with them? Supposing you actually manage to encourage a hot chick to see you and consent to you what the fuck are you going to do? Yes kinkiness knows few boundaries but what the fuck is the point if it's not going to help you and you're still going to be just as frustrated by the end of it?"

But I don't care. I just see some blonde thin woman and I want her naked before me like a hungry man wants a roast dinner or a bucket of kfc. There is some visceral chemical urge, a great hunger demanding satiation and I cannot help myself I just picture hot chicks again and again over and over and it is so distracting. It is nice becxause that's part of the chemical hunger but if dwelled upon that lack of satiation turns to frustration and it's just really really distracting. I do hope this doesn't last long.
 

Friday, 24 July 2015

America's recipe for disaster

What the fuck am I going to do with my life?

What the fuck am I going to do with my life?

By

Alexander Gordon Jahans

I have to be up at 8 am tomorrow to found out the result of an urgent blood test due to low cortisol and before I went to bed I was subjected to an insult that seems insultingly optimistic: Cuckold.

I am a man with tits and a tiny dick who can't yet masturbate, I have crippling social anxiety no social skills and I live at home with my bipolar mother and abusive father. That "You have a girlfriend that shags other blokes" is seen as a killer insult to someone who would love a girlfriend I didn't have to have sex with just underlines how thoroughly pathetic my life has become. 

I am going to have to have an injection of testosterone every 3 months even supposing I do get a good job meet someone and move out, oh and if I want kids I need to rely on IVF technology advances so healthy sperm can be isolated and frozen. Those are issues that affect me even if I get some Disney style happy ending. And oh by the way that also means I have to tackle the ethical issue of whether I want kids with autism somewhere down the line. Being made to consider eugenics of wiping out your own demographic is kind of heavy stuff to have waiting for you down the line.

There is of course nothing to say that I will get there. I am a writer. I am destructive in my sleeping habits and eating habits, I obsessively consume information and I am desperate to play a game other than minecraft that is enough like minecraft that the way I play games doesn't have to change. 

Oh and I have haemoroids which means I occasionally bleed from the arse and there are cataracts in my eyes that are slowly turning my blind and necessitating stronger and stronger glasses. Oh and I hsave rhinitis which means my nose is always running and thus frequently bleeding, meaning I need some sort of hanky or toilet roll near me all the time which naturally every stupid fucker uses to make a crack about masturbation. Also this means that I look like an utter simple ton for much of the time bvecause my nostrils are so often clogged that it is just safer to always have my mouth a little open especially when I'm walking or running. Oh and when I do clear my nose it is completely disgusting and I get scolded for sharing the disgustingness with other people. You only have to watch my do it and you can look away.

Intellectually I feel like a complete idiot. The internet is good at reminding me that I am smarter than others but that does not help the complete feeling of dread about just what the fuck I can do in the future. At this point my writing is basically some personal mission. A need to tell this story bur once its written I'm not editing it. That shit goes out, typos and all. Plus - and this is stupid - I feel like any success I might have is not deserved because I am a white male. People don't need to read my stuff they need to read stuff from someone who can better influence future writing. Heck even that's patronising isn't it? The brave white man standing aside to let the little people have their turn.

I'm wondering whether I should do an MA in something different. I mean like history or philosophy or some scientific field where you don't actually have to know anything just do what the bigger scientists say for a regular pay check and look back on all the advances your legwork helped create. Except this is where my experience with politics comes into play and I know that I would effectively be trying to give myself purpose in a way that won't actually make much difference to my chances of getting a job but will land me in massive debt.

This leads into another issue. I don't much give a shit about buying stuff any more. This is why every time I have money I buy food, or maybe audiobooks and books for tabletop roleplaying games because I do still love stories and ttrpgs are my version of a night out, they are where I get my socialising done. Even then though I have access to a printer and piracy is incredibly easy. I mean I've criticized governments for thinking they can just wave a magic wand to make drugs go away but the whole digital piracy situation is insane. Digital piracy is basically capitalism trying to ignore an instance in which we are post scarcity. People buy computers and external hard drives but fundamentally data is free and the law basically saying "for capitalism to work you have to pay for this stuff" just highlights the ridiculousness of capitalism. I don't want a fancy car or a fancy house or the latest must have x or y, I want tasty and healthy food in my belly and good friends around me. I kind of have that already. Where is the incentive for me to climb the ladder and become a billionaire when actually I don't need that much. I'm not even a holiday person I get bored by these things. I just like being around nerds and talking to nerds and this being the internet I can do that from home.

When the only measure you have for a good life is the shit you own and the people you're with and you are broadly happy with it what the fuck do you do with your 60 plus years of life? Is writing half arsed shitty fetishistic pulp scifi, playing table top roleplaying games, going to conventions and watching letsplays and listening to audiobooks and podcasts enough? Honestly I don't know. It feels like it. If I didn't have the societal demands to "have a career" I think I could be quite happy with that but it does feel empty.

Douglas Adams once said "I love deadlines, I love the whooshing sound they make as they go by" and that's always stuck with me. Initially because I am an amazing procrastinator and Douglas Adams is one of my idols but now I see the text for what it really is. I miss the adrenaline rush of deadlines I miss the fear of failure the resigned acceptance of doom and defeat the sweet relief and release of completion and hand in, the high of "Holy shit I got a B for that" The roller coaster of emotion. When I was watching series 3 of The Wire I empathized so much with Jimmy McNulty's desperate cries of "I just need a case!" because that sense of pressure and focus defining you and giving you purpose is what I entirely understand. The roller coaster is addictive. If life is so great where's the fucking rollercoaster?

Thinking about it though Douglas Adams is the perfect example of the kind of life I perhaps thought I could aspire to. Douglas Adams is a famous procrastinator, massive Doctor Who fan, wrote things so late they were rushed beyond the point of editing, His signature work was something he has never redrafted but consistently rewritten in different mediums, famously reused old ideas. He script edited Doctor Who. He was a joker working regularly at the BBC. Had famously long lunches. did his bit to raise awareness about the need to save the Earth and its endangered species. He worked with some of the finest comedy minds in Britain. He is someone I genuinely looked up to and admired and now I look at it that's the life I want, except I'm not sure its possible now. The BBC is not the titan it once was and the world has changed so much so radically so recently. The dream of late lunches and later scripts doesn't look so possible now. Indeed the BBC rather looks like that distant older relative that you keep expecting to go at any minute and are rather surprised that they haven't.

What am I though if not the boy who carried a towel to school and got the snot kicked out of him? Am I now the weird loser making strange videos on the internet? Where did my ambition and drive and hope go? What do I do now? I am so used to having the answers but I don't have them now. I have been mindfucked by too many people and not in a good way.

Actually thinking about it what if someone were to try and mindfuck me in a good way? And I don't mean in the counter to the apparent shame of cuckoldry kind of way, I mean if autistic people are so easily mindfucked and I am such a headcase why doesn't someone try to mindfuck me into having confidence and purpose? Is this one of these if you have a prime directive only bad guys will interfere with lesser races instances whereby anybody capable of mindfucking in a good way will decide that mindfucking is bad, leaving me to get him with negative mindfuck after negative mindfuck.

Urgh!!! 

Anyway I have to be up in 3 hours, I better go.

Thursday, 16 July 2015

The Crossroads

The Crossroads

By

Alexander Gordon Jahans

I stand at a crossroads before me lies the left, hope, and the right, fear.

The left fork in the path is the good news:
I can leave the home of my abusive father.
I can receive the testosterone to let me live a normal life.
I can run my first Dungeons and Dragons campaign.
I can hope for a left wing democratic victory to sweep away the neoliberal horseshit.

The right fork in the path shows the bad news:
I can suffer benefit sanctions.
I can be dependent on the state for my health.
I can humiliate myself all over again
I can fear a neoliberal jackboot pressing down human existence until stupidity and climate change wipe us out.

Except the thing about a fork is that the prongs run parallel to each other and to a large extent whether I am travelling along one prong or the other is a matter of perspective. 

It is possible that Jeremy Corbyn will win the leadership election and the next GE and everything will be wonderful but they said that about Barrack Obama so I am hopeful and I certainly think that it's hard to do worse than the current Tories but somewhere at the back of my mind there is a very dangerous thought and one I've aired before: Revolution.


The government wants to make the NHS like the American system

Saturday, 11 July 2015

Trapped into a hermit's lifestyle

Hi all,

So I'm feeling more confident, more proactive, more productive. As a result I started looking at solving the perennial problem, the lack of a social life and the fact that I am such a hermit.

I started looking on meetup.com and drew up a new campaign setting. Project Start A TTRPG is go.

And here is the stupid problem. I live 30 minutes away from London by train. It is an easy commute and London is brimming with culture but I'm poor. A return ticket to London is a weeks worth of food to me. And I know noone in Woking.

Well okay we can fix that. Just go out and have a drink. A drink isn't going to make you fat and you'll build confidence and meet people. But a drink costs money. Money I don't have.

So this is why I am a hermit. It's cheap.

I will die alone because I do not have the luxury of a social life.

Heck even the "local" rpg group that I played and humiliated myself at before isn't local to Woking.

Whelp I guess I need to waste more time online so I can at least play rpgs over the computer.

Star Trek The Next Generation Series One Story Three Code of Honour Review

Friday, 10 July 2015

Vlog about finding my way in the world

Reaction to the Doctor Who series 9 trailer

I confronted and warned my local MP about the suffering they are inflicting and this is the response I got.


2 days ago I sent my local MP the following email:


Hi Jonathan,
I apologize for taking you away from your duties. 
I must say Woking has certainly improved in the last five years so thank you for that.
I am afraid I must write to you today as a matter of conscience.

A lot of things have happened since May and I find them all very concerning.
I do not support the Conservative Party but I respect that principles like trickle down economics and attracting corporations to Britain can have their merit.
I am not intending to have a go at anyone for their political views but Britain is as I see it a powder keg waiting to go off.

Firstly I feel I must point out that I and many others do not consider the Conservative Party to be fairly elected. 
To call 36.9% of the votes cast a majority is laughable in my view and if you regard constituencies as the most important indicator of the will of the people why is your party not acknowledging the political will presented by the SNP? I just worked out yesterday that Hitler's first "legitimate" electoral win was won with just 37% of the vote. When Adolf Hitler is more popular than the current Prime Minister, that's a problem.

Next I must tackle the issue of Austerity. May the seventh was the first General Election that I could vote in but even I remember that it wasn't welfare spending that caused economy crash, it was unregulated banks doing insider trading with debts that could not be paid back and the Labour Party bailing them out but now when I switch on my TV the Conservatives have managed to convince the Labour Party and the BBC that people who can't afford food caused the crash. You do realize that we lived through the crash and we know that's nonsense? That if anything this Orwellian retconning of the past is only going to make the Conservative Party have a worse image.
Also the Conservative Party's method of tackling Austerity makes no sense. Nobel Prize winning economists have pointed out that applying austerity during a recession halts economic growth and that it makes more sense to borrow when the interest rate is low, spend to stimulate economic growth and then pay down the deficit when the economy is booming again. What's more Labour is the party that bailed out the banks, imagine how much better the Conservative Party would look if it grew the economy by spending on the welfare state and then attacked the Labour Party for bailing out the banks.
Even if the Conservative Party genuinely thinks that the Budget Deficit being cut down has to be an absolute priority no matter how draconian the measures the Conservative Party is giving millionaires tax breaks and doing nothing to stop tax evasion by the people who actually have money that would be super useful in paying off the deficit i.e. the rich. Again this is not helping the image of the Conservative Party, it is at best misguided, at worst a sign of massive corruption. 

There is also the not insignificant issue of the Conservative Party killing the poor through draconian back to work schemes. The Conservative Party trying to obfuscate the issue by denying access to the information does not help their case, it merely proves their guilt in the eyes of the British people. After all why hide information that proves the Conservative Party is blameless in these deaths?
Likewise the ridiculous attempts to hide blame for people being on food banks. We live in a world of adverts and fiction pretending to be reality: Spam, memes, creepypastas, churnalism, reality TV. The British public are smarter than their popular culture may present them as. Trying to hide guilt for landing so many people into poverty and suicide does not make the Conservative Party look blameless, it makes them look dangerous.

Finally I come to why I had to write to you as a matter of moral conscience.
I am a nerd, I grew up on Star Trek and Doctor Who and I care very deeply about my morality. For the reasons I have expressed above and many more the British Public are annoyed, very annoyed. They won't be able to keep killing themselves forever. It will stop and they will realize that our politicians rule at the consent of the majority. The majority of the people did not vote for the Conservative Party and the majority of the people are suffering because of the Conservative Party. It is not difficult to see that this cannot last. For things to continue peacefully I think it would be wise to institute Proportional Representation. Instituting Proportional Representation will act as a safety valve on the British Public's discontent, it will undermine the Labour Party and not affect any of the Conservative Party's policies. You can even keep constitutional representation by effectively having two ballot papers, one of the local constituency and one to go into the Proportional Representation results table.

I want to complain about the Conservative Party's behaviour but I think it is clear from the available evidence that the Conservative Party does not care what anyone thinks so I hope I can at least appeal to the Conservative Party's survival instincts.

Now that I have let you know just what kind of fire the Conservative Party is playing with I can rest easier in the knowledge that I at least tried to prevent the gigantic clusterfuck that the Conservative Party is bringing down upon themselves.
I may disagree with you politically but nobody deserves what will happen when the British Public decides it has had enough of writing and signing ignored petitions and attending peaceful marches that do nothing to halt the class warfare being enacted by the Conservative Party.

Yours sincerely,
Alexander Gordon Jahans 

This is the response I got:


JGCL/RP/

08 July 2015

Dear Mr Jahans,

Thank you for your email of 8th July and I have read and noted all your views.

We will have to agree to disagree on most of the points you make, but I am proud that the

proportion of workless families, and the proportion of children living in workless families, are both

the lowest since records began in 1996. Employment is also at record levels, with nearly 2.3 million

more people in private sector jobs than in 2010.


Yours sincerely,

Jonathan Lord MP

Thursday, 9 July 2015

The we're so screwed song NSFW

Jeremy Corbyn MP's response to the Tories 2015 Budget

Response to George Osborne's July 2015 Budget

The Mandate for Revolution

Okay so a little context.
For a few months now I have been struggling with a problem.

I have been trying to write the opening part of my space opera series featuring a movement for sylph equality that is more in line with modern day western feminism. You know that blurred line where a particular demographic technically has equality but practically doesn't?

Well there's also cyborg sharks and god aliens but the central theme is what life is like when you don't have equality and experience discrimination on a daily basis but everybody thinks you're treated equally and that there's no need to change anything.

Well set up is needed. In this case the set up is, well what you're about to see, I have been struggling with this for such a long time because it feels like a step back, an unnecessary chance to revel in the suffering of others. It's also incredibly bleak and arguably a novel series in its own right. I mean I've been listening to podcasts on World War One, World War 2, the Mongols and the Roman Punic Wars, each of those were terrifying in their own rights and I have to show something like that but with more terrifying technology across a million different universes and in the span of a few pages because oh by the way this is supposed to be a flashback fired from a memory gun and on top of all this I have been trying to write it well incredibly depressed.

Anyway I now have the motivation to write this and so it can act as a seed for the novel but I totally reserve the right to copy and paste this as I feel like it into the final novel series. Without further ado here is The Mandate For Revolution.

The Mandate For Revolution

Holy Backstory Batman!

By

Alexander Gordon Jahans

London. November the 5th 2015. Parliament is in session. This historic building symbolizes the British Democracy and its belief in reform over revolution.

A great and terrifying ship appears out of thin air, locked in place by special coolant systems around the hull that exploit quantum forces to negate gravity. The ship covers the entirety of London and looks straight bout of the eighties. It emits a green ray at parliament. The green ray is a combination lazer and ultrasonic beams directed about their task by invisible logic energy. 

The atoms of parliament are gently prized apart in a process that takes several hours. The members of parliament can be heard to scream or shout and swear, even if they could make it to the doors  trying to leave the rays effect would only hasten their demise. One by one the atoms are split and the resultant energy siphoned off to to retroactively pay physics for the energy required to do this. Being vaporized one atom at a time is a messy business and it is not unreasonable to expect that the subjects of the beam would experience temporary shortness of breath, temporary blindness, a voiding of the bowls and even organ failure but in time parliament and and its occupants would disintegrate and vanish beneath the ray beams.

Any thing that tried to hurt the ship during the demolition process would similarly be disintegrated and advanced shielding would prevent harm being done to the ship.

This process happens similarly at every different government building in every country across a hundred million different universes. The Logicios do not play around when they decide to forcibly colonize a sector of the multiverse.

The Lord High Chancellor of the Inquisitor has the entirety of Poland vaporized and lands his ship there before opening the doors to an audience and hacking into every single TV screen or computer monitor across his new territory. Now he calls a press conference to order and over the course of 5 days he broadcasts a brief history of the Logicios interspersed with adverts every 30 minutes letting people know the date and time and location of the press conference.

The day comes and the "conference hall" that is his ship fills up with audience members. Humanity has been waiting for the day when aliens would invade and with their governments obliterated they are unhindered in their reaction to the threat. Nationalists mobilize. America nods smugly as it forms into a revolutionary militia. Britain stoically freaks the fuck out at Westminster finally being destroyed and an even worse evil presenting itself. Russia laughs.

The Lord High Chancellor sits atop a throne of naked people frozen in place at the quantum level. He drinks from the blood of a naked young man via a long bendy straw in the naked man's neck.

The Lord High Chancellor bangs a human femur as a gavel on a frozen cranium that made up part of his throne. "Order!!! I am the Lord High Chancellor William the Seventh and I call this press Conference to Order!!!"

The room falls silent.

Journalists focus upon the Lord High Chancellor.

The Lord High Chancellor smiles. "Much better. Ladies and Gentlemen, my people, the Logicios, were given a solemn duty to protect the multiverse from all threats to it by the Great Farsh-nuke. We are currently at an impasse in the war with the Septagonoids and we cannot sustain the casualties for much more than twenty billion of your Earth years. If we lose entirety of the multiverse goes phoom! Thus we have chosen your universes as breeding grounds for new Logicios and Sylphs."

A Journalist sitting in the front row suddenly developed a headache.

The Lord High Chancellor took a quick sip of blood from his drink then continued "As of this moment you are all property of the Logicios. Your societies will be restructured to allow for the maximum production of Logicios and Sylphs. You have no free will and you certainly don't have any mandate for political power over the Logicios. Your universities and schools will be destroyed. We have memory guns, your people no longer need school. Money has been abolished and your financial sectors will be recycled as raw material for the Logicio War Fleet. At 12 years of age girls will begin training to become Sylphs once they reach 21 years. Boys will be sent to the Logicio Academy at 15 and be sent to the front at 25. If they survive they will be recycled into the general Logicio ranks and the Logicios they replace will be sent here. When you have been fully doctrinated you will invade the next 100 million universes and so on and on until half the multiverse is producing soldiers for this war. Anyone not consenting will be made to accept via a special dosing of the Sylph pills. Anyone deemed not fit for work will be likewise dosed. Sylphs are at the fore front of our economy and we can always use more."

"NO!!!!!" cries a voice from the audience.

The Lord High Chancellor sputters, spitting out blood in disbelief "Who said that!?"

A hundred different cameras and microphones swing on the source of the denouncement, it's the journalist who had that sudden headache. He is tall, thin, white, male, dressed in a business suit and he has short dark gelled hair and dark rimmed glasses framing emerald green eyes.

He stands up on his chair "I am the Farsh-nuke and I do not approve of this!!!"

Cameras and microphones swing to capture the Lord High Chancellor's reaction.

The Lord High Chancellor is noticeably shaken and stammers "W-we are m-mandated to p-protect the multiverse by the G-great Farsh-nuke! You are just a pretender to his power!"

The Farsh-nuke laughs bitterly at the sign of weakness "He's still out there isn't he!? The one who supposedly gave you this mandate!? You know he wouldn't approve because you can see my aura of illogicity! You know I am legit!!! This is invasion and oppression, no one could tolerate it!"

The Lord High Chancellor snaps "Enough! Guards!"

The Farsh-nuke sighs "You wish for a demonstration of my power? As you wish"

21 mercenary guards charge at the Farsh-nuke, firing.

The Farsh-nuke waves his hands and first bullets and then the guards hand in the air before the Farsh-nuke first the guards backwards and then directs the hovering bullets to kill the downed guards.

Now the Lord High Chancellor is terrified, a Farsh-nuke is bad enough but a Farsh-nuke in a spaceship the size of Poland filled with subjugated peoples. Time to stop playing with kid gloves. He raises a metal wand and declares "You want power!? You want to see what the Lord High Chancellor can do? Well feel the heat of this fully armed and upgraded Quantum Oscillator!"

A blast of green energy fires from the wand towards the Farsh-nuke.

The Farsh-nuke barks back "The government rules at the consent of the people! You said yourself that the Logicios cannot afford to waste troops! Well try instituting martial law on a hundred million Earths while fighting the Septagonoid war that you are already losing!"

The Farsh-nuke unbuttons his shirt then tears at the flesh of his chest with his fingernails. "You are pulling me apart at the subatomic level and that makes me very dangerous because I'm no longer trapped by the logic of this body! You have given me an army! Ladies and gentlemen it's just a hop to the left and then a step to the right! Lets see what 312 million travellers of the multiverse can do to stir up trouble in your a hundred million universes! Viva la revolution motherfucker!!!"

With that the Farsh-nuke tore open his chest and exploded in a burst of energy as everyone in Poland was enveloped with his power and gained the ability to walk the multiverse.

As the Lord High Chancellor started murdering his audience they quickly worked out how to flee to a different multiverse and realised that destiny had come upon them and they were now the bearers of a noble and fearsome duty, mobilising resistance to the tyrannical regime.

Those watching at home were granted one great and terrifying thing by the press conference: Hope. Hope against a regime that saw them as resources and nothing more.

Star Trek The Next Generation Series 1 Story 2 The Naked Now Review

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

BBC Speechless as Trader Tells Truth

Hitler more popular than Cameron

Letting Go

Letting Go

By

Alexander Gordon Jahans


The walls are cling in, the air is stagnant and irritating. Bones creak, muscles ache, the brain pours out the ears. No final enigmatic words. No last salute. Just pain. An eternal scream.

The lungs shudder for breath, skin feels pressure from all sides, clothes drag under immense weight. 

Eyes open to deep azure blue, a familiar shape from the mist of time, a feeling deep inside my bones is saying "Let go".

Lips part, lungs fill, the shadow moves and darkness overwhelms.

Breathing, warmth, a chill wind, course sand against bare skin.

A deep breath, a twitch beneath lidded eyes, muscles responding sluggish and weak but obedient.
Scrunching toes, splaying finger, stretching arms.

"Parp"

The arse salutes a new day.

My mouth tastes like it is caked in grim and grease, my lips respond slowly like an alcoholic who just had a filling. "Where am I?"

"The future" says a female voice

I open my eyes and immediately regret it. "Shitting sun"

She chuckles quietly as I bring my hands up over my eyes and begin adjusting.

"You spent a year in a dark room, I'm not surprised the sun hurts you" she says

I lean over and stare into my shadow as I wake up "How do you know that? How do you know who I am?"

She laughs "This is a dream or a metaphor or just your lucky day, it all depends on the perspective you take"

I use my tongue to scrape my teeth clean and spit the detritus out then I sit up and see at least who I am talking to.

She is tall, blonde, fair skinned, skinny and wearing a mismatched suit.

"Alexander Gordon Jahans, allow me to introduce myself, I am your subconscious though I think you know me better as Lucy." she says.

I blink in surprise "You're my subconscious?"

She nods "I mean do you really want to think about yourself?"

I smile awkwardly then get up from the sandy beach "Fair point. So what are you trying to tell me?"

The beach looks straight out of Robinson Crusoe. Yellow sand disappearing off into the distance on either side and behind us, towards the center of the island, is a forest of trees and shrubs.

I spot a thin looking tree, stroll over to it and start punching it in the trunk. Each blow hurts my fists and shakes the tree.

Lucy explains "You are and have been in purgatory, caught between the worlds. This is how you let go."

"I don't need to let go" I say punching the tree "I'm fine. It's the situation I'm in that's the problem"

The tree snaps in half and conks me on the head.

*

I am in Woking Town Centre and crowds are passing me by.

My hand is squeezed and I turn my head to see Lucy smiling compassionately at me.

Lucy leads me parallel to Wolsey Place then points towards Halifax as a young man in a suit and a woman with huge curly hair enter.

Lucy asks "Do you recognise them?"

After a moment my face furrows as I remember "This must be three years ago now"

Lucy nods.

We each stare as the man in the suit and the woman with the big hair leave.

The man is confused and angry "Mum, why was there only 2000 pounds? You said there was 2500 before?"

The woman evades the question "That's none of your business, that's my private bank account"

Then man and the woman vanish into the crowd.

*

We're back on the island and I grab the top of the tree as it falls. 

I strip the spindly branches to use as rope then break the tree trunk in two so I can form a crude pick axe by securing the one part of the tree trunk horizontally above the other part of the tree trunk with the spindly branches. As I work we talk.

"So your mum stole money from you" said Lucy "Can't have been nice."

"My family has always existed in cycles of behaviour. Patterns of abuse. That was the moment when I could not take it anymore. I am moral. I would die before I committed a crime that hurt another. My mum broke the law, that meant I couldn't be part of the cycle. Mum could have fallen back into step, heck that's what the betrayal was but when I reacted the way I did, I broke the cycle." I said

Lucy tutted "It wasn't your fault, the car crash was in progress before you were born."

"Yes" I said, giving my new pick a test swing "But I made it happen at that time. It would always have happened but I broke the cycle."

I strode over to a boulder that was lying along the beach and swung my pick at it. A piece of flint flew at my head.

*
 
I find myself in vast store filled with beds, Lucy is beside me, a familiar looking man and woman enter the store.

After talking with the manager for sometime the woman says "One drawer please"

"Two" says the man. 

The woman storms out.

The man finishes the purchase then strides out.

*

I flail at the rock with my pick, screaming "SHE NEVER PAID ME BACK!!! FIVE HUNDRED FUCKING POUNDS THAT BED COST AND SHE NEVER PAID ME FUCKING BACK AND IT'S ALREADY BROKEN JUST ONE YEAR LATER AND ALL OVER ONE STINKING EXTRA DRAWER THAT I NEVER EVEN FUCKING USE!!! I DIDN'T EVEN WANT A DIVAN BED!!!!!"

Lucy nodded sympathetically "And that unresolved hatred, it changed you didn't it? Made you harder? A woman like that must be able to easily mindfuck a nerd with Asperger's syndrome but not when there's a part of your mind screaming with rage at her. Dad could manipulate her but he could no longer manipulate you either on his own or through her."

My pick breaks and I make a new one with stone reinforcement for strength and flint at the tip for cutting power, I find a vein of exposed ore and swing my new pick at it.

*

A huge store. 

A red faced man with tears running down his face talks to his manager "I'm sorry I've got to quit. I can't sleep from the pain. I can't do this."

The manager says "Well what about a night shift on the tills? It's the best I can do?"

The red faced man erupts in tears once more "I'm sorry I can't do this"

"I'm trying to offer you another chance" says the manager.

"No" says the man shaking his head "I can't, I'm sorry but I can't. I just had to tell you in person"

The manager says "Fine, go home and cool down if you still want your job in a day or two we can talk"

"I'm sorry, no" says the red faced man as he turns to walk out "But thank you for the opportunity"

The red faced man walks out and Lucy squeezes my hand.

*

Back on the island I dig a pit, fill it with the ore I mined then top it with a layer of leaves, sticks and more leaves before placing stones over the leaves then building a fire atop the leaves.

Lucy watches me work with a kind of compassionate curiosity, like a social work watching a victim of a traumatic experience go through a ritual to ease the pain.

When the fire is lit I sit down beside it and say "I am not good with people. I am not good with being normal. That day burns within my head because I see no easy answer. I think
 I made the right choice but I hate how it happened. I hate the same and the embarrassment."

Now Lucy sat down beside me and said "You are allowed to make mistakes you know? You can fail and fuck up. You are allowed to look stupid and feel embarrassed. You are allowed one bad day without going mad."

I stare at her, stare into eyes I imagined a thousand times and say "But it proves that they're right. Don't you see that? I am lazy, I am useless, I do only take, take, take. I chose freedom from pain over financial freedom. I enslaved myself."

She grabs my hands and squeezes them between hers. "And what if you didn't make that choice?"

"Well I would I have money" I say "I could have a new supercomputer I could have the latest games..."

She interrupts me "And would you have the strength to pursue a solution to your health issues if were in pain every day? Would you be so thoroughly pressured into getting out and seeking help that social services would be getting you out now? Would your youtube and blog be doing so well if your situation didn't give you the time and inclination to make so many videos?"

I stare at her "What do you mean?"

"I mean you have always seen yourself as Arnold Judas Rimmer from Red Dwarf right?" says Lucy

I nod

"You've always felt like things have been too easy. That you were destined for insignificance because you never had to push yourself. Being smart was your choice and so you never had to try at it. You're a man interested in quantum mechanics and the many worlds theory, you wondered what route your life was taking" she says

"So?" I ask.

"So we know what path you would have taken had you kept that job" says Lucy "You would have worked competently up through the ranks, making youtube videos when you feel like it, writing about sylphs in your spare time and dismissing your growing health problems as paranoia or insecurity because work would always keep you too busy to do anything about your problems. You would have died childless, alone and deeply weird with no understanding of who you really are and a buttload of regrets."

I chuckle darkly "So what the depression is character forming?"

Lucy shakes her head and looks deep into my eyes, into my soul. "This year made you think about how you play video games, about why you play video games, it made you realize the importance of history and politics and how the two relate. It made you see just how dangerous living with Jekyll and Hyde can really be, spurring you to go. This year you have learned so much about how to interact with people by failing so hard at a time when it was safe to do so. You have learned why you write about Sylphs and you are getting treatment that will allow you to live a relatively normal life. This was the year you finally learned how to not think and enjoy the little things in life like a cool breeze, being silent in a room filled with people and exercise. You learned how to be confident and you had your first professional hair cut since secondary school. You are better than you would have been had you kept that job."

I stare at her "Huh"

She stands up and offers me her hand "You're beginning treatment, your social worker is getting you out, you've just had a hair cut and the summer is still young. You can leave purgatory now. You just have to let go of the past. Of the pain, the rage and the shame."

I take her hand and stand up.

"You don't have to keep playing minecraft over and over either" she says.

I laugh "I have a pretty huge steam library. I suppose I better get on that."

"Just remember to have a walk, look at the flowers and eat a salad now and again yeah. Your room doesn't have to be a gilded cage anymore." she says

I smile "And I'll try to finish to finish chronicling your adventures too"

Lucy laughs "It can wait, if nothing else I'm sure you'll finish it down a different fork in the timestream. Just live Alex. Let go of your burdens and live"

*  

So I wrote this.

It's a metaphor, explanation and therapy.

I have been fighting against the urge to kill myself for so long and now victory is in sight it's scary. I have adapted to live this life and now I'm fat, weird and thin skinned. Not exactly new phenomena for me but still. I have had enough of minecraft and podcasts and politics. Fortunately I no longer need that life support system. The cavalry is here. Victory is insight. I can live again. I can think again. It will take time to get everything running again and I certainly think I need some time to shake things up and bask in the sun but I am ready to leave my cave.

I will need to clean my room and get organised.

I will have to start looking for a job and volunteering again.

I think I want to go travelling. I think I want to be a sight seer. One thing I have done this past year is spend every week walking up to the top of Knaphill. I think I am just about ready to do walking holidays. Best part is I like the rain and the sun now.

I want to eat Lettuce and Carrots and Broccolli and Cauliflower and Parsnips and Spinach.

I want to bake again and I want to go back to drinking juice and squash not fizzy pop.

I want to write essays again. I want to read for fun again. I want to catch up with Order of the stick and Darths and Droids.

I want to use my laptop downstairs so I can listen to fanvids from the sofa.

I want to drink tea again and wear suits.

I want to go to a pub and order a pint of guiness.

I want to go to a cafe and order a capuccino.

I want to eat sorbet in the sun.

I want to just be in public places and not have to have a purpose or a reason but just enjoy being in a public space.

I want to go swimming again. 

I want to go cycling again.

I want to go camping again.

I want to sing songs with friends by moonlight.

I want to go to festivals for things I have never heard of.

I want to experience cultures I know nothing about. 

I want to be the quiet one in a group of people.

I want to play roleplaying games again.

I want to be an extravert eccentric.

I want to dye my hair green.

I want to grow a handlebar moustache.

I want to live.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Paranoia of Corruption

Paranoia Of Corruption

By

Alexander Gordon Jahans

As the greatest shame of my life looks set to begin treatment, that being the physical peculiarities caused by low testosterone as a result of an unknown genetic mutation, I am concerned about, shall we say, my greatest kryptonite. Manipulation and corruption.

Here my bones scream that I am an idiot for openly saying it but it won't be news to the people who wish to cause me harm: I am the perfect mark for a cult or a conman or whatever corrupt individual wishes to break me by fucking with my mind.

I am young, physically weak, open about my psychological wounds, lonely, poor, desperate for solutions, putting myself out there on the internet  and ignorant hopeful with perhaps an air of arrogance or narcissism.

I also piss a lot of people off and have faced so many different types of abuse that if you absolutely hate me and you're smart about it you aren't going to try and hurt me in the obvious ways because it's been tried. Heck you can't even gain satisfaction by killing me because at the moment I hate myself so much and feel so desperate that I'd probably thank you. 

I am holding off a nervous breakdown on the gamble that solving these big problems will make things better when the crash inevitably comes or rather after it has come and gone. And I spend my days listening to podcasts about dreadful periods of history and this whole idea of this great man that turns the forces of empires around and I am living under a genuinely appalling largely unwanted government and listening to podcasts on revolution and participating in political debates. I am savvy enough to realise that is a precarious and potentially dangerous position to be in and I can see vultures circling.

Conspiracy theorists orbit around me, communists openly and not so openly beseech me to join them, Ukippers and Racists and slightly too exuberant SNP supporters and organic food lovers have all made me feel pressured. Heck the anti-zionist perspective made a big enough dent to have me asking my muslim friend for her perspective.

So what do you do if you are vulnerable and stupid enough to keep putting yourself out into a position where people will come to hate you will want to convert you and will try to convert you? 

Well this is not the first time I've been brought low by events and it is not the first time that I have been paranoid and mentally screwed up. I have a kind of model inside my head for how I think and feel most of the time when I'm at my best so I don't really have to think about the arguments being put across, I just look for certain words and criteria and sort of grade it by severity. lots of mentioning of things I like, a couple of things I that sound shady, okay I'll like it but I'm watching you. Did you just mention foreigners causing problems? Okay I'm disregarding everything you say.

This model is updated during my saner periods. For example I switched from a very pro intellectual property and anti-drugs stance to a drug legalisation and laissez faire attitude to intellectual property. So it's not as if I am completely close minded, I am however unwilling to let certain types in when it's 3 in the morning I'm fighting off negative thoughts. I don't like being mindfucked.

So why am I telling you guys? Well partly because just been listening to how Sullah played Pompey to make him do great and terrible things and partly because that impacts upon the current situation. I mean Pompey's only 3 year's older than me at the time of the historical event and the historical event in many ways can be seen as the great terror the revolution I'm calling for could be.

People talk about French Revolution as the great example of why revolution is a bad thing, probably because it's more recent, but really it doesn't seem so applicable and the great terror is so clinical as to not be so terrifying.

Britain is a country that had one revolution once to prevent the king from being a despot and ever since then it has ruled successfully but now things are falling apart and corruption in the system is making things worse and now I want someone to say "Fuck it those guys aren't fairly elected, they're despots they need to go"

The Roman Republic is a city state that was setup in opposition to the tyranny of kings and ever since has risen to power because of its great "democracy" but now the "democracy" is failing, the Roman Republic is facing revolution from its non-Roman allies and the corruption finally becomes too much when power hungry madmen seize control and Sullah says "Fuck it those guys aren't fairly elected, they're tyrants I'm going to kill them" and Sullah breaks the taboo that has prevented violent revolution all these long years and the spell is broken, Democracy dies for good when the farce of the "democracy" continues naively at the discretion of the great military emperor upon whom the fortunes of Rome depend.

The fact that the French Revolution does indeed yield an emperor and even the so called "successful revolution" of America results in another scarily powerful great man figure head is further pause for thought. We, the British, achieved more genuine democracy through reform than revolution and we have never yet had an emperor, not since the Putney debates anyway.

So we cannot have a violent revolution then. Our only hope is that the Conservatives have to call another election sooner than they would like.. We cannot revolt ourselves. We must incite conservative backbenchers to revolt so thoroughly that they are compromised.

Or maybe I'm tired and mad and too engrossed in a history podcast.