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Saturday, 25 July 2020

24th July 2020

The Elephant In the room
24th July 2020 

By
Alexander Gordon Jahans


I have spent my whole life under siege mentally. At school I had the stress of essays, homework, coursework, deadlines bullies and my father and his anger issues. After school ended I had more peace but dad was still terrifying and I was still processing what the fuck happened at school. I did manage to pull myself together enough to consider learning to drive, start writing, then go to college and University. In those years I matured a lot but in the final year a one two punch happened. My parents separated and I got diagnosed with Kallman’s Syndrome or began the process of getting that eventually diagnosed.

Very quietly since maybe 2012 or 2013 I have been questioning my gender identity and expression. When I got diagnosed with Kallman’s Syndrome everything seemed to make sense, the misgendering, the odd comments my people, feeing queasy when I looked at my body. There is one thing that doesn’t make sense. Before I knew that there was something medically wrong about me I liked seeing myself looking feminine. I liked the tight tops the breasts and the long hair.

Do not misunderstand me I am a man. I identify as a man and getting the testosterone has made me feel so much better, so much more like what I am supposed to be. I love the beard and moustache. I love that I m physically so much bigger. More importantly since I have started receiving the testosterone it’s like I had an extra sense that I was just barely aware of, the volume on it was so low as to almost be inaudible but the testosterone has turned the volume control up and made it dolby digital surround sound with a bass subwoofer. A few years ago after tensions between me and Dad had finally reached a climax he tried to get my testosterone stopped and I was so angry and hurt. This matters so much. I am a man. This is important to me. My masculinity is important to me.

At the same time my questioning of my gender identity and gender expression didn’t stop. So much of what it means to be a cis man is societally enforced bullshit. More than a decade of bullying and denial about a genuine medical issue caused me to cling to this bullshit for dear life. Being normal was safety. Being weird was dangerous. For years I was mortally afraid of the colour pink or anything ‘girly’. Unfortunately I know from experience that no matter how tightly I try to deny parts of myself they are still a part of me and other people can see that and are freaked out.

I think there is a perception among those close to me that in some ways my autism has lessened as I have perceptively become less weird over the last decade but it is more true to say that I am more comfortable with who I am and have language to understand how and why I am the way I am.

I now understand for example that the reason I like Barbies really is just because I think they are pretty and cute, no more no less. I like to be surrounded by cute things that make me happy but to my idiot younger self Barbies were girly and therefore icky and so it was only okay if I liked them because I was a manly man who liked women. Reasoning that was fucking weird but I didn’t have the language or self confidence to appreciate why I liked them.

My father was a monster who thought buying me shit made up for terrorising me and proving no emotional support and I am still learning the extent to which mental illness effects my mother and her behaviour towards me and everybody else. I had so few friends as a kid to help me figure myself out and boys didn’t really do that anyway. The bullying meant that teachers were the enemy in school and even in university the fact I picked a subject that I lived and breathed meant I was so supremely confident in myself that I didn’t make proper use of the fact that there were finally reasonable authority figures that I liked and trusted.

I have been fumbling around in the dark, trying to learn how to be a person, how to be me, while navigating society. The last few years I have had so many sleepless nights as my increasing self awareness and self understanding makes me cringe at how I behaved at conventions, in facebook groups or at college or university. I am continually reminded and made more aware of just how much women constantly navigate monstrous cis men and have to be on guard because an innocent mistake or stupid bit of weirdness could be a sign of danger. I feel like the idiot boy who was swimming around with a shark fin on his back in Jaws. I might not have caused any harm myself but I have no guarantee that my stupidity didn’t scare or unnerve people because they have experience of the predators that do exist.

The pandemic has acted as the perfect excuse to spend time examining myself. I can’t distract myself with trips to the shops to get snacks and I physically can’t have the things that normally disrupt the pattern of my existence. No trips to town for the barbers, universal credit or a nice meal. It’s just me, my games, my writing, my kittens and the source of all human information that is the internet.

It has not been perfect or without stress. There is still one person I deal with in person and they seem to make up for my lack of stress from other people. Social media also provides the one two punch of hyper awareness of all the world’s problems and the potential offend and upset online friends.

That said. All of that said. All the context provided. I have had time to think about myself. I don’t think it is enough to say any more that I am just a cis man who presents in a masculine manner.

A community I am a part of is still reeling from the revelation that a middle aged lesbian cis woman was a cis man catfishing other women and manipulating them into sharing nude photos. In this context I don’t feel right saying that I am anything other than a cis man until I am absolutely certain. It feels disingenuous and potentially harmful to those who have been traumatised by cis men.

What I will say though is that if the grand spectrum of gender presentations, gender expressions and gender identities is analogous to a large ocean with being cis and heteronormative in presentation and expression analogous to the frozen polar ice caps then I am now starting to get my feet wet.

I do not know what this means yet but I am now going to start learning. 

Friday, 12 June 2020

Bloggage 12 June 2020

Bloggage

12 June 2020
A Friday

By

Alexander Gordon Jahans

Today is a good day and I have hope so I think it’s time for a status report.

The wheel turns but the story remains the same.

The world today is messed up. It’s dark joke at this point that the apocalyptic scenarios keep queuing up to strike us in 2020. Fascists, a global pandemic, swarms of locusts, murder hornets, erupting volcanoes, the list goes on. 

My immune system is compromised so I dare not leave the house and the world outside is simultaneously bright, sunny and beautiful directly outside my windows and filled with police sirens and screams on a global scale. I feel as if I am under siege, trying to hold out against a virus that my government is too incompetent to deal with.

I should be screaming, I should be crying, yet oddly nothing has changed for me personally, if anything psychologically I feel in a better place.

There are challenges to be sure. The lack of a reliable supply of diet coke is stressful and my autistic taste pallete has been annoyed at not having the right kind of tomato ketchup but that’s hardly life threatening. Even the lockdown fever caused by anxiety over the pandemic and not being able to get out and do stuff has not altered circumstances too much. That might sound absurd to my close friends who know the personal problems I’ve been going through but nothing I have faced has yet crossed the threshold into being as bad as when dad lived with us and I was still at school. It does sometimes feel like living in a continual social cold war with the doomsday clock edging ever closer to midnight but even if it did strike midnight it still wouldn’t be as bad as my childhood.

I have an increased sensitivity to the feelings I do have so I do care about the hell happening to people outside my little bubble of relative peace. It does make me angry and upset to see that shitheads are defending black face while others are protesting for an end to systemic racism and a radical change to the way the police force is structured. I hate that transphobes are using the cloak of a warped understanding of feminism to protect their bigotry. I feel so sad and angry for everyone who has died because of the coronavirus and this government’s pathetic response to it.

Do not mistake my own personal feelings about my own personal situation for a disregard of the suffering going on in the world right now.

That said. I feel weirdly at peace in my own life. I actually think that’s why I have days when I wake up feeling anxious for no reason. I have been mentally clenching for so long and now I finally feel able to rest and admit the pain I’ve suffered so I can begin to recover from it. Which sounds and feels so fucked up but I think it’s true.

Little has actually changed in how I personally live my life. Since leaving university and being stuck in my hometown I was left without a real life social life anyway and since the diagnosis of Kallman’s Syndrome I have felt unable to work and the nazi stalkers have left me feeling under siege. The pandemic thus provides a simple explanation I can give to anybody to justify why I can’t work, have no real world social life and feel under siege. It provides an easily understood coat of pain to my messed up life. Even my imposter syndrome can’t argue with a global pandemic.

So much of my existence for the last five years has been about avoiding people, distracting myself from my problems and never leaving the house and now people understand. I don’t have to give multiple lengthy explanations. Everybody seems to grasp not wanting to be infected by the pandemic.

In a weird and messed up way I’m not even that mad in retrospect about facebook calling it ‘hate speech’ when I swear about white people being shits. The practical consequence is that I have stopped injecting myself into the narrative and remind myself to be calm and just let people hear black voices. The last thing the wo9rld needs is more angry white men.

Undoubtedly however a large part of the reason my current existence is easier is that I finally have the gaming computer I always wanted. It means I have been writing less but because I’ve been writing less I’ve been missing my walks less. The one thing I truly miss about going outside. (Don’t insist that it’s safe to go for walks. I’m immunocompromised, I don’t want to take the risk.) I have a taller desk so I’ve been able to cycle on my minibike again and that has meant I have continued exercise. I do however have a treadmill on the way and the perfect place to put it so I can continue having walks soon enough.

The storm has struck and it will be with us for a long time but for now I am doing alright. Now if you will excuse me skyrim special edition awaits. I am an Argonian siding with the Dawnguard and the Empire.

Wednesday, 3 June 2020

Pride 2020

Before I begin I want to make clear that as I write this People are protesting the institutional racism of the police force and the horrendous brutality they employ against black people. I have been stalked by white supremacists and had to get the British police involved when they started sending things to my house. White supremacists have literally set up a wiki dedicated to harassing me and my family. They are complete and total scum who deserve to suffer. I am cis gendered and white so despite everything else I still have some relative privilege and I believe that Black Lives Matter.

Vote out Trump. Vote out the Republicans. Reform the Democratic Party to not be neoliberal conservatives and demilitiarize the American police force. If American people want to claim that I shouldn't get involved in their politics by suggesting that they follow their own damned constitution then I would remind them that it was American white supremacists who became obsessed with me. Being anti-fascist is to be human. Being anti-white supremacists is to be normal. I am not interested in debate or discussion.

Oh and if this does get posted to that white supremacist hate wiki about me and any neo nazi reading this I would ask that they think long and hard about what happened to the nazis in the second world war. Fascism is a con that is doomed to failure and pain for all concerned.

All that said here's my story of how I realised I was bisexual for Pride 2020.

Pride 2020

By
Alexander Gordon Jahans


As it's Pride I thought I would share my story of realizing I am bisexual.
2009 is the year I was reborn as a Doctor Who fan. It is also the year I started to grab a handle on my sexuality but given I was still years from knowing I had Kallman's Syndrome and getting treatment it was hard for me to feel anything for women, let alone the few specific kinds of men I'm into. Then Moffat's Doctor Who turned up.
It is no secret that I love Amy Pond but it was years before I realized there was a sexual attraction there. Matt Smith's Eleventh Doctor however had me hooked from the start in a way I felt since primary school. There were always certain men that I looked up to , admired and wanted to be close to, wanted to like me. Given I was an autistic loner bullied by so many I thought it was just a desire for friendship. Whatever the case I felt that with Matt Smith's Eleventh Doctor.
Matt Smith's Eleventh Doctor is my taste in men. He is cute funny and innocent yet simultaneous capable of being calm, in control, ultra knowledgable and a flirty freak. He is slim, good looking and wears a suit well. He also is part of what I have since realized is as type for me: He is a trickster manipulator.
So Matt Smith's Doctor got me smitten and kind of turned on the heat underneath my sexuality so things could start to bubble.
Then I watched Farscape and fell in love with John Crichton. First it was the innocent "Oh I really like this character" then it was "Oh he's sexy and cute, I want to look like him" I started working out as I watched Farscape saying "I will be beefcake" then slowly I realized I was attracted to him.
It wasn't easy realizing my sexuality because this was happening during university when my parents began to finally separate and the nazi trolls were just starting to become obsessed with me.
I am still trying to understand myself and it is something that has to go on the back burner because the world keeps burning down around me. It's hard to focus on my sexual education and self realization when life keeps throwing shit at me.