You Can Be More
Alexander Gordon Jahans
So I’ve been in this kind of holding pattern, just finding ways to stay sane and keep surviving amid torrents of bullshit. Ways to keep my mind active and busy despite the fact that I am going nowhere. The problem is that my mind needs problems to solve, conflict to resolve. I grew up being bullied 5 days a week during term time. I need a certain amount of background bullshit to keep my mind stable. Except that creates a problem. And not the one people expect.
I am trapped in the middle of fucking nowhere with goddamned no one. I am used to a wide but shallow range of connections. Instead I have one or two people delivering deep bullshit. I have these vast stretches of time and nothing of import to do with it. I’m like a tiger kept in a tiny enclosure. I need to move. I need to be able to begin again, to make long term plans and I can’t do that in this purgatory of schrodinger’s house sale. And yeah I’ve been through a lot of shit and it hurts. So I get low and it upsets people.
The problem is that these people don’t understand me and they don’t listen. They are seemingly pathologically capable of understanding that I think differently and have a different approach and different needs and priorities. So when the very real problems affecting me reach the point of upsetting these people they do a kind of triage whereby they cut back all the things distracting me from the unrelenting shit I can’t do a damned thing about.
I used to be more. I used to wear suits, I used to care about class as more than a political subject and I used to use my fucking brain. But no. Don’t think. Can’t think. Drug myself up. Fuck about with a fucking diet and shitting exercise regime, masturbate myself into a bliss coma and tell myself this is an improvement. I need to care again. I need to put myself on the line again and I need to use my mind to do something important. Fuck money. Fuck life. Fuck fucking family and all the bullshit excuses for cowering away and shutting myself off from the things that make me feel alive. I am not just a survivor. I am not just outlasting purgatory. I have a mind. I need to use it.