Alexander Gordon Jahans
Shit title. Sorry.
Okay so I have spent the past two years in limbo. I keep waiting for the moment my life kicks into gear. I need another ‘build a dalek’ moment. Except life isn’t that simple now. The ‘build a dalek’ moment happened because I had another part of the track laid out for me and I just needed to find my crazy arse way there. I turn 25 in five days and I’ve run out of track. I mean when the remaining bits of track are “get a job and move out” and you’re living at a time when people your age are fucking lucky if they can get the shittest jobs then it just becomes about survival.
I expected a tory landslide come the election. I expected the abolition of hope. I expected the excuse to die. I’m not dead. The tories are going down. Socialism will rise. Capitalism will face a restoration and then we can transition to post scarcity. I mean okay Donald Trump is a cancer on the world but I have faith that the incentives are now in place to see about his removal. There is reason to hope again.
I mean I am seriously thinking of deleting my youtube channel since it’s making no money, I despise the majority of my viewers and they despise me, also I got recognised the other day and I’m just thinking ‘Nah...’
Yet I’m walking. All this shit and misery and I’m walking. I am slowly lurching towards better fitness. I walk to town while listening to podcasts and I passively gain confidence and reduce awkwardness being around people. It’s great. Just plodding along with something to keep my mind from exploring all the reasons why I suck.
I’m also writing. Lots. I have been holding a lot back but it is coming soon now. Lets say by the end of the summer maybe. I have found how to write in a way that gets stuff done and satisfies my varied writing moods. I have been re reading through those scripts I wrote in university and I am impressed 1. By how far I have come as a writer and 2. By the fact that I think I can redeem this stuff. That I can write it better and do it justice as something worth reading.
Things have changed though. I feel as though I have been reforged in fire by the holiday and now I have the perspective needed to maintain clarity on things. There are other things too. The Boots website has updated so hopefully I won’t have to panic about getting the meds I need to survive because their system crashed. I’m getting new glasses so not only will I be able to see properly again but the new anti-glare coating should make in easier to keep my eye windows clean. And I’m dieting. Which I’m sure will have me raging but for now is just a weight off my mind as I don’t have to fret about getting in a proper meal at the end of a long day. At least for a while.
I have survived, Britain limps on and though I remain in limbo I am cautiously happy.