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Monday, 17 July 2017

The Ugly Truth

The Ugly Truth

A Bloggage
Alexander Gordon Jahans

I’ve changed a lot in just the last two years. I have hope now. We have a female Doctor (not that I’ll believe it until the episode actually airs) and a socialist is so close to power that the demons of the world look vulnerable.

Hope is a marvellous thing. A beautiful thing. A heartbreakingly tragic thing.

I have hope now. I have a dream to fight for. I have an idea of how to get there. I want to believe I can get there. I want to believe I can commit, that I can make it work. Things you don’t know, things you can’t. Ultimately though hope is not victory. Hope can keep you going, can keep you fighting but hope does not put food on the table, a roof over your head or a partner in your bed.

My generation is fucked. The economy is fucked. The planet is fucked. There is hope now but hope is not victory, not yet.

I’m tired. I’m tired, I’m in pain and I genuinely don’t know how much longer I can do this. It’s why this writing project is so important to me. The move could destroy what is left of me. The final hurdle I can vault being passed might be what ultimately kills me. I’m like the woman believing a female Doctor or Prime Minister will do anything. It hurts and it’s frustrating but it’s a realistic dream to pin your strength to. So what happens when you get your wish and nothing changes? We’ve had a black president and black kids are still being shot dead for stupid reasons while white rapists are given light sentences.

And I know, I’m comparing a fucking move to representation for the genuinely oppressed on the world’s stage. I’m a melodramatic fool okay.

I just feel so fragile and so aware that so much of the world keeps forcing themselves against me. My head is a mess and I am so done with everything. Yet still I must be strong. I don’t know how long I can do this. I keep telling myself I can pick a side. That I can solve things. I can’t. I just can’t. I live, that’s about all I can promise and even that’s a risky promise to make.

I’m going to get this story written. I’m going to try for the move. I can’t promise anything else and even those feel like promises that I might very easily break.

I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I feel so shit about this, so guilty. I just don’t know if I can be strong forever.

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