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Monday, 31 August 2015

Pretty and the Brain Audiobook nsfw

So you hate Anita Sarkesian

Pretty and the Brain Distraction fic nsfw

Pretty and the Brain
A Distraction Fic

By
Alexander Gordon Jahans

The following takes place after the podquisition fanfic Laura Queen of the Earth and includes original characters and concepts from that story.

The Farsh-nuke sat in an armchair in the Gothic Library of the SEGHAT. He was just catching up on some Asimov when Anna ran in. She was wearing a short skirt and a Nine Worlds Geek Fest Tshirt. 

The Farsh-nuke looked up from his book and grinned at the sight of his faithful Sylph "What is it old girl?"

Anna was anxious but the sound of that confident commanding voice put her at ease. "I've just been to the Doctors with Lucy. I've got cancer."

The Farsh-nuke stared at her, clearly concerned but trying to appear calm for her sake "My gods that's horrible but the Doctor's can help you can't they?" 

Anna shook her head "It's in the brain and right in the center. They can't operate without causing brain damage." 

"Shit" said the Farsh-nuke,

Anna forced a smile "But you removed my brain once before remember? You can do it again. We know it won't kill me."

The Farsh-nuke stroked Anna's cheek and frowned "But I thought you liked being human?"

"I do" said Anna "It'll just be for the operation and recovery, then you can turn me back. It's worth a shot isn't it?"

The Farsh-nuke smiled, she had a plan and it gave hope "Okay, lets do this."

*

They went to the laboratory and Anna stripped down. 

The Farsh-nuke whipped up a potion based on Lucy's old notes and handed it to Anna.

Anna swallowed the potion and handed it back. As she was about to ask for something to wash it down she noticed the Farsh-nuke had left a can of ginger beer on the desk as he went to get his supplies. She greedily drank the ginger beer.

The Farsh-nuke returned and hugged Anna "I hope this works out old friend."

Anna nodded, then she said "If this doesn't, I want you to have Lucy. I know she doesn't want to now but if I can't be yours, she has to be okay, she has to be.."

The Farsh-nuke nodded and kissed Anna on the forehead, then she turned, hunkering down on all 4s.

The Farsh-nuke sliced off a piece of her arse to check she was regenerating effectively. 

Then he cracked open Anna's skull with some power tools and removed her brain with calm focus before placing Anna's skull pack in place.

He cracked open a bottle of Crabbies Alcoholic Ginger Beer and drank as Anna's skull healed. Then he led Anna by the leash to the library. 

He rested his feet on Anna's back as he read to remind himself always that his old girl was safe with him.

After 24 hours he gave Anna the genetic reset to human basic female.

Anna gagged on the potion and the Farsh-nuke let her drink some Crabbies to take away the taste.

Anna lay with the Farsh-nuke for a time before even getting dressed, she knew how much removing her brain affected him. Then when she felt he was okay she went to get dressed and get checked out by the Doctor again.

Anna returned in a skirt and tshirt again but this time she bought good news "They don't know how but the cancer is gone, all of it."

The Farsh-nuke beamed and hugged his old pet. He said "You swore yourself to me and I swore myself to you. Go, you have just cheated death, live a little. I will be waiting here for you when you get back."

Anna grinned then said "Okay but when I get back I am spending the entire next week naked at the end your leash you understand and you just give the word and you can have any of my friends, I mean it, I'll square it with their families."

The Farsh-nuke laughed "Go Anna, it's alright. You don't need to thank me."

"Still gonna" said Anna as she left.

The Farsh-nuke went back to reading his book

*

The Farsh-nuke finished his book and remembered "Oh, that's right, the brain? I should probably get rid of that."

So the Farsh-nuke went into the laboratory and found Anna curled up naked on the counter and crucially without a collar.

He stroked her and she woke up "Master, where have you been, I waited patiently for you?"

The Farsh-nuke said "Sorry Girl, I've been busy, why don't you hop on to the floor and I'll see about returning you to normal yeah?"

Anna nodded and lept off the counter. 

She nuzzled him as he prepared the genetic reset and he fetched a ginger beer.

Anna drank the potion, came to her senses, gagged and drank the ginger beer.

She noticed the Farsh-nuke was staring at her and she asked "What's wrong? Did something go wrong with the operation?"

"No" said the Farsh-nuke genuinely "It was a sterling success, I did however forget to destroy the brain.

Anna looked at him quizzically

An american voice rang out "So where is he then? This Farsh-nuke?"

Anna's voice rang out "Oh he'll be here somewhere. Just hang around yeah, I'll go find him."

Anna glared at the Farsh-nuke and hissed "What is going on?"

The Farsh-nuke placed his finger to his lips and whispered "Just be quiet and stay here. I'll sort it."

Anna nodded.

The Farsh-nuke left the laboratory and entered the library to greet Anna and her friend with the American voice

*

Anna smiled when the Farsh-nuke entered and he clocked the collar she usually wore, still around her neck. 

"This is Lisa." said Anna "She's Californian but don't hold that against her."

The Farsh-nuke smiled "Before I begin I would like to clarify a few things..."

Lisa laughed "It's alright Anna told me you're an eldritch abomination with a thing for taming women. I can't say I've ever exactly considered being a pet as a career option but as I understand it that isn't the problem so much as going in knowing I will end up a pet is."

The Farsh-nuke nodded "Clever girl."

"So I guess if we want to be clear, I, Lisa, being of sound mind and body hereby enthusiastically consent to being tamed to be whatever the hell kind of sylph plaything you want me to be." said Lisa.

The Farsh-nuke grinned, showing off his teeth

Anna kissed him on the cheek "Thank you."

The Farsh-nuke said "Lisa, would you mind possibly if I and Anna had a private word."

Lisa shrugged "I'm your present, unwrap me whenever you like."

"Cheers" said the Farsh-nuke.

The Farsh-nuke and Anna left the library and Anna asked "Something wrong?"

The Farsh-nuke frowned "I see it as an opportunity but something has happened, yes. I forgot to dispose of your brain."

"And?" asked Anna

The Farsh-nuke stared at his feet "It healed into a clone of you. She's standing in the laboratory now."

Anna stared at him "You aren't serious?"

The Farsh-nuke said "Check the laboratory if you don't believe me."

Anna said "Well what do we do?"

"I want to keep her" said the Farsh-nuke "I mean if you're fine with Lisa why wouldn't you be fine with another you?"

Anna sighed "Okay, fair point, you're my owner, if you can look after her I guess that's fine but you can't let her live my life."

The Farsh-nuke glared at her "Anna, you know as well as I do that I could easily convince you to abandon your life if I wished."

Anna frowned "Okay, I'll trust you. What do you want me to do?"

"If she's the brain I removed then it is likely she still has cancer, I need you to let her see the doctor" said the Farsh-nuke. "I mean you did say you'd spend a week at the end of my leash?"

Anna looked the Farsh-nuke in the eyes "Fine, I'll stick to my word."

"Good" said the Farsh-nuke and he stroked her cheek. I'll be right back."

Anna nodded and watched him go.

*

The Farsh-nuke entered the laboratory to find the Anna without a collar.

Anna said "That was her wasn't it? The Anna who had her brain removed. The real Anna."

The Farsh-nuke sighed "You always were a clever girl,"

"So what happens now?" asked Anna "Am I humanely disposed of?"

"No" said the Farsh-nuke "I'm keeping you both."

Anna said "But I only have one life."

The Farsh-nuke stroked "You're mine remember? I swore an oath to you and I am not about to break it if need be I will convince one of you to go pet full time but for now that is not my priority."

"Then what is?" asked Anna

"You are the brain with cancer remember?" said the Farsh-nuke

Anna slumped "I forgot about that."

"Look Anna, the one who successfully got rid of her cancer, she's promised to be at the end of my leash for a week and that means you can go get checked out again" said the Farsh-nuke "Once we know what's going on then I can decide what to do."

"Okay" said Anna "So what happens now?"

The Farsh-nuke removed a pen from his jacket pocket and drew an E on her chest "You are now Anna with an E. You follow me, meet up with vanilla Anna and swap everything except the collar. Then you live okay?"

Anne nodded "Okay"

The Farsh-nuke led Anne outside to meet Anna, oversaw the swap then led Anna into the library.

*

Lisa laughed as Anna and the Farsh-nuke entered "I see why you took your time now?"

Anna grinned "Well my Master does like to enjoy me in private."

"Oh" said Lisa "So are there any special preparations I need to make?"

"No" said the Farsh-nuke "Taming is better when done publicly."

Lisa grinned "Well I'm ready when you are big guy."

The Farsh-nuke grinned.

*

The next morning the Farsh-nuke lay sprawled out in his pyjamas on his king size bed while Lisa and Anna each lay naked on special sylph beds scattered about the floor of his room.

Anne stroked the Farsh-nuke's face and backed off, using a quantum oscillator to silence his instinctual shrieks of alarm.

The Farsh-nuke got out of bed and followed Anne into the bathroom.

"Sorry to wake you like that" said Anne

"No" said the Farsh-nuke "You were right to. We don't want Lisa to know until well we know... how did it go?"

"I've still got it" said Anne

The Farsh-nuke nodded "I thought as much."

"What do we do?" asked Anne

"Well as I see it we have three options" said the Farsh-nuke "Option 1, I do the procedure again but this time I remember to mince and car your brain. Option 2, they perform the operation despite the risk of brain damage. Option 3. You find out where the cancer is and I only remove and destroy that part."

Anne said "I like option 3. I feel like Option 1 is basically saying that I shouldn't exist."

The Farsh-nuke hugged Anne "Honey, I don't, I literally contradict the laws of physics. You are lovely whether or not you should exist."

Anne blushed "Thanks."

The Farsh-nuke pulled back "Get scans done of where the cancer is. I'll get it out."

Anne nodded "I will, enjoy your sylphs."

*

When the Farsh-nuke reentered his bedroom Lisa was stretching.

The Farsh-nuke smiled "So how did you enjoy your first night as my plaything?"

Lisa grinned as she sat up "You are good."

The Farsh-nuke said "No regrets? I don't need to call you a cab?"

Lisa shook her head and rolled onto her belly so she could crawl over to the Farsh-nuke "I will let you know if I ever have a problem."

"Good" said the Farsh-nuke stroking her cheek "I rather like you. Now get dressed. We've got to get you micro chipped and officially collared."

Lisa looked up at him "Officially collared? What does that mean?"

"It means legally my pet sylph, with all the protections that brings" said the Farsh-nuke "What pill were you looking at anyway?"

Lisa shrugged "Like I say, I never considered this as a career option."

"Well we'll pick up some leaflets while we're out." said the Farsh-nuke "You've got a few years before you need to decide anyway."

Anna yawned, admiring the view "Best thing about you taming Lisa? I get to admire that arse."

Lisa laughed "Oh is that why you picked me?"

Anna shrugged "I won't lie it formed part of the decision."

Lisa stuck her tongue out at Anna.

Anna laughed "I gather I also have to wear clothes or will a bikini be alright? I'm never sure what the dress codes for sylphs are."

The Farsh-nuke frowned "Nor am I, I'd say pick both. If the dress code allows bikinis you can strip."

Anna nods.

*

When they return home Lisa is sporting a scarlet collar and flicking through the leaflet on sylph pills.

"I could be a horse" she said "Or a mermaid?"

The Farsh-nuke rolled his eyes "Yes, even a Seghat or dragon."

Lisa turned to him "I can be a dragon?"

The Farsh-nuke frowned.

Anna said "Lisa, I know you're excited by all the possibilities but he's only just got you. Let him get bored before discarding that body."

"Fine" said Lisa "So my options are burn and be a superhero, become a common or garden sylph or get super regenerative powers but abandon higher brain fictions and become utterly obedient."

The Farsh-nuke said "I wouldn't pick the last one, there's nothing fun about you being completely and utterly obedient if its chemically induced."

"So common or garden sylph then" said Lisa "At least until I work up the courage to burn."

"Right, I'll go make you up a batch then" said the Farsh-nuke heading off into the depths of the Seghat.

Lisa stared after him "But I thought we had to by them?"

"Oh he makes his own" said Anna "We used to play with turning me into cattle and even with my being a mermaid but he always likes us just the way we are, only with a little less ageing"

Lisa titled her head as she examined Anna "You were a mermaid?"

Anna grinned "Lets head to the library and I'll tell you all about it."

*

The Farsh-nuke entered the laboratory to find Anne sitting on a chair with a folder in her lap.

The Farsh-nuke stared at Anne "Back so soon?"

"Lucy gave me a lift" said Anne "How was your day?"

The Farsh-nuke grinned "I love new sylphs"

"Good" said Anne with a genuine smile "I'm glad you've had a good day and have something good to look forward to." she gestured to the counter "2 cans of ginger beer for me, a 4 pack of crabbies for you. A stove and cooking utencils, should you wish to take advantage of me while in my cattle form," then she patted her lap "And the details of where the cancer is."

The Farsh-nuke said "Okay, lets do this. And remember if this doesn't work it's not the end."

"I know" said Anne

The Farsh-nuke mixed up the cattle potion as Anne stripped.

Anne downed the potion then chugged the first can of ginger beer.

The Farsh-nuke milked Anne for some fat for the stove then sliced off part of her arse so he could fry it on the stove. When he finished cooking the arse and plated it up Anne's arse had healed.

He flicked idly through to brain scans and doctor's notes then cracked open Anne's head, it was almost becoming routine now. He drilled into Anne's brain until he found the tumor, then he cut around the tumor, a centimeter into healthy tissue and pulled it out. Then he dropped the tumor into a blender and set it to puree as he put the top of Anne's skull back on her head to heal. He chewed on the fried arse as the tumor pureed then he made up the potion to turn Lisa into a common or garden sylph as the pureed tumor charred under the stove. Finally he ground the charred tumor puree into ash.

The Farsh-nuke opened a bottle of crabbies and exited the laboratory carrying the crabbies and the potion.

*

Lisa stared at Anna "You... And he... With a shark...?"

"A Charicthy" said Anna "And his name was Sven."

Lisa stared.

The Farsh-nuke said "Sorry I was a while, little bugger was hard to wank off but I got the potion made at last."

Lisa stared at the potion "What's it made from?"

"The blood and cum of an Albino Sylph Squirrel" said the Farsh-nuke "Not a problem is it?"

Lisa retched.

"Yeah, there's a reason shops sell sylph pills" said Anna "Getting it dried and mixed with sugar and fruit juices makes it much more palatable."

Lisa looked at the Farsh-nuke nervously "Can I get a pill? I don't particularly want to down a pint of blood and cum"

"Of course you can" said the Farsh-nuke "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. That's how this works. Besides it's kind of sweet. I mean Anna's chugged tons of these."

Lisa muttered "Shit"

"What?" asked the Farsh-nuke.

Lisa looked the Farsh-nuke in the eye "Anna is my best friend. I can't let her have one over on me. Give me the potion."

The Farsh-nuke handed Lisa the potion.

Lisa said "I am yours, you understand? Never forget that. I may not be as hardcore as Anna but I am yours" then she downed the potion.

The Farsh-nuke handed her his crabbies.

Lisa drank it gladly then sat in shock "That was not pleasant."

"How do you feel?" asked the Farsh-nuke.

Lisa shrugged.

Anna said "I think the effects don't show unless you go too long without your Master or unless your Master treats you like a pet. I don't know. I'm between pills at the moment."

Lisa looked at the Farsh-nuke "Well, you are my you know? Shall we see if this manifests when you enjoy me?"

The Farsh-nuke smiled "I think I can do that."

*

The Farsh-nuke woke up Lisa naked on his bed, the collar standing out on her neck. Clearly she'd got lonely in the night and climbed onto his bed to be with him. He stroked her cheek and marveled at the sleeping beauty for a moment before sliding carefully out from under the covers and tiptoeing out the door.

He entered the laboratory and mixed up the genetic reset for Anne then he paused, his stomach rumbling and fried up some arse for breakfast.

Anne drank the potion, came to her sense and drank the ginger beer to wash down the taste.

"Well I'm alive" said Anne "That's a good sign."

"Yeah, I think you'll be fine now." said the Farsh-nuke.

Anne observed the meat on his plate and the grease around his lips and said "Have breakfast did you?"

The Farsh-nuke smiled.

Anne returned the smile "Maybe when I get the all clear I'll take the burn so I can provide some eggs for your breakfast?"

The Farsh-nuke snorted "Get dressed and find out if you have the all clear, then we can talk about what you'll do with your life."

Anne laughed as she started to get dressed "Okay but I am still your pet. I expect big things when I return"

"Oh I can promise you that" said the Farsh-nuke

Anne got dressed as the Farsh-nuke finished his breakfast. They hugged and went their separate ways.

*

The Farsh-nuke was sat on a sofa in the library, reading the next Asimov book with Lisa curled up beside him and Anna reading some really hot Sherlock Holmes and John Watson slash fiction beside him. 

Anne entered, squeeing.

Anna and the Farsh-nuke each set down their respective books, Lisa stirred in her sleep.

"Anne" said the Farsh-nuke in shock "What are you doing here?"

Anna stared.

Anne said "I got the all clear."

The Farsh-nuke and Anna grinned.

"That's fantastic news" said the Farsh-nuke.

Anna said "Bloody heck! You've got two of us now."

Anne said "It's alright. As far as I am concerned you are the real Anna. I am Anne with an E. And I have decided I want to take the burn."

The Farsh-nuke stared at her "Really?"

Anna said "You realise that means I never have to do it now?"

"Yeah" said Anne "I'm the pet, you're the person"

"And I'm the toy" said Lisa

The Farsh-nuke stroked her back.

Anne said "Aww. I remember when we used to insult each other. Well done Farsh-nuke. Kind of sad I missed her taming."

"Well maybe I'll let you know when I restore your memories" said the Farsh-nuke.

Anne smirked "Deal."

Lisa said "So you got two of Anne? Could you get two of me?"

Anna and Anne looked at him.

The Farsh-nuke sighed "Yes, Lisa I could duplicate you."

"Do it" said Lisa "That way one of me can continue trying to have a career and the other well.."

Lisa grinned.

The Farsh-nuke stroked Lisa and looked to Anna and Anne for guidance.

"I want her as a hamster" said Anna

"And her as a toy to play dress up with" said Anne

"Ooh and as a dragon?" said Anna 

"And as a mermaid" said Anne

The Farsh-nuke sighed and led Lisa into the laboratory.

The End  

Themes and Symbolism of Laura Queen of the Earth

Themes and Symbolism of Laura Queen of the Earth

Sunday, 30 August 2015

The Right to Die

Themes and Symbolism of Laura Queen on the Earth

Themes and Symbolism of Laura Queen of the Earth

By
Alexander Gordon Jahans
AKA

You mean this is more than just submissive hot chicks?

  • The Septagonoid Logicio War
  • The Pedant Antagonist
  • The Immoral Ally
  • Patriarchy
  • Economics of Slavery
  • Monarchy
  • The Corruption of Power
  • Necessary evils becoming normalised
  • Poor versus rich
  • Imbalance of power in relationships
  • Gender Identity as something evolved civilisations have long since passed
  • Konami as a symbol of megacorporate evil
  • Transhumanism
  • The arrogance of capitalism
  • Meat is murder
  • Revolutions as hope transitioning from one state of patriarchal corruption to another
  • The nerd jock divide

The Man in the Mirror nsfw

The Man in the Mirror

By
Alexander Gordon Jahans

A lot of amazing things have happened lately. 

Obviously, chiefly, my podquisition fanfic Laura Queen of the Earth is unarguably fantastic success as there are now nearly as views on it as there are likes on my fanpage. Nearly seven hundred views on a long bit of scifi pulp fan fiction. Amazing and Laura K Buzz herself read it, that is unbelievably awesome and I think months and years could go by before I stop internally squeeing about that.  

I also found myself looking in the mirror and liking how I looked unironically, I am now good looking enough that I with my high standards when it comes to men would find me attractive. I am growing a moustache and my voice is deepening gloriously. I'm even losing my sense of shame regarding my breasts or they're shrinking or something because I actually don't mind not wearing my shirt now.

My dad has even started to understand that the situation is complicated and he can't just motivate me to get a job because fundamentally getting a job is not just a matter of motivation and he's given me some money towards not starving which is nice.

There is a catch though, a catch that doesn't diminish how awesome these things are but does give me pause for thought. At long last I feel like I am becoming a man and that personally is awesome but as a writer is just awful. I talked about this a little on facebook and someone got the wrong end of the stick so I had to delete it but basically that massively successful fanfic could have been better had I had better porn and thus not found myself inclined to write a needless scene of fetishistic titillation. 

Don't get me wrong it doesn't ruin the story as the entire thing is basically about sylphs and how desperate times make those in power, even if they are brilliant people, corrupt and decadent. In many ways the sylphs are an excellent metaphor for the corruption power brings as at first you turn to exploitation out of necessity and then it's just convenient and useful and enjoyable. So I'm not saying fetishistic titillation in that story is bad but that instead of writing an epic final confrontation I decided to retread old ground because I felt horny and here was an excuse for a pretty woman to get naked.

This is not going to be the blog where I talk about porn, I need to do way more research before I write a blog post about that but this is going to be about why the lack of porn is a problem. Why being a man and a writer is a problem.

I write like I make videos, because I like to. Which means Author Appeal is basically an enforced trope. I like sharks, I like exposition, I like feminism, I like badass lines, I like cute flirting, I like sylphs, I like the metaphysics of the multiverse, I like the moral greyness, I like the fight scenes and the character relationships and overlapping plots and subtext, I like pedants as the ultimate evil and I like the concept and role of the Farsh-nuke.

There was a time when I blamed the execution on the ideas. The Farsh-nuke is a sexist idea so I shall stop writing him. etc... The problem is that the ideas aren't to blame, I am. I mean the Farsh-nuke is technically a genderless sentient proto universe who identifies as a man living in the same body as well frequently a man though it could be anything and even when it is a man there's the Unleasher to add an interesting layer of complexity. I mean there could be a story to be told where the Farsh-nuke is in the body of a transwoman and becoming the Unleasher is the Farsh-nuke coming out as genderless and agreeing with whatever their host is more comfortable with. There is so much genuinely interesting stuff there and even with the classic William Dickson Wright model it can be done well... If you are not a crap writer.

You see I write like I make videos, with no editing. And that is a problem when you get distracted by the sexy.

This is more than just inadvertant sex scenes though. In my desire to get better at writing women I have neglected the need to be a better man. 

It seems almost ridiculous to criticize myself for not being a good enough man because I am a moral minded left wing nerd but when it comes to women, though I have always pretty much acted like gender was never a factor, I am a shit. 

My approach to men is a nuanced and complex thing, they have to look nice but like they don't care about how they look, they have to be moral, charismatic, funny, fair, leftwing, feminists and kind to pets and appreciative of badass cool things and then I have this kind of soft crush that is just like "I would follow you anywhere because you are awesome. If you wanted to put a collar on me and keep me as your pet I would be utterly fine with that because you are awesome." 

My approach to women is very William Dickson Wright "You are hot so I want to explore every facet of your body and I would like to cuddle you and shower you with gifts and maybe put a collar on you because I want you to be mine." That is NOT good. I never actually say any of that or act on any of that because in reality I don't wanna be a creep and instead I am a techno hermit who petty much only asks people out when I know it is impossible so I don't have to actually risk them saying yes but I need to fix this, I need to make myself into the kind of man I would be happy to see in fiction with a woman and therein lies the rub.

This is the aspect of feminism I have neglected, how men who love and fuck women can exist in feminist or pseudofeminist stories without being the sexist badguys or part of the patriarchal establishment that needs to be overthrown. Indeed this is an issue that is pertinent to the modern world, the patriarchy is crumbling and what is a straight man or bisexual man supposed to do when their privilege is gone? Can we continue watching James Bond and the Doctor and Arthur and Robin Hood or does the death of patriarchy and privilege mean a death and dismantling of patriarchal icons?

A lot of feminists are rightly sick of the amount of male heroes and rightly fucking so but for me one type of male hero is missing, the post-patriarchal male hero. The Farsh-nuke could be that hero but I don't think William Dickson Wright can be. To be honest I think the letsplayers I watch are probably better rolemodels than any fiction industry has produced and god help me I need rolemodels.

Anyway I shall exorcise the man in the mirror because I will adapt the tv scripts for Green Eyed Nothing with William Dickson Wright into a series of short stories and if Laura Queen of the Earth seemed gratuitous Green Eyed Nothing is full on anvilliciously exploitative. If there aren't massive screeds about how it is vile scum and I am vile scum for writing it then clearly I am not big enough to be noticed.

Laura Queen of the Earth Part 2

Laura Queen of Earth Part 1

Saturday, 29 August 2015

Laura Queen of Earth

Laura Queen of Earth

Quasi-Canonical Podquisition Fanfic
By
Alexander Gordon Jahans


Dedicated to the hosts of the Podquisition
Laura Queen of Mirth
Jim Fucking Sterling Son
Gavin Miracle of Sound Dunne

Nine Worlds Geek Fest 2016 in London.

Jim Sterling and Laura K Buzz, Queen of Butts, are having a private conversation in an empty room.

Gavin enters, long flowing brown hair, devil horn hands as he enters “Oh man! That was so awesome! I mean honestly Charlie McDonnell, what an amazing singer? Regenerate me! Come on, it was awesome and I think they like me so much they want me in their band, I’m going to be in a Doctor Who band, how cool is that?”

Laura hurriedly wipes her eyes.

Jim says genially “That’s really awesome Gavin.”

Gavin pauses, studying the scene “Wait am I interrupting something?”

Jim tries to placate Gavin “No, honestly, mate, it’s fine. Lets grab a drink shall we?”

“Shit” declares Laura, checking her phone.

Jim turns “What?”

Laura starts showing off footage from her phone “Aliens, or Russians or something are vaporising the Houses of Parliament. In fact not just the Houses of Parliament. The White House, the center of the EU in Brussels, every national or international governing body on the entirety of planet Earth are being vaporised, right now, as we speak.”

Jim and Gavin are horrified but unbelieving “It’s not possible. It’s just not possible!”

“Then explain to me who has the money and the power to bribe all the world’s press into believing this is actually possible” says Laura “I mean just look at this”

Jim and Gavin watch a youtube video play on Laura’s phone:

A young white man in a red tshirt is speaking into his phone camera as he walks through London “Hello, My name is Tom Scott and yes, this is really happenning. The Houses of Parliament, and indeed every other national and international government body, are being vaporised but vaporised by what and how?

Well information is sketchy as I hope you’ll appreciate because this technology is well in advance of our own but there are some things we can be certain of. These are being vaporised from orbit. All the evidence makes that obvious but so far there are no ufos or spy satelites to be found but if they have this technology then it is not inconcievable to believe that they have some way to fool our technology. I mean we can already fake most things pretty well given the right software and time so it’s not hard to imagine a world that has software that can effectively photoshop on the fly before we on the ground get the data.

So what are they doing? What is the vaporising? Well scientists don’t know but some rudimentary experiments have been done and it seems that individual atomic particles are just vanishing, literally ceasing to exist and this is happenning slowly. There are still people in the Houses of Parliament and elsewhere and they are dying. Make no mistake they are. It could take hours, it could take days but they are being whittled away piece by piece randomly. Scientists think that when the beams are shut off, if they ever are, there won’t even be dust or air particles left.

I mean yes obviously our atmosphere will fill the vacuum created but the point is that this beam, these beams, will leave literally nothing left.

And people have tried to escape. An MP for Merseyside tried to leave and he was vaporised in a matter of minutes. It wasn’t a pleasant way to go. At this point there are serious discussions about just mercy killing everyone inside because well there can’t be much worse things to suffer than very slow atomic disintegration and annhialation.

So why are they doing this? Well we don’t know. Nobody knows but it’s not hard to imagine why. Think about what this is: vaporising all the Earth’s national and international governing bodies over an agonisingly slow amount of time so as to decapitate the Earth’s political structure overnight and display your might and power in a way that will scare off any attempts at rebellion.”

The man points the phone camera at the Houses of Parliament and the vast green disintegration beam shooting up into the sky. “It’s the end of the world but the good news is we’ve been preparing for this moment for a long time. Grab your zombie survival bag and get ready to fucking move. It’s judgement day and god is fucking pissed.”

The video finishes.

They stand in silence for a few moments contemplating what was said.

Jim is first to speak “Shit”

Gavin shakes his head “I bet it’s fake. I bet this is just mass hysteria and everything is fine. You know what a circle jerk the news is and besides he’s just a youtuber?”

Jim and Laura stare at him.

“You are aware that we’re all youtubers right?” says Jim

“Well yeah” says Gavin “And that’s how I know it’s horseshit. I know how unreliable we are. It’ll probably be fine.”

Jim says “Actually you know what Gavin probably has a point. We don’t want to cause a panic.”

Laura nods “Yeah, I mean we’re in London, we really don’t want a panic.”

Laura tweets “Don’t worry about the news, there’s too much invested in keeping shit running and even if there isn’t I’ll be Queen and you can all be my loyal subjects”

The trio decide to get blisteringly drunk.

*

They meet in the lobby the next afternoon.

Jim says irritably “I can’t help but notice that the apocalypse has not yet been cancelled.”

“Ah yeah” says Gavin sheepishly “My mum called me last night, the Irish governing body was vaporised too. This shit is legit.”

Laura is studying her phone “Guys I think we might have another problem. I appear to have become a revolutionary leader over night. How the fuck am I going to fight off whatever this is?”

Then the screaming starts.

Jim runs towards the screaming.

Laura and Gavin follow reluctantly in his wake.

“Mate what the fuck are you gonna do?” asks Gavin nervously.

“I know how to fight” says Jim “And besides somebody’s gotta fucking do something.”

The trio break through the crowd to find a tall man in strange clothes injecting women with some kind of needle gun before throwing them into some kind of impossible sack that never gets full.

Jim charges into the guy, knocking him off balance. He pushes the man and tries to trip him, for the moment he’s too stunned to fight back. Jim throws a right hook and drops the guy.

“Well Queen, what do you suggest we do now?” asks Jim.

Laura is freaking the fuck out. She is turning this way and that as demons wrestle inside her mind until finally she declares “I want this man stripped, restrained and monitored. I want to see what we can make of his tech and if we can use it. We’re at a convention. We should be able to do something.”

In the land of the blind the one eyed man is king, in the political apocalypse the woman who keeps her head is Queen.

“Now move!” cries Gavin “Come on, people! You heard your Queen, move!”

And that’s how it begins. A sarcastic tweet, a crowning moment of heroism and a cool head in a crisis.

From there command was easier. Just a matter of answering questions and preventing fuckups. Within weeks there was a command chain set up and rough approximations of the kind of forces that all successful countries need. There were fuckups and mistakes naturally but they kept the people at the convention alive and calm and regularly captured the strange invaders.

*

Laura was sat in her chosen throne room. The managers office on the hotel. She was sat in an executive office chair behind a big desk, reading news reports on her iphone. Behind her a huge window looked out onto a massive road and the landing strips of Heathrow Airport.

Jim Sterling was sat on a stool and using a scrounged pad of paper and pencil to try and write the script for the latest and possibly last Jimquisition.

There’s a knock at the door and the guard says “There’s a woman here to see you Maam. She says she has knowledge of the enemy and wants to help.”

Jim looks up from his work to Laura expectantly.

Laura puts down her phone and shrugs “Let her in”

Jim gets up from his chair and stands protectively before Laura.

In walks a 6foot tall, fair skinned, svelte woman with long blonde hair. She wears practical trainers, jogging bottoms, a tshirt, hoodie and backpack.

The woman studies Laura for a moment then says “So you’re Queen huh? I like the hair, blue is very you. Let’s talk.”

Laura glares at the woman “Who are you?”

The woman looks bored as she says “My name is Lucy Danse. I was bought up fighting robots in a convoy across deep space but laterly an eldritch abomination who was reincarnated as a person then recreated as a robot duplicate has sent me off to act as the great wandering prophet inspiring revolution and ensuring that every single one of the 100 million universes that have suffered what you have stand a good chance to fight back.”

“Say that a lot do you?” asks Laura, noting the boredom in Lucy’s voice.

“Yes” says Lucy icily “Every universe it’s the same fucking deal. Shall we skip to the part where I help you lead the revolution?”

Laura stares at her in amazement “Where are you hiding the brass balls you seem to be packing? You wander into my domain and think you can start ruling my empire.”

Lucy smiles sadistically.

Jim says “My Queen has a point. How do we know we can trust you?”

Lucy studies Jim. A big guy with a penchant for leather, scruffy hair and the signs of having been in more than a few scrapes. “And you? You’re her bodyguard are you?”

Jim frowns “I guess you could say that. I consider myself more a concerned friend ready to do what she can’t.”

“A weapon then?” says Lucy with a smile.

Jim stiffens at that “I suppose you could say that?”

“Hit me then” says Lucy “If I am a trick or a trap or even just some mad womsan desperate for control, hit me as hard as you can. If you’re right the survival of your Queen and her people is far more important than one dead woman. Beat me, kick me, break my bones and crush my heart in your hands. Bite me bitch.”

Jim looks to Laura.

Laura nods.

Jim throws a punch.

Lucy dodges the punch, trips Jim up and puts him into an armlock and whispers “If I wanted your Queen dead, there would be nothing you could do to stop me.”

Lucy abandons Jim and approaches Laura. She goes down on one knee and bows her head respectfully “My Queen, I understand your reservations, I will accept all your precautions. I am your humble servant and I only wish to help you.”

Laura thinks about this for a moment then says “Lets see your butt then?”

Lucy nods respectfully and turns around to show Laura her posterior.

“That is a fine butt” says Laura appreciatively “If I may see that butt more often I will gladly accept your council.”

Lucy smiles “Well yours isn’t too bad either and I must say that I can think of worse ways to save a world then being the royal butt person.”

“Are you flirting with me?” asks Laura

Lucy laughs “Do you want me to?”

Laura smiles mischieviously then says “No, I have a girlfriend.”

Lucy says innocently “Well there’s nothing wrong with looking is there? And anyway I’m game if you want to involve her”

Laura frowns “No, I must not exploit my power. On your feet, champion.”

Lucy stands up and turns “My liege?

“I will have a room set up for you and then we will meet officially” says Laura

Jim groans “Is no-one going to help me?”

Lucy laughs and easily pulls Jim to his feet “Sorry old chap. Time’s a wasting.”

And then she was gone.

*

When Lucy entered again, a number of people were sat in around a big table.

Laura stood up as Lucy entered “Our guest of honour arrives, I trust you found your sleep pleasant?”

Lucy shrugged “I’ve slept in worse places, shall we begin?”

Laura said “Yes but before we do, I think it would be wise to introduce people. This fetching blonde woman to my left is my girlfriend, you may call her Eve. She is here because well you’re a six foot tall blond woman with a fantastic butt. To her left is Gavin Dunne, he makes music based on video games. He keeps people sane. Then we have Max, he is our technology expert. Then we have Ivana, our martial arts expert. Opposite her is James, our resident Doctor. To his left is Hilary, our supplies expert. And well you know Jim.”

Lucy smiles “Pleased to meet you all.”

“So...” says Laura “Tell us what you know.”

“My pleasure” says Lucy and she starts to circle the table, with her hands held behind her back “Our enemy are the Logicios. They are nerds. Individuals chosen for their adaptability and ability to learn and improvise. They travel the multiverse stealing technology, learning what they can from it and integrating it into their own. They are genre savvy, superpowered by technology and utterly misogynistic.”

“How can you be sure?” asks Gavin

“They exploit a creature known as the Albino Sylph Squirrel. It is an artificially created creature whose combined excretions can be blended to make different types and strengths of sylph pills. A sylph pill can do anything from pausing the ageing process and making someone more obediant and submissive to shrinking them and allowing them to reproduce asexually. The Logicios are unique not because they run their empire on sylphs or slavery but because only human women who have become sylphs are kept as slaves and pets by their empire. Oh and they are almost always caucasian, white. Clearly these idiots think it isn’t slavery if it isn’t happening to black folk.” says Lucy.

She pauses behind Laura’s chair.

Laura asks “What chance do we have?”

“Good question” says Lucy as she starts to circle the table again “The Logicios have not yet been deposed because they are too useful to the multiverse. They patrol it, keeping any threats to the multiverse at bay and recently they have been involved in a forever war with the Septagonoids. The Septagonoids are the ultimate pedants, rules lawyers incarnate. They are beings made of pure logic inside great robotic exteriors and they absolutely believe that the multiverse is a mistake that shouldn’t exist. Technically they are right of course but nobody but them actually cares. Their sole purpose in life is to find a way to create the final solution that will render the multiverse one great big logical void. They only have to succeed once and everyone dies.”

Laura is aghast “How does that help us get rid of the Logicios!?”

“We are a side show, a distraction, an attempt to gather reinforcements while they still have time. If we can fight back hard and fast they’ll surrender because they can’t risk losing troops to hold the land.” says Lucy.

Jim says “So to win the revolution we have to bloody the nose of the guys preventing us from all going Phoom!? I have to wonder what the point is? If they’ve got a plan and they need us, fucking let them win!”

Lucy nods “I can understand that perspective. So you’re okay dying at the front lines of a war that can only be conclusively won by the bad guys and oh by the way every woman in this room, every woman in this world and the other hundred million worlds will be drugged, stripped of their clothes and rights, treated as pets if they’re lucky, eaten if they’re not and condemned to an eternity of pointless slavery if they really have it rough?”

Jim swallows “No”

“The Farsh-nuke - that’s the guy who sent me on the mission by the way - the Farsh-nuke told me that I have an opportunity here to not just fight for the individual freedoms of myself and my people but for the ability to offer an alternative to the Logicios” says Lucy “You see you are just fighting for survival. I am fighting for victory. 100 million universes may be a drop in the bucket compared to the multiverse but it is one hell of a headstart in forming an alternative force capable of one day deposing the Logicios without threat to the multiverse.”

“So what are you proposing?” asks Laura “Supposing we do win? What happens then?”

“The United Civilisations of the Multiverse” says Lucy with pride “We only ask a small tithe of soldiers, engineers, money and equipment and we fight the good fight alongside the Logicios in return for certain diplomatic protections and technology sharing and then we grow a multiversal empire.”

Lucy turns and stares at Laura across the table “You are Queen of this rock, I am Queen of the multiverse.”

Laura was blown away, here was someone who knew what they were doing. “How do you treat your lesser Queens?”

Lucy says suggestively “How do you want to be treated?”

Eve glares at Laura.

Laura coughs “People fill her in.”

Jim Sterling begins “We have apprehended half a dozen of the enemy, stripped them, restrained them and contained them under guard. Attempts at interrogation have typically not gone well so we are keeping them under guard for now.”

Gavin says “In terms of morale people are feeling reasonably chill but there is a very definite sense that things are going to get a whole lot worse. I mean I dread to think what will happen when we run out of booze.”

Max says “We’ve tried analysing the tech we’ve recovered and honestly we’ve not got a clue. We’ve had better luck setting up a radio station to let people know that they can come here for help.”

Ivana says “Attempts to train up an army are going better than expected but we are a long way from putting down a riot, never mind the enemy.”

James says “So far we aren’t having any serious issues to deal with and attempts to train up nurses are going well. If something happens we will at least be able to make a fair attempt at keeping people alive.”

Hilary says “The raiding parties are keeping us topped up for now but we really need to start farming. I have no idea what we’ll do when we run out of loo roll.”

“Well you’re doing better than I expected” says Lucy “And I do think I can help you but it is going to get rough. Jim, Laura, can I have a word in private?”

Jim stands up and Laura declares “End of meeting, bugger off!”

As people leave Lucy approaches Jim and Laura.

Eve glares at Lucy.

“Okay” says Lucy, clicking her tongue apprehensively “Lets do this”

Lucy strides over to Eve, towering over her. “You got a problem with me?”

Eve snarles “Stay away from my girl.”

Lucy smiles radiantly “Eve, if that is your name, I don’t care about you. I don’t care about Laura. I care about the hundred million universes that will suffer if I screw this up. If I have to fuck her and kill you to do my duty I will without hesitation. I don’t want to but I will if I have to. Trust me and you can enjoy me and command me. Stand in my way and die. One way or another. I mean maybe you get lucky and you do kill me. Congratulations, you have just condemended yourself and Laura to slavery and death.”

Laura asks “Is there a problem?”

“Nah” says Lucy breezily “I was just explaining that I am as much Eve’s servant as I am yours.”

“Aww, that’s so cute” says Laura “I mean you have to admit that she has a great bum.”

“Oh yeah” says Eve confidently “What a great arse”

Lucy smiles radiantly “Thank you. I hope that one day you’ll both get to enjoy it”

“Yes” says Eve “I think I should enjoy ramming you in the arse”

And with that Eve leaves the room.

Laura is amazed “Wow, you are good”

“I try” says Lucy.

When they are alone Jim asks “So what did you want to talk about?”

“The prisoners you seized” says Lucy “I think I know what they were and if I am right then I can drastically improve your chances of survival but while we examine those I need you Laura to assemble a team of people you don’t mind seeing naked every day and who don’t mind dying for you and the greater good.”

Laura stares at Lucy “What are you talking about? I’m a good Queen.”

“And sometimes people have to die for the greater good.” says Lucy “You need to assemble some lambs because if I’m right there is going to be a slaughter.”

Laura is stunned by the remark.

Jim says “Well, alright, do you want to see these prisoners or what?”

“Lead the way, good Sir” says Lucy.

*

Jim led the way into an empty room where a prisoner lay with his hands cable tied behind his back in a room guarded by two men.

Lucy entered and strode over to the prisoner.

“Well, well, to what do I owe this honour?” asked the prisoner.

“Who are you?” asked Lucy

“Why should I tell you?” snarled the prisoner

Jim snarled “Do you want me to give you a hint?”

Lucy shook her head “There’s no need for that Jim”

She hunkered down on her haunches before the prisoner so she was looking up at him. “You’ll tell me what I want to know because you think you can play with my head and who knows maybe you can? Maybe you learned well from the Farsh-nuke, well enough to make me want to obey you? But I doubt that. I mean if you could manipulate me into being your humble servant with just your voice you wouldn’t have got caught would you?”

The prisoner studied Lucy “Okay. Okay I’ll talk. What do you want to know?”

Lucy smiled “Thank you, who are you?”

The prisoner sighed “Reginald Humphries, I’m a snatcher. I am the advance guard of the harvest. My job is to go down, drug women and throw them in a bag ready for processing. I’m just supposed to clear the streets. I’m not important.”

“And what did you do before being a snatcher?” asked Lucy

“I just graduated, okay” said the Prisoner “They said: Before we give you a SEGHAT, you need to go down there and clear space for the harvesters.”

Lucy nodded “Thank you”

Lucy stood up and said to Jim “It’s as I thought, this man is a Logicio. I want to see his belongings but for now one thing I can recommend is that he is a ready supply of renewable meat. His regenerative abilities defy physics and you don’t need to feed him.”

“Oh so you’re going to starve me and carve me up for food every time I heal, how the fuck is that moral?” jeered the prisoner.

“It isn’t” said Lucy “It’s survival. You will live and your suffering will allow others to live.”

Jim stared at her “You can’t be serious?”

Lucy stared into Jim’s soul “I have been fighting plastic clones since I was a child. War is hell. It makes you do terrible things to survive. Suck it up and keep your people alive or die a noble valiant pointless death and contribute to the food supply. Those are your options”

Lucy left the room.

The prisoner laughed at Jim’s existential angst.

That focused his mind and he followed after her.

*

Jim led Lucy to where the prisoners’ belongings were kept.

“We captured seven of them” explained Jim.

“So there ought to be seven sets of equipment” concluded Lucy.

Jim found a gun and said “This is what the fucker was using on the women”

“Right” said Lucy “We’ll have to test that out when Laura has the lambs picked out”

Jim frowned “You’re seriously going to try that out?”

“Sylphs are useful” said Lucy “And they can be kept and exploited humanely. Then again this could equally be a mind control drug, liquid death or even liquid plastic to turn them into toys. Logicios can be sick fuckers.”

“How is any of that an argument for using this?” asked Jim

“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few’” said Lucy “If we can’t keep the empire viable, it doesn’t matter if we kill someone or not.”

Jim shook his head in disbelief.

Lucy found a gun she recognised and laughed “Brilliant”

“What?” asked Jim

“This is a memory gun” said Lucy “And you have seven of them. Not to mention enough Logicios that one of them might be willing to pass on his knowledge for a cushier position. Again a Logicio could easily use this to torture someone but this is why you have lambs. You no longer need to send someone to college and university, you simply record the memories of someone who knows, point and click. I’m taking one of these.”

Jim stared at Lucy, amazed.

Lucy lit up at the sight of the jackets. “Oh yes! Jackpot!”

“It’s a jacket, Lucy” said Jim, flabbergasted by her enthusiasm.

Lucy laughed and reached her hand into the jacket pockets “I told you Jim, the Logicios are addicted to Sylphs, they turn ‘em like others smoke cigarrettes and that means...”

Lucy pulled out in quick succession: A large jar of white pills, a large multipack of bikinis and a large multipack of collars and leashes. “This is a farm ready to go, just add volunteers.”

Jim frowned “How did all that fit in those pockets?”

“Logic is a living force, it can be reprogammed.” said Lucy and then she turned her attention to the sacks. “Okay we’ve got what we need. Lets go.”

*

Lucy strides into Laura’s office to find 30 women between the ages of 20 and 30 standing to attention.

“Good” says Lucy “You’ve got me some lambs”

“Er yes” says Laura as she tries to make introductions “This is -”

Lucy snaps “Don’t tell me their names!”

Laura is stunned into silence.

“Sorry” says Lucy “That was harsh but I have to be able to kill and dissect every one of these lambs. I do not want to know their names.”

Jim answers Laura’s accusatory stare “Yeah, she’s like that. Miss Cold Pragmatism 2016.”

“Now” says Lucy commandingly “I need 4 lambs to follow me outside and they may not return. You can volunteer or I can pick you.”

A short skinny woman in hipster jeans, with blue highlights steps forward.

Lucy nods “Exit the room and wait. Try to run and I’ll flay you.”

The volunteer nods her understanding and calmly strolls out of the room.

Laura is amazed “This is horrible.”

“Yup” says Jim “And this is command.”

Lucy picks a tall woman with brown hair.

She swallows and strides out of the door.

An overweight woman steps forward and Lucy nods her to exit.

Finally a ginger woman steps forward.

“That’s it” says Lucy “I leave you to the care of your Queen. Jim, if you would?”

Jim nods and strides off with Lucy out the door.

They find all 4 of the lambs waiting obediantly.

Lucy smiles warmly “Sorry about the theatrics. I have to be cold with them so I don’t build up an attachment to them. Any last requests?

The woman in the hipster jeans says “I appreciate your position and I accept whatever fate awaits me but could I have a kiss?”

Lucy is taken aback by this “That’s your last request? Really? Well alright.”

Lucy leans in and kisses the woman on the lips “Now, take this pill.”

Lucy hands the woman a small white pill.

“Do you have any water?” asks the woman.

“Crunch it” says Lucy

So the woman sticks the pill in her mouth and starts crunching it.

“Jim, take her away” says Lucy and she readies a new pill.

The tall woman is given the new pill, likewise told to crunch it and led off by Jim.

The plump woman is jabbed with a needle and sent off.

Then the ginger woman is jabbed with the needle.

Immediately the ginger woman starts tearing at her clothes “Wow it’s hot.”

“Do you think so?” asks Lucy

Jim hurries over “Lucy, um-”

“Later” says Lucy with a wave of her hand before turning her attention back to the ginger woman before her “Would you like me to strip you?”

The ginger woman cries “Yes!”

Lucy obliges “Tell me when to stop yeah?”

The woman nods.

Jim watches as Lucy strips the ginger woman completely naked, layer by layer.

Finally the ginger woman drops onto her hands and knees and says “What would you have me do, mistress?”

Lucy pulls out a collar and leash from her pocket, attaches the collar round the ginger woman’s neck and clips the leash onto the collar. “Honey, be a good obediant little girl and follow but don’t speak okay, I’ll give you lots of hugs later.”

Jim stares.

Lucy turns her attention back to Jim, with a great big grin plastered across her face “We’ll have to try milking her later. Now, what was it you wanted to say?”

Jim blinks and shakes his head “One of them’s shrinking.”

“Fantastic” says Lucy “Those ones are the best.”

“Right” says Jim and he leads Lucy to where he stashed the volunteers.

*

It was a small store cupboard.

The plump woman looked utterly terrified as she watched the tall woman burn where she stood.

The tall woman was standing silently to attention despite the obvious pain she was enduring.

The woman in the hipster jeans was curled up in a corner, utterly chilled out.

The tall woman sees Lucy and says “Whatever you gave me? It’s burning me up inside. It’s so hot. Every part of my body is on fire. Is there anything you can do to at least put me out of my misery?”

“No” says Lucy “I can save your memories but that will include the pain you are currently suffering. If I don’t save your memories the person you are now effectively dies. Your body will live on. It will grow again and it will be a valuable asset to the cause. You’ll be like a superhero but also, to put it bluntly, the fastest growing cattle. We may even be able to milk you and take regular harvests of blood. Do you want to see that day?”

The tall woman stares at Lucy “I can’t make that choice.”

“Then I’m making it for you” says Lucy

And she hands a primed memory gun to the tall woman “Hold the handle and press record”

The tall woman nods and screams.

“What the fuck is happening to her!?” demands Jim

“She is burning up” says Lucy “Her body is being rewritten to exist as a humanoid the size of a hamster and that means all the excess mass has to go somewhere. The memory gun is doing a deep scan of her brain, like being swallowed up by the abyss as you get pins and needles.”

“Is there anything we can do?” asks Jim.

“Leave her in the cupboard and try to ignore the screaming” says Lucy.

Jim stares at her “How can you be so cold?”

“I have to be” says Lucy.

The woman in the hipster jeans sticks up her hand.

Lucy asks testily “What?”

“Well two types of thing were tried. Me and the tall one each crunched pills and she’s burning up while I’m not. Fatty over there got injected and I’m guessing so did Miss Ginger because I can’t help but notice that she’s naked on the end of the leash. Me and Fatty were the controls weren’t we?” says the woman in the hipster jeans.

Lucy says “Don’t call her Fatty. She’s beautiful. You are right though, what’s your point?”

“Well what happens to us?” asks the woman in the hipster jeans “Are we humanely put down or - ?”

“Do you have a better idea?” asks Lucy

“Well I was thinking? These Logicios, they like to take us right? Well use me as a bargaining chip to get one on side and when I’m done...?” The woman in the hipster jeans looks hopefully at Lucy.

“I really shouldn’t have kissed you should I?” says Lucy and she pulls out a collar and hands it to her “Behave okay? And I’m still considering you disposable.”

The woman in the hipster jeans gladly secures the collar round her neck.

“Okay” says Jim “So you and Miss Hipster are cool but what about the other control?”

“She can keep the tall woman company as she burns” says Lucy and she leaves the tall woman and the plump woman alone in the darkened cupboard.

*

Jim follows Lucy and her collared women into the kitchen, in utter shock.

Lucy turns to the woman in the hipster jeans and says “Right, you be silent, do as I say and stick close to Jim. This could get messy.”

The woman in the hipster jeans nods and goes to stand beside the blue screened Jim.

Lucy bends down to look the ginger woman in the eyes “Honey, I’m going to do somethings to you now. There might be some discomfort and pain but trust me, okay?”

The ginger woman nods.

Lucy pats her back “Good girl”

Then Lucy starts rummaging through cupboards until she finds a pint glass.

Lucy takes the glass and holds it beneath the left tit of the ginger woman and then, starting gently and getting harder, Lucy proceeds to massage and squeeze said tit with her right hand until a white creamy substance comes shootinmg forth into the glass.

The woman with the hipster jeans gags.

Jim is watching the whole thing impassively as his whole life flashes before his eyes and he wonders just how he came to be watching a woman milk another.

Lucy holds the pint of milk up and says “Well come on disposable woman, check its safe to drink.”

The woman with the hipster jeans frowns, looks Lucy in the eyes and says “My name is Sally.”

Lucy glares at her “Would you prefer to drink it straight from the teet?”

Sally sighs and accepts the pint glass. She takes a large gulp and hands the glass back. She savours the mouthful of milk and swallows it down.

“How are you feeling?” asks Lucy “Do I need to get a disposable woman mark 2?”

Sally shrugs “It’s milk, slightly sweet but it’s milk”

“And you definitely don’t feel poorly? No fever, itching or aching anywhere” confirms Lucy

“No” says Sally “I feel fine”

Lucy nods “Well okay then” and she tries the milk “Good stuff” she downs the rest of the milk.

Lucy rinses out the glass and rests it on the counter then she lifts the ginger woman to her feet and positions her wrist over the glass.

“You are not doing what I think you are” asks Sally

“Get a cloth” says Lucy “If I’m right she’ll clot swiftly but I’m wrong you’ll save her life.”

Sally hurriedly searches cupboards and draws until she’s found a cloth.

“No need” says Lucy indicating the glass half filled with blood and the ginger woman’s seemingly unmarked wrist.

Lucy ponders “Would it be cannabalism for you to drink sylph’s blood since you identify as a sylph?”

Sally picks the option that means she doesn’t have to drink blood “Yes, yes it would. I’m your sylph, alright.”

Lucy gives Sally a wry smile “Okay but you do realise that means you have to wear a bikini?”

“Fine by me” says Sally with a wink.

Lucy laughs and kisses Sally on the forehead “Sally you’ve won okay, I officially declare that I give a shit about you.” Then she downs the blood “Yep that’s good blood.”

Lucy stares at the ginger woman’s bare arse for a moment.

Sally is nervous by the possible implications of that stare.

Finally Lucy declares “I can’t do it. I don’t need to do it. I’ve proven that she can be milked and bled without consequences. I don’t need to butcher her too.”

Jim cries out elatedly “Oh thank god, you’ve got a line!”

“Pardon?” says Lucy

“I mean the lambs and the Logicio prisoners and then the shrinking and the burning and the walking on a leash and then with the milking and the bleeding... Thank God you’ve stopped short of butchering the poor woman!” cries Jim.

Lucy tutts.

Sally buries her fact in Lucy’s shoulder in embarrassment.

Lucy takes a frying pan out of a cupboard, places it on a hub. squirts some more milk into a glass and pours it into the pan to act like oil or butter. Then she finds a large clean knife and a rolling pin. She sticks the rolling pin in the ginger woman’s mouth and instructs “Bite down when you feel pain, honey.”

Then Lucy slices off a piece of the ginger woman’s arse and fries it in the sylph milk. Once it is cooked Lucy plates up the hot piece of ass and presents it to Jim Sterling. “Bon Appetite, mon capitain.”

Jim stares into Lucy’s eyes, into her soul, and he lifts up the fried butlet, sticks it into his mouth, bites. chews and swallows “Lovely”

Then he thinks for a second and says “Actually that is really good. Holy shit!”

“The intoxicating power of the sylph” says Lucy “They are amazing at everything, including being eaten.”

The taste reminds Jim of something and as he stares at the ginger woman he remembers that this person became surprisingly tasty because of the needle gun sported by the logicios who- “Oh my god! I’ve just remembered the Logicios would put the people they inject into their bigger on the inside bags.”

Lucy’s eyes lit up “Seven bags, that is quite the herd of sylphs”

“Never mind that” said Jim “Those poor women have been stuck in those bags for weeks.”

*

The 4 of them head into the confiscated items area and Lucy lifts up a bag.

Sally immediately starts climbing inside the bag.

Jim asks “Do you think there’s any possibility that they are still alive?”

Lucy shrugs “As I understand the technology, the inside of the bag morphs to the logic you bring with you. Your sense of time should continue inside and thus they’re - well they’re probably not in good shape - but if they’re sylphs they could still be alive.”

Sally disappears inside.

Ten seconds pass.

Lucy asks “Sally?”

Five seconds pass “Sally!?”

Thirty seconds pass “Right Jim, hold the bag.”

Jim jerks to attention “Yes, Maam”

Jim takes the bag from Lucy and holds it open as Lucy reaches her hands into the bag.

Lucy is flailing around, trying to find purchase. She feels denim, finds one trousered leg and then another then pulls.

Sally slides out of the bag and jerks into motion “Okay! That was weird!”

Lucy hugs Sally and kisses her on the forehead. “Oh my god I am so glad you’re okay. I thought I’d lost you.”

Sally stares at her “I thought I was your disposable woman?”

Lucy avoids the question “Did you see anything there?”

“Well yeah” says Sally “Whole bunch of women, frozen in time and then I pulled my feet in...”

Lucy and Sally say at once “Those girls are still alive.”

Jim says “So that means what exactly?”

“That means we need to see the Queen” says Lucy “Because I have a delivery of butts to give her.”

*

Lucy kicks open the door to the throne room and strides in followed by Sally, the Sylph and Jim.

Laura stares in utter shock “Oh holy fuck! She’s naked on a leash!”

“Yeah” says Jim “And that’s not even the half of it. I have seen things you would not believe.”

Laura recoils “But that’s not possible? You know what I do, did, for a living.”

Jim nods “Oh I know and I stand by my statement.”

Lucy explains “The lamb on all fours is a sylph. She is utterly obediant, sweet as can be, she can be milked at will, her blood can be drained frequently and she has a fast enough regenerative ability that her arse can be sliced off and pan fried almost indefinitely. I present the solution to your food shortage situation.”

Laura studies the sylph “Can she remember anything about her old life? Can her situation be reversed.”

“I don’t know and I don’t care.” says Lucy “This is food.”

Laura stares at Lucy “Well okay, even supposing I could be so callous, she’s one fucking woman. How the fuck am I supposed to keep my people fed and watered with one woman?”

Sally throws the sacks at Laura’s feet.

“Seven sacks from seven Logicios” explains Lucy “Each keeps whatever is inside in a state of temporal stasis and each was used to store women who had just been injected with the same stuff that lamb was given. And that’s just to start with, you still have seven guns capable of doing this to more people and I am certain that the substance is replicatable.”

Laura lifts up a sack “So you’re telling me that if I stick my hand inside here I can pull out a woman who will immediately strip and allow me to milk her?”

“More or less” says Lucy

Laura looks to Jim “A little help?”

Jim rushes over and holds up a sack.

Laura reaches her hand inside the sack and finds a leg, she pulls and the temporal stasis allows the woman to slide out. She is tall and blonde.

“What the fuck happened?” she asks “Where am I?”

“It’s alright” says Laura helping her to her feet “You’re safe, we rescued you. My name is Laura, I’m sort of Queen around here. How are you?”

“Weird” she says “I’m Ruby by the way. Is there something wrongwith the central heating, I feel - I feel very...”

“It’s okay.” says Laura “We’ll look after you.”

“Thanks.” says Ruby and she adopts this really goofy grin “You know you’re really pretty. I think I love you.”

“Right, thanks.” says Laura awkwardly, watching Ruby nervously.

“Do you mind if I strip?” asks Ruby

“No” says Laura “You go ahead. It’s alright. Just be comfortable, okay?”

“Yeah” says Ruby as she starts shedding clothes.

Everyone watches her strip in an awkward silence until at last the shoes and shocks are removed and Ruby crawls on her hands and knees to nuzzle Laura.

“Oh, oh it’s all right, there-there’s a good girl.” says Laura, profoundly embarrassed.

Lucy tosses Laura a collar and leash.

“Bugger, okay.” says Laura as she catches the leash and secures the collar round Ruby’s neck.

Laura stares at Lucy “There had really fucking better be a cure.”

“You’re Queen.” says Lucy “See that one is found. For now though, enjoy your windfall of butts.”

Laura smiles sarcastically “Oh it’s a wonderful gift, being responsible for exploiting people who have been so profoundly damaged.”

Then Laura notices that Sally is wearing a collar and asks “Why is she wearing a collar and still clothed?”

“She’s clever” says Lucy “And she’s useful. Also she’s really quite cute. I mean she volunteered to be my sylph. I’m keeping her out of trouble for the moment and then I might get her tamed to get a Logicio on side. Anyway this isn’t our only revelation.”

“No?” asks Laura nervously “What else is there?”

Lucy frowns “Have you ever had a pet a hamster? I ask because one of the lambs reacted to the sylph pills by shrinking and that basically means you’ll have to look after her like she’s a pet hamster for a few weeks until she passes through the guinea pig, kitten and dog stages to be her old size again and then the fun begins.”

“So you’ll be sticking around to help out?” asks Laura.

Lucy frowns and shakes her head “If I can get a logicio on board I need to travel the world spreading to word that Laura Queen of Butts is coming to liberate them and protect them from the Logicios.”

Laura stares at her “But I’m not a Queen and I’m not a politician. I can’t fight and I’m crap at economics. I can’t run an empire. I just talk about how games about flying butts are funny because they are games about flying butts.”

Lucy nods “I know. If you were a real Queen I’d be your precious little sylph by now or failing that locked up in a dungeon. The thing is though that nobody actually cares about the qualifications of their rulers to rule. They care that they keep the food available and squash their enemies. There’s still more I can do to help you but you are going to have to do this, yourself. You have food and drink now. Be a Queen, rule!”

The ginger woman’s leash is tossed to the ground and Lucy whispers in her ear, presumably convincing her to stay with Laura as Lucy and Sally then stride off out the room.

Laura stares after Lucy as she leaves.

Jim asks “What do we do now?”

“Get Hilary” says Laura “Tell him he needs to set up a farm for the sylphs”

Jim nods “One that will see they are regularly bled, milked and carved?”

“Exactly” says Laura “Meanwhile I am going to grow the flock.”

*

Lucy was in the kitchen once again, going through the cupboards for glasses.

Sally asked “What are you doing?”

“I have a hunch.” said Lucy “And if I’m right we’ve got a long night ahead of us.”

Satisfied that she had enough glasses set aside, Lucy pulled out a big mixing bowl and placed the needle gun into it.

Sally felt nervous now “Is this where you turn me into a sylph?”

“Oh heavens no” said Lucy “You’re perfect just the way you are. This is if I’m wrong.”

Sally breathed a sigh of relief and asked “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yeah” said Lucy as she began to use a butter knife to pry the back off the needle gun “You can get me a pad of paper, a pencil and a rubber. Just in case my hunch is right.”

Sally nodded and left the room.

As Lucy worked to try and dismantle the needle gun, she reflected that Sally really could run off this time but Lucy didn’t care. She had fulfilled her purpose as a control and the people would have food now. There was also the ever so slightly small fact that Lucy actually cared about Sally now and didn’t want her staying on pain of death anyway.

At last, the back came off the needle gun and out squirmed a small white albino squirrel.

Lucy’s face lit up with excitement and joy.

“Any luck?” asked Sally, as she arrived with the promised items.

“Oh yes” said Lucy, as she removed the parts of the gun and stood back. “This, my dear, is where it all began... The Albino Sylph Squirrel. A biological machine whose excretions combine in different ways to make different kinds of Sylph Pills.”

Sally stared at the small fury creature in the mixing bowl and looked faintly disappointed “That’s it?”

Lucy nodded and explained like a proud parent “The Albino Sylph Squirrel lives off the energy generated by breathing in oxygen and water and reacting them together. It can also reproduce asexually and that means we now have an infinite amount of sylph pills. I just need to find the right mix.”

Sally said with a wry smile “So you need lambs, right?”

Lucy pulled Sally close and hugged her “Yes, my dear I do need lambs. Men too and see if you can’t scavange one of them empty infinite bags while you’re at it. Somewhere convenient to put the ones who’ve been used.”

Sally smiled “You know I like it when you hug me.”

Lucy laughed and kissed Sally on the forehead then said “Go, my little minion, find me some lambs.”

Sally saluted and left.

Lucy stared at the Albino Sylph Squirrel “Right, little buddy, this is not going to be big on dignity for either of us but duty calls, I’m afraid”

Then she proceeded to extract the different excretions into the glasses and label them.

*

Laura was standing in a room full of naked women as she pulled a frozen woman out of a sack that reanimated when Sally entered.

Sally coughs to politely attract attention.

Laura notices and says cheerily “Oh hello, come to join the farm? Just take your clothes off and get on your hands and knees. I’ll have you harnessed up momentarily.”

Sally laughs “Actually I’m here because Lucy wants me to fetch an empty sack and some lambs.”

“Oh” says Laura, realizing her misunderstanding “Then come in, come in. Mind the butts.”

Sally smiles at that as she proceeds to navigate her way through all the naked women.

Laura pulls out another frozen woman.

Sally arrives beside Laura and Laura asks “So what’s your deal anyway? I know Lucy said you were being used for something but how do you feel about this?”

Sally shrugs “You know what the job market’s like? Or was before the aliens turned up and made you Queen. I figure being someone’s pet cat isn’t a bad life and well I mean you’ve seen her, so tall and commanding. I just like doing what she says.”

Laura laughs “Ah, I get you. Just know that I am Queen and I can seize you from her and set you free if she ever gets too much for you. Now I have an infinite bag for you, if you’ll help be with this last woman?”

Sally nods “Yes, Maam”

Together they remove the last woman and Sally takes the empty sack.

“What are you doing anyway?” asks Laura.

Sally thinks for a second then says “Ever watch Doctor Who and the Silurians?”

Laura frowns “Only watched some of the new series unfortunately.”

“Well never mind” says Sally with a wave of her hand “Suffice to say there is quite a bit of experimentation going on.”

*

Sally arrived back in the kitchen with the empty sack and a conga line of lambs.

“Excellent, you’re back.” said Lucy “I was ever so slightly worried you had left my service.”

“Never.” said Sally with utter sincerity “And anyway what would you do without me? Look, I’ve bought you your sack and your lambs.”

“Thank you.” said Lucy “When we’re done, I am giving you a fry up and the biggest cuddle ever.”

Sally beamed.

Lucy coughed and gestured to the glasses “Cum, piss, shit, tears, spit, blood, vomit. The seven base ingredients. What we need to do is find what the various different combinations mean. If all else fails I’ll get one of the cattle in here to act as refreshments but hopefully we should make cattle before then.”

Sally stared at the glasses and felt queasy “Rather them than me.”

“Right” said Lucy “First Lamb please!”

A woman steps up.

Lucy injects her with 7 centiliters of shit.

“Any reaction?” asks Lucy

“I guess I find you hot.” says the woman.

Lucy makes a note “Next.”

Sally holds up the sack “If you could just climb inside please?”

*

5 centiliters of cum, 1 centiliter of vomit, 1 centiliter of blood.

A short pretty woman steps up.

Lucy injects her.

Lucy watches as the woman grows a foot taller as her muscles thicken and her arms and legs become hairier as her chest tightens up and she develops abs.

“Okay.” says Lucy “I think I know what’s happened here but I need to check something. May I please look inside your pants?”

The woman shrugs “I came in here half expecting to be killed and dissected, of course you can look.”

“Thank you.” says Lucy and she pulls down the woman’s trousers. “Interesting. Next.”

Sally holds up the sack and the woman climbs in.

*

5 centiliters of shit, 1 centiliter of blood, 1 centiliter of spit.

A tall woman steps up.

Lucy injects her.

The woman grows taller and her arms lengthen, the palm thickening and fingers shortening as fingernails toughen and extend. Her neck grows by three feet and the woman finds herself standing on 4 hoofed feet.

Lucys smiles and writes down the result “Sally, take her for a canter.”

The woman asks “Canter?”

Sally puts an arm around the woman’s neck and leads her out of the kitchen.

*
3 centiliters of vomit, 2 centiliters of blood, 2 centiliters of shit

A short man steps up.

Lucy injects him.

The man’s arms grow ludicrously long and great flaps of skin develop between his arms and legs. Horns grow from his head and a tail extends from his arse.

Lucy notes down the results and says “Sally, take him outside, see if he can fly.”

Sally proceeds to lead the bird man waddling out of the kitchen.

*

5 centiliters of cum, 1 centiliter of tears, 1 centiliter of blood

A tall beefy guy steps up.

Lucy injects him.

The man shrinks by a foot and his muscles shrivel as hair burns up and his chest flattens while his pectorals inflate and his nipples extend outward to faciliate new pockets of fat. His voice is noticably more high pitched.

“Sir, may I ask to see inside your pants?” asks Lucy

He winks “Not a problem.”

Lucy takes a peak and confirms her suspicions then writes down the results.

She prepares 5 centiliters of cum, 1 centiliter of vomit and 1 centiliter of blood.

When she injects the man his body returns to its prior state.

“Sally if you could dig out the woman we-?” asks Lucy

“Already on it” says Sally as she pulls out the woman who looks the spitting image of the man.

Lucy injects the woman with 5 centiliters of cum, 1 centiliter of tears and 1 centiliter of blood and she returns to her prior state.

Sally then holds open the sack and gestures.

The man and the woman each shrug and climb in.

*

5 centiliters of blood, 1 centiliter of tears, 1 centiliter of piss.

A brunette steps up.

Lucy injects her.

Skin flaps grow between the brunette’s fingers and toes. A dorsal fin sprouts from her back, her trousers burst as her legs merge to become one powerful tail. Her shoes explode as her feet join to become one powerful flipper. Gills sprout along her neck and she gasps for breath.

Sally drops the sack over the brunette, freezing her in a snapshot of time.

Lucy makes some notes.

Sally says “I know, I know, take her for a swim and report back.”

*

6 centiliters of cum, 1 centiliter of blood.

A young man strides up.

Lucy injects him.

The man smiles.

Lucy frowns “See I would have expected something from that. Do you mind if I hold you in reserve. I want to see if you... grow tentacles or something?”

The man nods “That’s fine, where do you want me to sit?”

Lucy ponders then says “Outside, on all 4s, like a guard dog.”

The man nods and strides outside

Lucy makes a note then asks “Sally, strip him, slowly, say one item of clothing per lamb tested. Let me know if he raises so much as an eyebrow.”

Sally nods.

“Oh and never tell him why.” says Lucy.

Sally grins.

*

4 centiliters of blood, 1 centiliter of cum, 1 centiliter of tears, 1 centiliter of spit,

A middle aged man steps up.

Lucy injects him.

Lucy watches as he strips naked and crawls onto his hands and knees.

Lucy makes some notes then pulls out a collar, secures it round his neck, attaches a leash and hands the leash to Sally.

Sally sighs “I’ll see that this lamb joins Laura’s flock”

*

1 centiliter of cum, 1 centiliter of piss, 1 centiliter of shit, 1 centiliter of tears, 1 centiliter of spit, 1 centiliter of blood, 1 centiliter of vomit.

A tall man steps up.

Lucy injects him.

The man starts to burn.

Lucy says “Sally, hold the fort”

Then Lucy proceeds to lead the burning man to the store cupboard.

The plump woman holds the shrunken woman in her hands and asks “Can I get out now?”

Lucy picks up the memory gun, takes the charged round out of the chamber and pockets in then loads a new blank round and hands the memory gun to the tall man. “Press the button and keep holding the gun. I’ll be back for you later, you’ll be fine.”

Lucy picks up the shrunken woman and leaves the plump women in the darkened cupboard with the burning man.

Lucy returns to the kitchen, hands the shrunken woman to Sally, makes some notes, attaches a note to the charged memory gun clip indicating who and what it’s for then she hands the clip to Sally and says “Take these to Laura and tell her the memory gun clip is to be kept safe for when she grows full size.”

*

Lucy pulled herself out of her chair at 8am. It had taken a while but she and Sally had successfully tested all 49 basic combinations of the Albino Sylph Squirrel excretions.

Sally asked “Can we sleep now?”

“Yes honey, we can sleep.” said Lucy then she cried to the conga line coming to the kitchen “All you remaining lambs, fuck off! Get some rest.”

Lucy picked up the Albino Sylph Squirrel and the syringe and needle pack.

Sally asked “What are you going to do with it?”

Lucy shrugged “I think my room has a safe.”

Sally nodded “Should be safe in there.”

They strode out the kitchen and Sally paused beside the naked man “What about him?”

Lucy frowned and pulled out a collar and leash “I’m only doing this because I care about you okay? I am not in the business of collaring strange men.”

Lucy secures the collar round his neck and they walk to her room.

*

Lucy wakes to a knock at the door.

A svelte woman with blue hair answers the door.

“Ooh! Room service.” says the sleepy Lucy and she pulls the woman inside.

“Have a strip over there, I just need to check my notes.” Lucy flings the woman at the bed and proceeds to try and unlock her safe.

The woman coughs “Lucy, it’s me, your Queen. I was calling to ask you for breakfast?”

Lucy turns and sees that yes the woman on the bed is indeed Laura K Buzz, Queen of Butts. She blushes “I very nearly turned you into cattle so I could milk and eat you, sorry about that.”

“It’s fine” said Laura “Really. No harm, no foul. I am curious why your pet is naked on the floor and why there is a young man in the bathroom?”

“Sylphs like to be naked” said Lucy as if it explained everything.

“Right” said Laura “So I’m going to go now. Get dressed and join us, yeah?”

Lucy nodded “Will do.”

Laura hurriedly left the room.

Sally stared at Lucy and parroted mockingly “Sylphs like to be naked?”

Lucy shrugged “Well I could hardly explain that to thank you for being so loyal and obedient I decided to help you achieve orgasm, she wouldn’t understand.”

“No” said Sally “I’m not sure I understand.”

*

Jim Sterling and Gavin Dunne sat either side of Her Majesty at a round table in the hotel dining hall.

Lucy approached with Sally and the man.

Jim stared as she took a seat beside Gavin “She’s got a man now, how can she have a man?”

“I told you, Jim” said Laura “The naked man in the bathroom.”

“But I thought you meant she was having a threesome, not that he was her new pet.” said Jim.

Laura shrugged “She’s good. Weird and kind of scary, but good.”

Gavin waved “Hello.” and shook Lucy’s hand “I am the bard. Nice to meet you and your pets. Excuse my friends, they insult video games for a living, judgemental is what they do.”

“Excuse me” said Jim “I only insult video games because they keep needing to be insulted.”

“And I’m Queen” said Laura “So fuck you very much.”

Gavin laughed “Well you get my point though.”

Lucy sighed “I figured out how to turn someone into a horse, a bird, a fish person, a cow and how to switch body genders easily” then she got up to get food.

Laura stared “What?”

“It’s true” said Sally “We discovered it by accident last night. There’s one to get the body of a man and one to get the body of a woman. Best part is it’s incredibly cheap since it’s produced naturally by the Albino Sylph Squirrel and there’s no upkeep. I like the horse myself.”

The three of them sat open mouthed as they considered this. Finally Gavin said “So does that mean you could ride your girlfriend in more ways than one?”

Lucy sat down, her plate piled high with food. She said “Honey, go get your breakfast.” and Sally set off.

Gavin asked “So does she only eat when you let her?”

Lucy shrugged “She’s a sylph, it’s what they do.” then she began shoveling food into her face.

Laura looked concerned at the naked man with no food and said “You there, boy. I am the Queen and here-by order you to go get breakfast and eat it.”

The man nodded and strode off to get food.

Laura said “You know, Lucy, you really should get that man some clothes.”

Lucy shrugged “Fine.”

Sally and the man arrived back with food.

“So how did the farm go?” asked Sally as she ate.

“Oh, well.” said Laura “That’s what this is actually. Hilary, even found that if you ask nicely and give them a cuddle and a chance to rest and relax they’ll let you take internal organs. That’s how we got the intestines for the sausages and black puddings.”

Jim and Gavin started to retch.

Sally smirked.

“These sausages use internal organs from Sylphs, by which you mean drugged women?” said Jim “I just want to make sure I’m getting that entirely right?”

“Oh they’re fine.” said Laura “The girls love it. Slice ‘em open, cut the organ free, whip it out, they heal in moments and say they like it because they feel all tingly inside.”

Laura casually bit into a sausage.

Gavin said “Well I suppose so long as it’s consensual and they’re fine, it’s okay. Better than normal sausages actually.”

“Yeah but Gavin this isn’t consensual” said Jim “This is being drugged by a strange man in a street and then finding the idea of being dissected fun.”

Gavin shrugged “More consensual than farming.”

Laura pondered “Maybe we could make an entirely consensual sylph meat farm? Just be completely open with the fact that we’re going to drug them so they become obediant little lambs then milk, bleed and dissect them every day to provide food for the population and they would absolutely love it.”

“Well that would be better.” said Gavin

Laura looked to Sally “What about you, dear? I know you and Lucy are committed to each other but if I were to ask you to join the farm, would you be okay with it?”

Sally shrugged “Well I already volunteered to be a lamb, difference is this time I’d know I would live and have a great time.”

“And there you go.” said Laura “This meat is the best, most guilt free, meat there is.”

“And it tastes good.” said Gavin.

“I think I’m going to vomit.” said Jim

“So what is on the agenda for today?” asked Laura

“Well I am going to see if there is some way we can make alcohol.” said Gavin.

“I am going to drill my men to patrol the streets.” said Jim

“I am going to explain what I learned from my experiments last night.” said Lucy “And I am getting this pretty one tamed because we need a Logicio on side.”

Sally blushed.

“Are you sure?” said Laura “There are lots of other pretty women who could be used to bribe the Logicio. You don’t have to part with Sally.”

Lucy shook her head “A hundred million universes remember? I’ve got a long road ahead of me, I can’t afford to be distracted. A Logicio will know how to look after her and it is why I put myself through this.”

Laura frowned “I could look after her?”

Now Lucy stared at Laura “Somehow I doubt that is true considering your girlfriend gets antsy at a little flirting saying “Hey, here’s a woman who is going to be our pet.” probably won’t fly.”

*

Laura followed Lucy and Sally out of the Hotel and towards a makeshift stable.

Sally led the way in and patted her horse proudly “I call her Princess.”

Lucy glared at Sally “What did I say about names?”

Sally stuck her tongue out at Lucy.

Laura was silent in fascinated horror as she circled the horse with the head and chest of a human but the strong legs and hoofs of a race horse. “What do you call this? The type of Sylph I mean?”

“Thorough-bred.” said Lucy “You’ll want to get a breeding programme going so you can get some proper work animals.”

Laura stared into the Thorough-bred’s eyes “But she’s so human?” said Laura “She’s not a work animal.”

“Oh she is.” said Sally “She’s still a person, she still has hopes and dreams and fears but she is absolutely a work animal. Isn’t that right, Princess?”

“Yes.” said the Thorough-bred.

Laura gasped in shock.

“Oh please don’t be scared, my Queen.” said the Thorough-bred “I became a lamb knowing that I could be killed or dissected. I won’t lie to you, this was a shock but I think I can get used to this. This body has new hormones and new chemical rewards. I’m still adjusting and I’d like it if I could listen to the radio but I assure you that I can do this. I can be your work horse.”

Laura frowned and threw her arms around the Thorough-bred’s neck, hugging her, then she kissed her on the cheek and said “I will get a radio out here for you. Thank you.”

“Princess?” asked Sally “Would you like to give your Queen a ride to the river? You know the way don’t you?”

The Thorough-bred smiled “Oh yes, my Queen, could I?”

Laura looked instinctively to Lucy for verification then she climbed up on the back of the Thorough-bred. “Self driving horses, this is new.”

The Thorough-bred laughed as she strolled out of the stable with Laura on her back then started building up to a canter.

Laura clung to the Thorough-bred’s neck for dear life but it was a thrill to feel the wind in her hair and experience the utter elation of her ride as she got to experience the fun part of being a Thorough-bred Sylph.

“Princess?” Laura asked “How would you like to be my personal mount?”

Princess squeed “Oh my god that would be so awesome! I mean you’re Queen, that means cavalry charges! Imagine us charging into enemy infantry, trampling all under foot!? We would be unstoppable!”

Laura laughed at the image and then the laughter turned into a silent scream as she realised “Oh yes, I am Queen, I will have to butcher people on the field of battle. I am going to be a murderer.”

*

Laura and Princess arrived at the river bank to find Lucy and Sally patiently waiting for them.

Laura asked “How did you beat us?”

“I’m fast.” said Lucy

Laura studied Lucy, tall, powerful, she could believe it and that begged a question “Well maybe I should make you into a Thorough-bred Sylph? Improve the breeding stock.”

Lucy grinned “I’m not sure your girlfriend would like it if I was naked, on all 4s and you were riding me?”

Laura burst out laughing at that and got off Princess.

Sally frowned and said “Actually we beat you because Princess isn’t used to being a horse yet, much less being ridden and she doesn’t have a saddle so what meagre speed she does have will be limited to give you a comfortable ride.”

“It’s alright.” said Laura “I’m not going to ride your mistress Sally.”

“More’s the pity.” muttered Lucy

Laura couldn’t help smiling at that.

“Anyway.” said Sally loudly “Allow me to introduce our Mermaid. Say hello Ariel.”

Laura watched as a tall, lithe, woman with a strong powerful tail where her legs should be and flippers for hands, launched out of the water, breaching like a shark.

Sally went to the water’s edge and Laura followed.

Sally patted the edge of the river and Ariel poked her head out.

“My Queen.” said Ariel “How good it is to see you.”

Laura reached out to wipe Ariel’s hair away from her face “Oh my poor dear, what’s happened to you?”

Ariel shrugged “I’m a mermaid now, mermaids are cool.”

Then she gestured to her neck “I’ve got these rad gills you see? Means I can stay underwater indefinitely. But I still have a nose and mouth so I can speak and breathe air.”

Laura nodded “I can see that and that’s really cool but I have one question to ask and I know it isn’t yours to answer but I need to if you don’t mind: Why? What’s the point of this?”

Ariel thought for a moment then said “Well I suppose I am a fish and that means you can have a renewable supply of consenting sushi?”

Laura stared at the mermaid in astonishment.

Lucy sighed “Laura you are supposed to be the fucking Queen of the world. Mermaids aren’t just cool, they’re useful. The British Empire was founded on the strength of its navy. As much as I commend Ariel for her willingness to reside on your dinner plate you could do so much more with her. The Americans tried to use dolphins to plant mines in World War 2 for example. You could have an underwater army of mermaids whose sole job is to damage the hulls of ships, cause them to sink and loot the wreckage. Not to mention the fact that Ariel is by her nature a fantastic swimmer and could concievably tow a raft of survivors or even stick them all in an infinite bag and swim back to shore. She is a valuable resource.”

“And she’s pretty.” said Sally.

Lucy sighed.

Laura chuckled.

Ariel grinned “Well there you go. I’m very useful my Queen.”

“Yes.” said Laura “I think you are but let me know if ever your position irks you. I’ll do everything I can to help you. Including, if necessary, taking up your offer of sushi.”

“Thank you.” said Ariel.

Laura smiled then turned to Lucy “So where next?”

Lucy shrugged “Sally?”

Sally laughed and strode off along the river bank.

“I might take Princess.” said Laura

“Quite right too.” said Lucy “Break the old girl in.”

Laura pulled herself on top of Princess and asked “Can you possibly follow Lucy and Sally, please?”

“At once, my Queen.” said Princess as she started following the pair.

“She wants you, you know?” said Sally

Lucy shook her head “Nah, she’s got a girlfriend.”

Sally tutted “How can you be so dumn to this? You’re my mistress, you’re suppoxsed to be an expert on sylphs yet you really don’t see it?”

“See what?” said Lucy with a laugh “We flirt but that’s all it is. Just two strangers, who think each other attractive, having a flirt.”

“She likes it when you’re in control” said Sally “You make the hard decisions, you turn people into horses and mermaids and you solve the food situation. You get things done. She likes that, how could she not?”

Lucy sighed “But that’s not a relationship, that’s a professional dynamic.”

“And you think she knows that?” asked Sally “You turn up out of nowhere, start flirting with her, take charge, seduce women to be yours at the drop of a hat and you seriously think she hasn’t assumed that she’s as much your sylph as I am?”

Lucy laughed “She doesn’t want me to be her owner.”

“Maybe not but there is some definite unresolved taming tension there and she wants you to stay. My advice is be ready and be careful. I know you have to go. I understand your mission but she doesn’t want the responsibility of making the hard decisions. She wants to be the critic admiring all the butts.” said Sally

Lucy snorted.

Laura enjoyed the view and the ride.

Princess was explaining how she worked as a cashier at Tesco.

*

They arrived as a clearing where a small figure sat.

“Welcome-” Sally boomed “-to Jurassic Budgie!”

Laura laughed.

Princess snorted.

Lucy rolled her eyes.

“I would dismount if I were you.” said Lucy “Don’t wanna spook him.”

Princess slowed to a stop so Laura could get off.

“Now he’s quite shy.” said Sally “He’s not used to being looked at so give him his personal space.”

Laura nodded “Actually I’m surprised anyone is handling the transformation well.”

Lucy sighed “Men are used to ruling the world, to be a curiosity others want to touch is not normal for them.”

Laura nodded silently.

They approached the figure and Laura could see now that it was like an old man in an anorak holding two ski poles but there were horns extending from his head.

Sally strode on ahead and announced “Charie, Charie, there’s some people to see you.”

The teradactyl turned to Sally’s voice and saw Laura and Lucy approach. “Sally?” he wheezed “I thought you’d never return. Who are these?”

Sally said “The blonde one is my owner. I’m sort of her pet, it’s a long story. The one with the blue hair is your Queen, Laura.”

“Oh?” said the teradactyl and he bowed his head as the Queen approached “I had no idea royalty would be visiting. Apologies for my appearance.”

“It’s quite alright.” said Laura “After all you became this because of me.”

The teradactyl laughed “My dear Queen, this is no sentence. I can fly. I have been granted a great gift. Come, you must let me show you?”

“I’m not entirely sure it’s safe.” said Laura

“I understand.” said the teradactyl “We cannot risk hurting royalty but you do deserve a demonstration.”

Sally grinned and started to walk round to the teradactyl’s back.

Lucy balked “Actually, Laura, I think it’s perfectly safe, why don’t you ride?”

Sally glared at Lucy.

Laura looked between the two of them and said “Actually, Lucy, has a point. If it’s safe enough for Sally, it’s safe enough for me.”

Sally trudged back towards Lucy.

Laura approached the teradactyl, climbed on to his back, gripped onto his horns and said “Okay, Charie, lets do a nice gentle take off and landing shall we?”

“Trust me, my Queen.” said the teradactyl and he started flapping his wings.

Lucy picked Sally up and carried her as she sprinted towards Princess.

The teradactyl hopped, skipped and jumped. His wings were supporting him now as he sprinted towards the ground, increasing the airflow over his wings, meaning he was encumbered less and could run faster and fly higher until... take off!

Laura gasped as they left terra firm and he banked in the air, rising ever higher as he followed the course of the river.

“Wow.” said Laura

“Yup.” agreed the teradactyl “And that is why I will only ever be thankful for the change I have undergone, I mean I am a man who can fly without a machine.”

Laura nodded, it was truly breath-taking “Thank you, Charie, you are a valuable asset to the empire.”

Charie laughed “I know. Can you just imagine a squadron of us? Perhaps with gunners on board to drop bombs or spy on enemy settlements? Highness, you have a Royal Air Force and without a single fossil fuel.”

And there it was, a reminder that being Queen didn’t just mean a fancy crown, servants and riches, it also meant leading people into bloody battles. It meant war. It meant death. It meant an endless river of blood on her conscience.

“Yeah.” she said half heartedly “That’s amazing.”

Charie sighed “The weight of command getting to you, Maam?”

“No.” said Laura “Just sinking in. Take us down if you please?”

“Yes, Maam!” cried Charie and he began to bank to the left, heading back along the river as he descended.

Laura watched their reflection in the water and she wondered how she’d look after she defeated the Logicios, because she would have to defeat the Logicios. Afterwards, when the United Civilisations were formed, then Laura could step back and allow democracy to return but until the Logicios were defeated she could not allow dissent and in-fighting, she had to be Queen of the World.

Charie landed by gliding into land and running along until the momentum wore off.

Laura got off, thanked him and swore she would post a garrisson to look after him and grow his squadron. then she approached Lucy and stared right in her eyes. “There is just one last thing I need to see. You said you had found a way to change the gender of someone’s body?”

Lucy stared right back at Laura, she seemed different, tougher, more resolute. “Yeah, I know the mixtures. Why do you want to know?”

Laura smiled a predatory smile “Because if I say Queen Laura has the cure for body dysphoria and it doesn’t change your gender identity, it changes your body to suit your idenity then I will have a lot more willing soldiers.”

Lucy nodded “Well I don’t exactly have my equipment here but I’ll mix up a couple of batches and we can test them out at dinner.”

Laura raised an eyebrow “Dinner? Are you sure your pet will be okay with that?”

“Oh I’m going to trade her in for a Logicio the moment we get back actually.” said Lucy “So dinner at 8? Unless your girlfriend has an issue?”

Laura shrugged “Well you know I am Queen, I think she could stomach dinner.”

Lucy smiles “Excellent, I look forward to it.”

“Likewise.” said Laura laconically.

“Enjoy the ride back, won’t you?” said Lucy

“And you, the quiet romantic stroll with your pet.” said Laura.

Laura strode past and pulled herself on top of Princess, then she rode off into the distance.

“What was that about?” asked Sally?

“I don’t know” said Lucy “But it’s exciting, isn’t it? Now come on lets get you properly tamed.”

“Okay.” said Sally as she started walking with Lucy back to the hotel “But I want lots of toys you understand and you better get me kibble.”

Lucy laughed “Okay, you can have kibble.”

*

Lucy entered the Prisoner’s cell with a tall ginger woman.

“Is that the man?” asked the ginger woman.

“Yes” said Lucy “That is the man who can bend reality to his will.”

“Oh.” said the ginger woman and then she smiled “He’s quite cute actually.”

The ginger woman kissed Lucy

Lucy held her back “Amy, are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes.” said Amy enthusiastically “Lets have a really wild time.”

The Prisoner was paying attention now.

Lucy kissed Amy on the lips.

Amy kissed Lucy back.

They started snogging, their tongues exploring the other’s teeth as their hands undressed each other.

Lucy was being very deliberate in her actions, exposing Amy’s rear.

Amy was lost to the lust and her attempts to pull Lucy’s shirt off failed.

Lucy pulled away as she pulled Amy’s shirt and bra off her body before continuing to snog her.

Amy pulled away and turned to remove her shoes as Lucy sucked at her neck and explored the contours of her body.

As Amy kicked her shoes and socks away Lucy began stimulating her where it counts.

Amy rolled back onto her front and mounted Lucy.

Lucy’s deft fingers worked miracles as she kissed and sucked at the beautiful naked woman breathing heavily on top of her.

At last Amy climaxed in blissful ecstasy.

Lucy’s left hand jabbed a needle into her right butt cheek and injected 4 centiliters of blood, 1 centiliter of cum, 1 centiliter of tears and 1 centiliter of spit.

Amy cried “Thank you!”

Lucy tossed the spent syringe away and continued kissing Amy as she turned.

After 10 seconds Lucy sucked at Amy’s neck and bit down on her jugular, tearing it open. Lucy drank greedily and plunged a knife into Amy’s chest. Lucy carved a circle out of Amy’s chest then pulled out Amy’s still beating heart and cut each of the veins and arteries carefully before eating it bite by bite and swallowing it down.

Lucy whispered “On the floor, there’s a good girl.”

Amy climbed off the bench and stood on all 4s between the prisoner and Lucy.

Sally ran up with a gas powered stove, a couple of plates, a spatula, a frying pan and a rather large knife. She positioned the stove behind Amy and left the plates, frying pain and spatula there as she went to cut the Prisoner free.

“Nice show.” said the Logicio “I assume it was all arranged beforehand?”

“Entirely.” said Lucy with a smile as she proceeded to milk Amy to get some fat for the pan “Slice of arse or are you more of a breast man?”

“Arse is good.” said the Logicio.

“Excellent.” said Lucy as she carved Amy’s arse and fried the slices in her milk “I do like a bit of arse myself. I’ve been thinking of writing a book, the big book of Arses.”

“I imagine it would sell well.” said the Logicio as she watched Lucy fry Amy’s arse.

“The question is-” said Lucy as she plated up the fried arse cheeks “- will you be in that book?”

The Logicio smirked “No carrot without a stick, right?”

“Exactly.” said Lucy before biting into Amy’s arse.

The Logicio chewed Amy’s arse silently, sizing up Lucy and Sally “The question is how much carrot are you willing to give me? We both know this was just the appetiser.”

“You’re good.” said Lucy “Which is exactly why I made a deal. You see I promised these people I would help them in any way I can. Now I can trust you about half as far as I can throw you but I need your knowledge and I need your seghat. We could play good cop, bad cop or you could be my chauffeur as I inspire rebellion and loyalty to Laura, Queen of Butts. It could take months...”

The Logicio cackled “Months of you depending on me and me with my freedom and Seghat. You’d be putty in my hands.”

Lucy stared into the Logicio’s eyes “I will be entirely at your mercy.”

The Logicio sat back smiling “I want the girl.”

“What girl?” asked Lucy

“The little dyke who was waiting patiently for you to finish fucking dinner,” said the Logicio.

“She isn’t on offer.” said Lucy, tranquil fury in her voice.

“I want her to burn.” said the Logicio “And I want her to be my sylph to do with as I wish.”

Lucy shook her head “What’s the matter? Do you not like blondes? I can dye my hair.”

“I want her and I want you.” said the Logicio “And I want a girl in every port.”

Lucy spat “Viscous cunt!”

The Logicio sat back, content and smug “What was it you wanted to know?”

“How to use a quantum oscillator?” said Lucy reluctantly.

“I assume you have a memory gun?” said the Logicio.

Lucy nodded and handed over the gun.

The Logicio grinned and loaded a cartridge with the requisite knowledge.

The Logicio pointed the gun right between Lucy’s eyes.

Lucy shut her eyes.

The gun fired.

The Logicio cackled.

Lucy opened her eyes.

The Logicio handed Lucy her memory gun back. “Go get your girl’s memories, all of them. The moment you go, I burn her.”

Lucy was shaking as she staggered over to Sally.

Sally took the primed memory gun and charged up a memory gun round with an entire life’s worth of memories.

There were tears running down Lucy’s face as she kissed Sally goodbye.

The Logicio reached a finger into his arse and pulled out an infinite bag. In it he found a spare suit including memory gun, quantum oscillator, sylph pills, collars and bikinis.

Sally watched as the Logicio changed into his spare suit, pulled out a sylph pill and held it before her so he could gloat “I am going to flay the skin from your precious lover and she is going to love it.”

Sally opened her palm and accepted the sylph pill. She crunched it and swallowed. Then she started to feel just a little warm...

*

Lucy entered the restaurant in a glamorous little black dress.

Laura were her usual casual wear and Eve looked as if she hadn’t bothered at all.

“You’re dressed very smartly.” said Laura, admiring Lucy’s figure in the dress.

“Thanks.” said Lucy “I spotted someone who would make the perfect Thorough-bred and they so very kindly let me have this dress. Where are we sitting?”

“Follow me.” said Eve.

The trio headed to a secluded table for 4 and Lucy let Laura decide where to sit before sitting opposite, with her back to the restaurant as it turned out.

The waiter arrived and they ordered drinks.

As they waited Laura asked “How did your meeting with the Logicio go?”

“Oh, he was putty in my hands.” said Lucy “I played him like a violin, I did and Sally is getting tamed as we speak.”

“Good.” said Laura honestly and she smiled warmly at Lucy.

The drinks arrived “And a pint of fresh blood for the lady in the little black dress.” said the waiter.

Laura stared “You ordered blood?”

Eve scowled “You’re just showing off now aren’t you?”

Lucy shook her head “Actually blood is now a more renewable resource than water and Sylph blood tastes fantastic, plus it’s the blood of an immortal, it’s good for you.”

“Well drink it then?” said Eve

“Bottoms up.” said Lucy and she downed a quarter of it. The blood forming a red moustache on her upper lip.

“Wow.” said Eve

Laura stared at the pint of blood.

Eve caught Laura’s gaze and said “No. You are not drinking blood.”

“But it’s a weird thing?” said Laura “I can’t not try the weird thing.”

Eve said “You can’t, it’s blood from people.”

“It’s alright.” said Lucy “It’s not going to turn you into a vampire or anything.”

“I’m trying the weird thing” said Laura and she reached forward, lifted up Lucy’s pint glass and took a large gulp. “It’s nice. Quite viscous, like cough syrup, but nice.”

A moment later she said “Quite the kick too.”

“Well the sylph’s blood contains all kinds of stimulants to make them feel good about being eaten and drunk, when you drink their blood, you experience a tiny fraction of their pleasure.” said Lucy

Laura had another gulp “Yeah, I can tell. This is good shit.”

Lucy chuckled at that.

Eve took the glass “Well okay then I’m gonna have to try it now.”

Eve took a tiny sip “It’s heaven, sheer liquid heaven.”

Now Laura laughed.

The waiter arrived “What would you like to eat?”

“I’ll have the breasts and ribs combo with sausages and bacon.” said Lucy.

“I’ll have the lasagna.” said Laura.

“Salad for me, thanks.” said Eve.

“Oh and a pint of blood please?” said Laura.

“Actually, a half pint for me?” said Eve.

“And you, naked or as good as, after you’ve let them know our orders, perhaps when you’re delivering the blood?” asked Lucy.

Laura and Eve stared at Lucy.

The waiter swallowed and said “I’m kind of needed in the restaurant and well I, umm, I quite like living and not being a farm animal.”

“It’s okay.” said Lucy “I promise I will have you back in one piece to continue your shift.”

The waiter frowned then said “Okay but please be gentle.”

Lucy nodded “I promise.”

The waiter left to deliver the order.

“You’re getting a reputation.” said Laura

Lucy laughed.

The waiter arrived with the drinks and he wore nothing but his boxer shorts.

“I do like a place with quick table service.” said Eve.

The waiter smiled awkwardly and handed Laura and Eve their drinks then he sat down beside Lucy “So umm what do you want to do with me?” he asked.

“Be still and shut up.” said Lucy “You are a prop.”

Laura clicked her fingers as the penny dropped “This is the demonstration isn’t it?”

“Yes.” said Lucy with a smile.

“Demonstration of what?” asked Eve

“This.” said Lucy as she injected 5 centiliters of cum, 1 centiliter of tears and 1 centiliter of blood into the waiter.

Laura and Eve watched as the tall skinny waiter became a slightly shorter and skinnier waitress.

“You’ve gone and fucking done it.” said Laura “The op in a syringe.”

“Oh this is better than the op.” said Lucy “Complete genetic rewrite with all the same memories. Thanks to my handy dandy formula, this man could now be a mother if he wanted to.”

The waiter’s face contorted in fear.

“And of course.” said Lucy “It is completely reversable by way of the counterpart solution.” She hit him with 5 centiliters of cum, 1 centiliter of vomit and 1 centiliter of blood.

His body returned to the way he had it before.

Eve asked “What happens if you go through the change when you’re pregnant?”

Lucy shot a curious look at Laura “My advice would be don’t risk finding out.”

Eve sighed “Probably quite a good answer that.”

“Anyway...” said Lucy “I think I better escort this kind gentleman to his clothes. I’ll just leave these spare M to F syringes lying around, make sure nobody takes them.”

“Of course.” said Laura

“Brownies Honour” said Eve

Lucy and the waiter left the table.

*

Lucy returned to find a syringe missing and quite deliberately didn’t mention it as she packed away the remaining syringe.

“So what did you think of the demonstration?” asked Lucy casually.

“Oh fantastic.” said Laura.

“That thing’s going to improve a lot of people’s lives.” said Eve.

Lucy nodded “Quite remarkable really. I was actually looking for a way to make, well the one Sally’s getting done. Actually that reminds me, that poor woman has been stuck in that cupboard for 2 days now.”

“I’ll have her picked up in the morning.” said Laura “She can choose whether she wants to be a mermaid, a horse or a teradactyl.”

Lucy smirked “You know you’re getting better at this Queen lark.”

“You really think so?” asked Laura.

“We wouldn’t be having dinner now if you weren’t.” said Lucy.

“Actually we’re having dinner now because I love my Laura and I know that she would be distraught if she did not get a chance to properly see your butt before you go. So just to let you know, when we’re finished here Laura is going to strip you naked and I am going to walk you to our room on a leash.” said Eve.

“Well that’s a pleasant surprise.” said Lucy.

“I trust you can actually take orders and not just give them.” said Eve pointedly.

“Oh I think I can take orders from a Queen.” said Lucy with a wry smile.

Laura blushed.

The waiter, dressed again, arrived with the food.

Lucy dug in to her food with gusto and Laura and Eve decided to leave the conversation until after food had been shovelled into people’s mouths.

*

The waiter arrived to take away their plates and asked “Will you be having any sweets?”

“Yes please.” said Laura “2 vanilla ice creams and a latte.”

The waiter nodded and left with the plates.

“Now.” said Laura “The fun begins.”

Lucy swallowed nervously.

Laura scooted past Eve to sit beside Lucy.

Lucy asked “So this is really happenning?”

Eve nodded “I made a promise to Laura, I intend to stick to it. Of course you can say no...”

Lucy smiled “So what’s the game plan here, Laura?”

“You eat your ice cream.” said Laura “I have my fun.”

“Okay.” said Lucy “I can work with that.”

The waiter arrived with the ice cream and deserts. “Er, why have you changed places?”

“There’s going to be a show.” said Laura “You’re free to watch.”

The waiter practically ran away from the table.

“And begin.” said Eve

Lucy picked up her spoon, dug into her ice cream and pulled a sliver free. She studied the icecream for a moment then ate it.

Laura pulled down the zip of Lucy’s little black dress.

Lucy take another spoonful of ice cream.

Laura pulled Lucy’s dress free of her arse.

Lucy took another spoonful of ice cream.

Laura pulled Lucy’s dress up over her head and tossed it to Eve.

Lucy took another spoonful of ice cream.

Laura unfastened the clip on Lucy’s bra and lifted it up over her head before once again tossing it to Eve.

Lucy asked “Are you going to eat your ice cream?”

“Yes.” said Laura “But I want to strip you first.”

Lucy sighed “It’ll melt, I won’t.”

Eve sipped her coffee and enjoyed the show.

Laura said “Bit early to be saying that?”

Lucy had another scoop of ice cream.

Laura pulled Lucy’s knickers down to her knees.

Lucy enjoyed another scoop of ice cream.

Laura got off her chair and crawled under the table.

Lucy sighed as she ate another scoop of ice cream.

Laura pulled Lucy’s shoes off her feet.

Lucy stared at Laura’s uneaten, slowly melting icecream and sighed.

Laura pulled Lucy’s stockings off her feet.

Lucy said “I’m eating your ice cream.”

“No!” cried Laura and she got back in her seat and started furiously eating her ice cream.

Lucy snorted.

“This is my ice cream.” said Laura petulantly before a wave of cold hit her brain “Ow! Brain freeze.”

Lucy said “I have faced robots and gods. I have stared down Logicios and been shot. I have liberated women from concentration camps and men from reeducation centres. I have stormed fortresses and liberated prisoners and now I am getting a dressing down by a Queen who has yet to grasp that cold things need to be enjoyed with care.”

Laura said “Yeah, well, your knickers are nearly off.”

Eve snorted with laughter.

Lucy looked at Laura “One kiss?”

“No.” said Laura “You are my Sylph. It wouldn’t be right.”

Then Laura crawled back under the table and pulled Lucy’s knickers off.

When Laura emerged, it was with a triumphant smile on her face.

Eve pulled a collar and leash out of her purse.

Now Lucy’s blood stared racing.

Eve secured the collar round Lucy’s neck and the leash to the collar.

“Finish your ice cream, there’s a good girl.” said Eve.

When the waiter arrived for the bill, Laura said “I’m Queen so I’m not paying.”

The waiter noticed that the woman who had casually changed his gender for demonstration purposes was now naked on the end of a leash and decided he would not fight this one.

Laura and Eve led Lucy to their bedroom.

*

The next morning Lucy stood, posing, as Laura filmed her with her smartphone “Oh yeah. That is some great butt action.”

Lucy laughed “You know Laura you are delightfully absurd, you’re like the Mighty Boosh meets Men Behaving Badly meets Boudicca and Jesus Christ”

“Which is saying something considering you’ve met actual gods.” said Laura with more than a note of suspicion in her voice.

Lucy turned around and spread her legs wide “I meant you’re moral. You’re insane, dirty, commanding and far more moral than a guy who decides to turn up in the last act to bring about the apocalypse.”

Laura laughs “I’ll have to put that on the propaganda. The Prophet of the Lord says: More moral than Jesus.”

Lucy smirks.

The door slams shut.

Eve coughs.

“And now for the close up.” says Laura as she gets up off the bed and starts moving towards Lucy.

Eve silently reveals a leather jacket, jeans and sturdy walking boots.

Lucy grins and gives her a thumbs up.

“I wish you could stay.” said Laura finally as her camera leered at Lucy’s breasts.

“So do I.” said Lucy “I always do. Unfortunately the world is a big place and I need to help you by spreading the message of Laura, Queen of Butts, elsewhere, plus you know a hundred million universes need my help.”

Laura said “Well come and visit yeah? When peace has been made?”

Lucy nodded “Oh I am definitely coming back. Apart from anything else, I need to tell your kids about the time Mummy flew.”

Laura said curiously “Kids?”

“Well...” said Lucy “Nothing to stop you becoming a male for conception and reverting to female afterwards. Just a thought.”

Eve looked at Laura in a new light.

“I better go.” said Lucy “I have one more miracle to perform.”

*



Gavin was rocking out on stage with one of his favouite songs. He reached the crescendo and the crowd cheered. He bowed and left the stage.

He went to his dressing room and found Lucy reclining in a chair with his girlfriend waiting on her lap.

“I got bored.” explained Lucy “Don’t worry she’s not drugged or anything. I’m just that good.”

Gavin stared “Okay this has to be a wind up.”

“Told you he wouldn’t fall for it.” said Gavin’s girlfriend.

Lucy sighed “Fine, get dressed. Or not. I don’t know what you do after your... gigs is it?”

Gavin’s girlfriend sheepishly retreated to a corner to get dressed.

Gavin was furious “You realise I want to punch you now?”

Lucy laughed “I really wouldn’t recommed it. Anyway I came here to give you a gift.”

“The gift of rage?” asked Gavin.

Lucy held up a Quantum Oscillator and let the steel in her voice glimmer “Someone I care about a great deal had to burn so I could get this knowledge to you. I had to copy their entire life’s memories then shoot myself with the copy so I could extract the knowledge from them.”

Gavin was mollified, it made sense now. Lucy had spooked him so he would understand what she felt. “Well what is it then?”

Lucy shrugged “In simple terms it vibrates the strings of logic that decide reality in universes. What this means though is that you are a wizard, Gavin.”

Gavin took the small metal wand as Lucy explained “With this wand you can move things at a distance, rewrite people’s minds, create wormholes and time tunnels. You could create life from dust and render planets unto ash in seconds. With this wand and the knowledge to wield it you become as powerful as a god.”

“Then why give it to me?” asked Gavin “Jim’s in charge of security and Laura’s Queen. They deserve it more than me. I’m just the morale officer.”

“And that is exactly why you should take it.” said Lucy “With a weapon this powerful even Laura might break reality for the greater good but you? You have an important but pacifistic job, you stop rebellion and revolution by making the people happy. You can learn to use this as a tool for good and if the time comes when Laura needs a magical nuke on her side then her faithful bard will have the training and experience to remain calm and not do more than is absolutely necessary.”

“So what happens then?” asked Gavin

Lucy smiled and shot Gavin right in the eyes.

Gavin blinked “Well that was weird.”

“By the way - ” said Lucy “- it also has a vibrate setting.” With that Lucy left the room.

Gavin held the small metallic wand and looked at his naked girlfriend with interest and curiosity as an idea occured to him.

*

Lucy found Jim enjoying a pint of blood with ribs, breast, rump steak and bacon.

“Oh, you’re here.” said Jim “Come to turn me into a toad or something?”

“Actually I’m here to say goodbye.” said Lucy.

Jim felt like a dick now “Oh well, sorry about that. I know we haven’t exactly got on because you are fucking terrifying but you have helped the Queendom no end. I just wish we had more carbohydrates in our diet.”

Lucy said “Yeah I was thinking about that, you’ve got sylphs right? And you can obviously harvest organs and bones from them?”

“Yeah.” said Jim “Hence my lunch.”

“And Heathrow Airport is standing disused just nearby” said Lucy “Equip work parties with basic bone tools and starts chipping away at it. Until you make headway you can grow basic crops in the shit the sylphs produce.”

“Yeah” said Jim chewing on a bit of steak “Shit is fertiliser after all isn’t it?”

“Exactly my good man.” said Lucy.

“Well cheers for that, I’ll get working on it right away.” said Jim “But I’m guessing you didn’t just come here to say that?”

“No.” said Lucy “I came here to warn you that every universe has a Farsh-nuke. What with all the Logicios and sylphs running around, the Farsh-nuke of this universe is bound to be active and you have to be ready.”

“How?” asked Jim

“The Farsh-nuke is a weapon.” said Lucy “If you keep him well fed and satisfy his addiction to taming women he can be aimed to do your bidding and prove a valuable asset but you must always be able to kill him and whatever you do do not let him talk to Laura. Laura’s a strong woman but that only attracts the Farsh-nuke more. He will worm his way under her skin and tame her. You have to prevent that.”

Jim nodded “Scout’s Honour.”

“Swear to the gods Jim. This needs to be written into your soul so the Farsh-nuke will see it and concentrate on you” said Lucy

Jim raised the four fingers of his right hand to his head and said “I, Jim Fucking Sterling Son, do hereby decree that I will do anything to prevent Laura, Queen of Butts, being tamed by the Farsh-nuke and if I should fail may I be rendered unto shit by the great gods of reality.”

“Thank you.” said Lucy and she kissed Jim on the cheek before leaving.

Jim stared as the feeling of Lucy’s lips lingered on his cheek, wondering if he had missed a golden opportunity, and then he shrugged and ate some breast.

*

Lucy entered the Logicio’s prison cell to find a mahogany door standing in the middle of the room.

The Logicio opened the door and Lucy saw a large art deco room beyond with a mushroom shaped center console.

“Come into my Seghat.” said the Logicio.

“Said the spider to the fly.” said Lucy

The Logicio laughed and held up a hamster cage.

Lucy saw the small naked figure of Sally contained within, she entered the seghat.

The mahogany door closed and with a great stammering Sh! it faded from existence.

*

Six weeks passed and during that time a proper sylph shit plant farm was set up. The RAF grew to 30 teradactyls. The Cavalry force grew by 60. The Mermaid Navy grew to 20. The special sylphs who had burned as they shrunk were now nearly up to size again. Jim’s security forces were now kitted out with syringes so that any difficult customers were added to the farm stock. Ivana’s military were now using bone swords and clubs. Gavin had become quite good at using the Quantum Oscillator for cheap tricks. Eve was now pregnant and Laura had succeeded in taking over London. The workforces trying to break through the tarmac at Heathrow Airport were not having much luck though.

“That’s going to be the death of us.” said Jim “We can’t break through concrete. We are fucked if our enemy takes any kind of defensive measure that isn’t using people as shields.”

Laura was more positive “I don’t know, I mean we’re offering free food to everyone, we’ve got the pill to allow people to change genitalia whenever they like and Gavin is just fucking awesome. I don’t think we’re going to need advanced weaponry.”

“Yeah but we are supposed to fight the Logicios.” said Gavin “And sooner or later the power is going to go out and then we are fucked. Right back to the stone age.”

“The internet is going to die.” said Jim “That is fucking terrifying.”

“Well we own London right?” said Laura “Lot of smart people in London, lot of waste and metal too, not to mention a lot of solar panels and wind turbines. We tell them, our royal smart people, to take whatever they can scavenge and turn it to generating more electricity. We’re talking wind turbines, incinerators, get the sylphs getting their daily exercise on bikes to provide electricity, heck while we’re at it lets start up some carbon fuel power stations too. Climate change doesn’t mean shit if we know there’s a multiverse that will come to save us when we beat off the Logicios. Simple, job done. Good bit of queenyness.”

“Yeah but everything is so connected nowadays.” said Gavin “Nowhere just makes anything, everywhere is dependent on everywhere else and that entire infrastructure is just dead or dying.”

“Then our Royal Smart People will get on it.” said Laura “It’ll be fine just chill alright. I’m Queen, I’ve got this.”

*

Jim was out patrolling when he heard a voice cry out “Jim!”

Jim looked around himself nervously, figuring out places to run and hide.

“Jim Sterling!”

Jim figured it was coming from behind him and turned to look in that direction. A small figure was running towards him “Jim! Fucking!! Sterling!!! Son!!!!”

Jim could see what the man looked like now, he wore a bedraggled 3 piece suit and a fedora. And he was running at Jim.

“Yes! Hello!” cried Jim, readying his bone club.

The man stopped within a hundred metres and held his hands up “Sorry, if I spooked you.”

“How did you see me?” asked Jim, not ready to put away the club yet.

“It’s a long story.” said the strange man “I feel I should introduce myself.”

“Well that is how my meetings with fans normally go.” said Jim.

“And believe me I am a fan. Fistshark marketing, oh it does crack me up and Conrad Zimmerman? That man has such a sexy voice and such a cool name.” said the man.

“Your name?” said Jim, more sternly now.

“The Farsh-nuke!” cried the man and he charged at Jim, knocking him flat.

Jim braced for the hard slap and crack of a bad fall onto tarmac but no such sensation came. He opened his eyes, all he saw was green. An infinite endless canvas of green. It was like the ocean or space but green.

The Farsh-nuke pulled Jim to his feet and Jim screamed when he realised nothing was supporting him.

“Where the fuck are we!?” asked Jim desperately.

“Welcome to the Nothingness, Mr Sterling.” said the Farsh-nuke grandly “This is the space between the universes. This is what lies outside of your thin bubble of reality.”

“But Laura needs me?” said Jim “Gavin needs me. I’ve got a bloody Jimquisition to make.”

“I’ll take you back, don’t worry.” said the Farsh-nuke “I just wanted to show you I was legit.”

“So how is this happenning?” asked Jim “Or will knowing send me mad?”

The Farsh-nuke chuckled “Logic, Jim, that’s how this works. Every thinking being exudes logic that I can see like an aura. Your logic tells you that down is ground and that since you didn’t fall, it must still be ground.”

“And that’s how you found me?” said Jim “You saw my aura?”

“Yes and no.” said the Farsh-nuke “I saw her aura, that of the Great Prophetess. Lucy Dance’s aura is writ large throughout the multiverse, especially our tiny pocket of it and there are BIG plans for her. She made you swear an oath of alleigance that I wouldn’t tame Laura, Queen of Mirth, but she didn’t count on 2 things 1. I am technically speaking a non-gendered sapient universe soul bonded with a gay man called Frederick Hanson in this incarnation so there is no way in the entire Great Green Nothingness that I would ever fuck with someone who has stared into the long dark tea time of gender identity and 2. A man who swears to do anything to protect another to the Great Prophetess is lit up like a christmass tree. You are a mighty champion Jim Sterling, I cannot help but recognise that and seek you out so I might offer my services.”

Jim blinked and they were back in London.

“I still don’t trust you.” said Jim

“I should hope not, you swore before the Great Prophetess.” said the Farsh-nuke with a wry smile “But nonetheless how may I help you?”

Jim asked “What do you know about explosives?”

“You do realise nuke is literally my name?” said the Farsh-nuke with a chuckle.

“Okay.” said Jim “You can come but if you so much as flirt with the Queen I am beating you until you scream.”

The Farsh-nuke nodded “That seems like a very sensible idea.”

*

The Farsh-nuke walked with Jim back to the hotel and admired the teradactyls, mermaids and Thorough-breds as he passed them.

As they entered the hotel a short brunette passed by and the Farsh-nuke raised his fedora to her.

She paused and turned to look at him “Do you seriously have a fedora on your head? You know they are like the international symbol of a misogynistic douchebag?”

“Why thank you.” said the Farsh-nuke “Believe me I chose it very deliberately. Lets my prey have a sporting chance to run before I collar them.”

“Creepy.” said the woman and she strode on.

Jim stared at him “Did you mean that?”

The Farsh-nuke shrugged and entered the building.

Jim knocked on the door of the throne room then entered.

The Farsh-nuke followed.

Laura was sitting in her office chair as two women made love to each other on the table before her.

“Bad time?” asked Jim.

“Oh no.” said Laura “I just got chatting to this couple and they expressed their wish to have sex in front of me and I thought fuck it, it kills half an hour. Who is this?”

The Farsh-nuke removed his fedora and went down on bended knee before Laura “I am the Farsh-nuke, oh Queen of Mirth.”

Laura stared “THE Farsh-nuke?”

“A Farsh-nuke” said the Farsh-nuke.

“And why are you here?” asked Laura.

“I think I can help. I wish to serve you.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“Okay.” said Laura and she removed a collar from her pocket “Then I dub you legally my property.”

Laura secured the collar around the Farsh-nuke’s neck and said “Now, go make us some explosives.”

“At once your majesty.” said the Farsh-nuke and so saying he turned and walked out of the room.

Jim raised an eyebrow “You keep collars in your pockets now?”

“I’m Queen” said Laura “I have maids, I get hungry.”

Jim stared at Laura then sighed and walked out of the room.

When they were outside the Farsh-nuke said “I need to see your farm.”

Jim said “You, in a room full of naked, hopelessly submissive and obediant women? Yeah, not going to happen.”

*

The Farsh-nuke strode into the farm and was overwhelmed by the aromas and auras. A fuckton of sylphs stood on their hands and knees as men and women walked through them slicing them, milking them, bleeding them and removing their bones, even their shit was shovelled up and carried away.

“Oh yeah.” said the Farsh-nuke “Smell that?”

Jim held a hanky over his nose and mouth as he said “I’m trying not to, mate.”

“That is explosives.” said the Farsh-nuke “Methane and other noxious gasses, we just need to get that and distill it down.”

“We need the shit for the farm.” said Jim “And besides it’s fucking dangerous.”

The Farsh-nuke nodded. “We’ll have to start smaller.”

“How?” asked Jim.

“I need an Albino Sylph Squirrel and Lucy’s notes.” said the Farsh-nuke.

*

The Farsh-nuke and Jim each had a pint of blood to drink as they looked over Lucy’s notes in a set aside laboratory.

The Farsh-nuke wondered aloud “Why would they include the gender transistions?”

Jim glared at the Farsh-nuke “Are you seriously asking why someone would want to help people with dysphoria?”

“No.” said the Farsh-nuke, rising out of his chair and starting to pace the room “I’m saying that the Albino Sylph Squirrel was designed by a dying race to be their key to survival by letting them achieve a state of perfect exploitability. The people with this level of technology would no doubt already have the ability to transcend the gender binary. This is their last message to creation, their last desperate hope of survival. So why would they include the gender transistion potions?”

“Because they’re nice and they wanted to fling a light into the future?” suggested Jim.

“Good idea but wrong trajectory. I need to do some tests.” said the Farsh-nuke.

The Farsh-nuke mixed up about thirty potions and left the room.

When he returned he said “I think I might have it.”

“Well go on then?” said Jim.

“The potions don’t just force a complete genetic rewrite. They leave the soul, the literal logical signifier and all your memories in tact. You change utterly and yet the person you are remains exactly the same.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“Yes, we know that.” said Jim.

“So why include it if you weren’t planning to make use of that ability.” said the Farsh-nuke “I think this is a cure.”

Jim stared at him “You are kidding?”

“It’s only a hypothesis.” said the Farsh-nuke “But give me half an hour.”

Jim stared as he left.

The Farsh-nuke returned with a beautiful brunette on his arm. “This is Anna. Jim, say hello.”

Jim waved “Hi.”

“This is really exciting.” said Anna “An actual god?”

“I know.” said Jim “It’s unbelievable isn’t it?”

“And check out that arse?” said Anna

Jim nodded “Hmm...”

“Anna is going to be our little test subject.” said the Farsh-nuke “I am going to turn her into one of the cattle...”

Anna giggled remembering the next part “And then I’m going to strip naked and be all submissive and obedient...”

The Farsh-nuke smiled and stroked Anna’s cheek with fondness “Then I am going to remove and destroy Anna’s brain.”

“At that point, if he’s wrong, I die.” said Anna casually “But lets face it the Logicios are coming so that’s no biggie.”

“And if I’m right-” said the Farsh-nuke with a smile “-I will dose you with the transition to female pill and you will be back to normal.”

“And I will be free to go about my life.” said Anna.

“Or accept a collar and become my pet?” said the Farsh-nuke hopefully.

“Or I could do that?” said Anna and she giggled “You want to pet me.”

The Farsh-nuke blushed.

“Go on, just a stroke.” said Anna.

The Farsh-nuke tentatively stroked Anna’s head and grinned childishly.

Jim stared at the Farsh-nuke “What I don’t get is why you have to destroy her brain?”

Anna shrugged and whipered “Keep stroking.”

The Farsh-nuke explained “You are your body. If I gave you female sex organs and dumped female sex hormones into your body you would come to feel and act like a woman but you would still know, in your soul, that you weren’t what you should be. Equally I could perform surgery on a sylph to return them to human basic and over time they would come to feel and act like a person but inside they would still be a sylph.

Now we already know that Sylphs break the laws of reality so what I want to know is will the cure restore the soul to the way it should be. Anna probably wouldn’t actually die if I was wrong but there would be no way any latent biology could reassert itself after the genetic reset and so give a false positive. meaning that when Anna was restored to human basic she would still have the mind of a sylph.”

“Effectively brain dead.” said Anna.

“And you’re okay with this?” said Jim “Really? I can call him off if you want?”

Anna shrugged “I’ve got a degree in performing arts and we are now apparrently a Queendom looking to take over the world. What the fuck else am I going to do with your life?”

Jim sighed “Fine. You do you.”

Anna smiled “Ready?”

The Farsh-nuke looked into her face and said “Yeah, are you? Don’t want any last words? A last supper? A last orgasm?”

“Nah.” said Anna “Good luck. I mean if this goes wrong you’re the poor bugger who has to stick around and deal with the consequences.”

The Farsh-nuke nodded “I’ll be fine.” then he handed her a glass of disgusting looking and smelling liquid.

“Bottoms up.” said Anna and she chugged it.

“Can I have something to wash it down and clear out my mouth?” asked Anna.

The Farsh-nuke handed her his pint of blood.

She glugged it down greedily then licked her lips. She handed the glass back and sighed “Feel a bit awkward now. Just sort of standing here, waiting to turn into a sylph and have my brains bashed out. Anybody here play video games?”

Jim grinned “Yeah, yeah you could say that. I only fucking review them for a living. Jim Fucking Sterling Son, pleased to meet you.”

“Anna Guinevere Johnson, pleased to meet you.” said Anna.

They shook hands.

The Farsh-nuke watched Anna and silently counted in his head.

Anna began “See I really liked Metal Gear Solid right but...”

“But Konami can eat a box of dicks because they treat their staff like shit and they fuck up beloved franchises because all they care about are pachinko machines.” finished Jim Sterling.

“Exactly.” said Anna “I mean they keep bringing Hideo Kojima back, only to piss him off again. Just let the series die.”

“Well exactly.” said Jim “Do you play any other games?”

“I’m partial to CSGO, Battlefield... Oh and Mass Effect is awesome, except the ending and fuck their dlc practices.” said Anna.

Jim stared “Oh she is awesome. Keep her.”

The Farsh-nuke finished counting and studied Anna.

“Sorry gents.” said Anna “I think this is goodbye. It’s been a pleasure.” then a goofy grin slid across her face and she turned to the Farsh-nuke “I feel hot, Master.”

“I can help you with that.” said the Farsh-nuke and he began to undress Anna.

Jim turned to stare at the wall and hummed his theme tune to himself so he didn’t overhear what was going on.

When Anna was completely naked and standing on all 4s before him the Farsh-nuke sliced off a bit of her arse and watched. When he saw Anna’s arse heal he knew she had properly turned. “Jim, you might want to leave the room. Grab some fresh air, go for a walk, have a drink.”

Jim nodded “I think you might just possibly be right.”

Jim Sterling got up and left the room.

The Farsh-nuke picked up his tools and set to work. He used a hammer and chisel to crack the skull in a circle, then he used a knife to cut through anything, aside from the bone itself, that might hold the top of the skull in place. Then he cantilevered the top of the skull off Anna’s head, exposing her brain.

She nuzzled him and the Farsh-nuke remembered that he needed to be quick lest her body heal and set him back in his progress. He ran the long thin flexible knife around the inside of her skull and felt sick. Then he stabbed at her brain with his chisel and pulled. It was caught of course so the Farsh-nuke cut away at anything that might be holding Anna’s brain inside her skull until at last he pulled it free. He swiftly placed the top of Anna’s skull back on her head. Now he wanted her to heal.

A stupid part of the Farsh-nuke considered taking a selfie with the brain to show Anna later but no, there was a job to be done. He had to destroy the brain. He had a mincer with him, for making sausages. He didn’t think twice. The brain was minced but that wasn’t enough. Sylphs could heal beyond the capacity ascribed by physics.

The Farsh-nuke took the minced brain into the kitchen and charred it under the stove, then he smashed the blackened detritus with a rolling pin until only ash and dust remained of Anna’s brain.

The Farsh-nuke returned to his laboratory and saw that Anna’s skull had indeed healed. Now he had a quandary, when would he know Anna’s body had grown a new brain?

He stroked her face and asked her “Hey girl, how do you feel?”

Anna shrugged “Alright, Master, did you get what you wanted out of my head?”

“Yes.” said the Farsh-nuke “But I can’t do what I want with you until I know everything’s okay in there.”

“Then have another look.” said Anna “I don’t mind.”

The Farsh-nuke smiled sadly “No, you really don’t do you?”

“Something wrong?” asked Anna.

The Farsh-nuke shrugged “Just conscience. It’s fine.”

The Farsh-nuke went to the bar and ordered a tumblr of whisky.

A man next to the Farsh-nuke at the bar said “Nice Fedora.”

“Thank you.” said the Farsh-nuke “Apparently because dicks are associsated with it I am not allowed to wear it.”

The man said “That is so mean. Come, you must drink with us, it’s Erik’s birthday.”

The Farsh-nuke sighed “Fine but I should warn you I can get a little impulsive when I drink.”

“Oh come on, it’ll be fine.” said the man.

*

The Farsh-nuke entered his laboratory with the man. They were snogging each other and tearing at each other’s clothes.

The man asked “Where is there a naked woman in your room?”

“I’m gay but I keep women as pets.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“Fair enough.” said the man as he turned his rear on the Farsh-nuke and started grinding.

*

Jim Sterling returned to find the Farsh-nuke and the man passed out half naked on the floor.

Jim coughed “Been busy I see.”

“I’ll find you.” said the Farsh-nuke as the man gathered up his clothes and ran off.

Jim stared at the Farsh-nuke.

“It’s hard okay?” said the Farsh-nuke “You try destroying the brain of someone you consider a beloved pet? It is not easy.”

“Whatever.” said Jim “Just finish the job and put some fucking pants on.”

The Farsh-nuke sighed and got dressed then he mixed a fresh female genetic reset and held it before Anna “Anna, honeybean, drink this. It’ll make you feel better.”

Anna drank the potion.

The Farsh-nuke silently counted down in his head as he stroked Anna’s head. When the count reached zero he announced “This is it. Time’s up. The potion should have taken affect by now. This is when we find out if I have just murdered a very cute woman I should have liked to look after.”

Anna blinked, she stretched and felt a horrible taste in her mouth “Can I have some blood please? I can still taste the potion.”

Jim handed Anna his drink.

“Thank you” said Anna and she sat on her arse to drink.

The Farsh-nuke started to cry.

Anna handed the drink back to Jim and stood up so she could hug the Farsh-nuke “Hey what’s wrong, buddy?”

“I thought I killed you.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“Well you didn’t.” said Anna “You found the cure. Now dry your eyes and collar me.”

The Farsh-nuke pulled a hanky from his pocket and blew his nose, then with a different hanky he wiped away the tears. He pulled out a collar and secured it round her neck.

“See now, that’s better.” said Anna “You get a new pet, I don’t have to work again and Jim has someone to talk video games with. Everyone’s a winner.”

The Farsh-nuke nodded “Thank you, I won’t let you down.” then he turned to Jim, a great big smile on his face “We now have a way to temporarily procure sylph shit for making explosives.”

Jim smirked “All this so you could get some shit?”

The Farsh-nuke shrugged “I’m a linux user, going the long way around to make things simpler in future is what we do.”

*

Jim Sterling entered the throne room.

Laura was standing by the window, staring out into space, with her hands clasped firmly behind her back. “Jim, how is my latest acquisition getting along?”

“Good, good” said Jim “He has just discovered the cure.”

“To cancer?” asked Laura.

“No, to the sylph pill.” said Jim “Turns out that’s what the genetic treatment stuff is supposed to be. It resets the body back to basic human.”

“Shit.” said Laura.

“What?” said Jim “This is awesome!”

Laura turned, furious “Jim, my dear dear friend, do you realise just what a cure means for our Queendom!? It means people starve! Unless you really think that all those women the Logicios kidnapped off the street will be happy to go back to being drugged up cattle who get carved and bled and milked every day!? For fuck’s sake we can’t even impose this as a punishment because this shit is biblical! Prometheus only had his liver pecked out by crows everyday and we lock those people in a room, never feed them, take their intestines, their ribs, their leg and arm bones, their blood and their milk!!! How the fuck are we supposed to keep this shit together and not look like complete arses!?”

Jim frowned then said “Well the Farsh-nuke did find this out by promising to turn someone into cattle so he could remove and destroy her brain. I mean it was part of the test but the point is that he convinced a perfectly normal woman to let him destroy her brain and possibly kill her and now she’s his pet. I think that it’s just possible that he could convince a good deal of the women to remain as cattle and then drive more people to sign up as cattle so we can let them go.”

Laura roared with rage impotently then groaned “I do not like this Jim. I do not like being in these moments. I don’t want to make the hard decisions but fuck it if the Farsh-nuke can solve our little political problem here then he can have as many pets as he likes.”

*

The Farsh-nuke, in his three piece suit, and Anna, naked save for a collar, were crouched on the floor watching shit dry on a plate.

Anna was baffled “You bought me back for this? To watch my own shit dry?”

“Well I like talking to you.” said the Farsh-nuke “And you deserve as much free will and agency as possible.”

“But we’re watching shit dry.” said Anna “Is this like a thing for you? Was 2 girls 1 cup a turn on for you?”

“Never seen it.” said the Farsh-nuke “I just need to extract the explosive elements from the shit and I can’t do that until its dry.”

“And we have to watch it why?” asked Anna.

“Because it’s explosive.” said the Farsh-nuke.

Anna sighed “Fine. So this is us, watching shit dry.”

After a moment the Farsh-nuke said “Is it bad that I kind of want to eat it?”

Anna cried “Yes!!!” and burst out laughing.

“Well it looks like a cookie or a curry.” said the Farsh-nuke.

Anna was in hysterics “But it’s shit!?”

The Farsh-nuke sat up “Actually? Speaking of eating shit, I haven’t said hello to Gavin.”

Anna stared at the Farsh-nuke “You know someone who eats shit?”

“Oh he doesn’t but people who say he hates Ubisoft do.” said the Farsh-nuke “Apparently they have big parties where they get together, watch his videos, chant “You hate Ubisoft! You hate Ubisoft!” and then they eat each other’s shit with a splash of Mountain Dew.”

The Farsh-nuke got to his feet and stroked Anna’s back. “Come on I’m going to see Gavin, you’re free to get dressed and come with me or invite someone round to pleasure you.”

Anna thought for a moment then said “Would a bikini be considered dressed?”

*

Gavin was rocking out on stage, teleporting around to create an interesting acoustic effect and crowd surf over everyone.

The Farsh-nuke watched in silent awe. This was music a tone deaf nerd could enjoy.

Anna was head banging with glee, after all she knew she could regrow her brain if any damage was done.

Gavin ended the show and bellowed into the mic “Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen and all those who do not fit into a simple binary view of gender! I have been Gavin Dunne and you have been fucking awesome! Rock on!”

The Farsh-nuke clapped and Anna whooped.

Anna rushed forwards as the crowd left. She found her way to the stage and asked “Please can you sign my arse?”

Gavin frowned “Well I’m not sure my girlfriend would be so happy...”

“My back then?” said Anna.

Gavin sighed “Fine.”

Anna turned around and lifted up the shirt she’d agreed to wear as a compromise.

Gavin signed Anna’s back with a marker pen and noticed the collar round her neck “You’re a sylph huh? Who looks after you?”

“The man in the fedora and the suit.” said Anna “He wants to speak to you.”

“You better come backstage then.” said Gavin and he gestured to his crew that the man in the suit and fedora should be shown in.

*

The Farsh-nuke entered into Gavin’s dressing room to find Anna with Gavin and nodded approvingly.

Gavin looked the Farsh-nuke in the eyes and said as bluntly as possible “So you keep women as pets do you?”

“Yeah.” said the Farsh-nuke “It’s kind of my thing, also kind of a long story. What I am interested in and why I came to see you is that I am the Farsh-nuke and I am currently trying to make explosives from shit and I was staring at the shit resisting a primordial urge to do the stupid and dangerous thing when I remembered that you are besties with Ubisoft despite them releasing broken Fee to Pay games with day one dlc and exploitative embargos.”

And now Gavin was on high alert, scanning the room, weighing the Farsh-nuke up, doing silent calculations on what he could do with his Quantum Oscillator and generally expecting things to kick off.

“You see I know the Great Prophetess Lucy Dance was here before me and I know she helped you guys out and yet Jim doesn’t have a Quantum Oscillator and Laura doesn’t have a Quantum Oscillator but Lucy’s a clever girl. BIG plans for that one. She wouldn’t leave the revolution without a Jedi.” said the Fatsh-nuke “Luke, I am your Father, give it to me!”

The Farsh-nuke held out his right hand, palm up.

Gavin chuckled “That’s funny, that’s really really funny because you are exactly why she gave me the Quantum Oscillator.”

“Anna, run.” said the Farsh-nuke in a low whisper.

That was an order you did not disobey unless you were really really stupid and Anna was smart.

The Farsh-nuke and Gavin were left alone in the dressing room, staring at each other.

The Farsh-nuke smiled, showing off his teeth “This is going to be fun.”

Gavin said “I’m giving you one last warning. Guy with the magical nuke, back off!”

The Farsh-nuke laughed “I was born in the nothingness, shaped by it, I couldn’t blink for a hundred universe lifespans. I have fought eldergods and demigods and power mad conspirators, I am the Farsh-nuke!”

The Farsh-nuke steps forward “Back down and give me the Quantum Oscillator.”

Gavin quips “Yeah but I’m the good guy so that means I win.”

He opens up a portal on the wall behind the Farsh-nuke and a portal beside him and steps through.

The Farsh-nuke turns, laughing “But I have the gift of medium awareness, I can see between the keystreams and I think I just might have the advantage given that our little story is hosted at Farsh-nuke.blogspot.co.uk.”

Gavin laughs and blasts the Farsh-nuke with a beam of energy.

The Farsh-nuke exudes a green aura of energy to absord it.

“Your weapon is logic and I am the anti-logic. Give up.” says the Farsh-nuke

Gavin raises his wand “I may not be able to affect you directly but I can make the world affect you! Lets see how you handle a building falling on your head!”

Jim cries out “Gavin!”

Gavin turns to see Jim and his police officers rattling their bone clubs.

“You were given that on the understanding that you wouldn’t do these things.” said Jim.

“But he keeps women as pets.” said Gavin.

“And I like someone to truss me up like a Christmass turkey and slap me with a wet fish while they call me Betty of a Friday night.” said Jim “What matters is consent and Anna is most definitely consenting. She agrees that Konami is fucking awful. She is awesome. Oh and also the man you are currently about to go Godzilla on just discovered the cure to the sylph pill so he actually made it possible for more people to consent to be sylphs.”

“But he made a joke about me being besties with Ubisoft.” said Gavin.

“And there is a plate of shit in his laboratory waiting to be eaten by him as we speak.” said Jim “Calm the fuck down!”

Gavin sighed and stowed his Quantum Oscillator “If I see you within 5 feet of my girlfriend I am dissecting you atom by atom you understand?”

“Fair enough.” said the Farsh-nuke.

Jim said “Oh by the way Farshy my boy, the high Queen has given you a decree.”

“What is it?” asked the Farsh-nuke.

Jim whispered Laura’s instructions to the Farsh-nuke.

The Farsh-nuke said “Look after Anna.” and then he strode off with purpose in his step.

*

The Farsh-nuke kicked open the doors of the throne room bellowing “Laura, Queen of Arseholes, a word in your shell like!?”

He crossed the room in seconds and touched Laura’s shoulder.

Laura blinked.

They were standing in the green of the nothingness beyond the universe.

“Okay.” said Laura, adjusting quickly “You’re pissed, why?”

The Farsh-nuke glared at her “Could you just possibly convince all our cattle to choose to continue being cattle so we can pretend we have consent?”


“Oh God!” said Laura “Look, what choice do I have? If I give them an honest choice and they say no then people starve to death. If I don’t give them a choice then we have a revolt on our hands and not only do people die but the Logicios win. We are fucked either way.”

The Farsh-nuke snapped “You are supposed to be better than that!”

Laura stood up angrily and realised that there had been no chair for her to sit on “No, this was you!” she said “You created the Logicio! You sent Lucy on her mission! Do not blame the woman who had to try and clear up your shit for making unsavory compromises to achieve the greatest good for the greatest majority!”

The Farsh-nuke stared at Laura “This wasn’t me! This was absolutely nothing to do with me!”

“Farscape!” cried Laura “You heard me? I’m going nerd-fu on your arse. Do you or do you not love Farscape?”

“Yes.” said the Farsh-nuke, irritated.

“Do you or do you not ship Aeryn Sun and John Crichton?” said Laura.

The Farsh-nuke raked his hands over his face in frustration then admitted “To my dying breath.”

Laura smiled sadistically “The Farsh-nuke founded the Logicios in his image. The Farsh-nuke sent Lucy on her journey. The Farsh-nuke created the clusterfuck I am dealing with now. Hell for all I know there’s some eldritch stained idiot chronicling this right now and he probably has the Farsh-nuke as his fucking internet brand. The Farsh-nuke caused this, every last line of its disastrousness. Are you or are you not the Farsh-nuke!?”

The Farsh-nuke turned away in shame then screamed with rage.

Laura sighed “I’ve never claimed to be perfect. I’m human. I make mistakes. I fuck up and I offend people and I make compromises. No wonder you’re obsessed with sylphs, you’re obsessed with perfection.”

The Farsh-nuke sighed, the anger draining out of him at the truth of Laura’s words. He paced for a bit.

“What is this place anyway?” asked Laura.

The Farsh-nuke chuckled sadly to himself as he explained “Every star that ever was, every world, every religion, every gender and every story.” He stopped and spread his arms out wide “This is the multiverse, where all reality is kept.”

His arms flopped to his side as he chuckled “This is where you will find the world where I am not a stupid obnoxious arsehole, sorry.”

Then he strode to a place and pointed to what looked like fireworks in the distance “And that there is the frontline of the forever war between the Septagonoids and the Logicios. The reason you have to make those compromises.”

“And if they ever lose...” said Laura, watching the fireworks.

“Nothing.” said the Farsh-nuke bitterly “Ever.”

Laura sighed “What the fuck do we matter before those stakes?”

“We don’t.” said the Farsh-nuke “Not individually. Not as a minority. But a hundred million universes crying in condemnation and defiance? That matters.”

“Which is why you’ve got such big plans for Lucy.” said Laura “The man who loves his fellow man like a beloved pet can’t just stand by when his creations enact oppression so he creates agents to justify acting in their defense.”

“Maybe.” said the Farsh-nuke “But as I say I am a thoroughly different person to the Farsh-nuke who did this.”

“I know.” said Laura “He would be the one holding my leash wouldn’t he?”

The Farsh-nuke spat “Git. So arrogant, so powerful.”

Then Laura asked “Can I trust you?”

The Farsh-nuke sighed “Honestly? Probably not. I am a hot headed idiotic manipulator. The question you have to ask yourself is, am I worth the risk of keeping me alive to do your bidding?”

Laura came up behind him and placed her hands around his neck.

The Farsh-nuke closed his eyes and returned him and Laura to Laura’s throne room. He sang to himself as we waited for the death blow to come. “Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish Ladies, farewell and adieu to you ladies of Spain...”

Gavin entered the throne room, had a quick word with Laura then shot the Farsh-nuke six times in the back of his head with the Quantum Oscillator.

*

Lucy and the Logicio staggered into the Seghat laughing.

Sally looked up from the controls “How did it go?”

Lucy beamed “We did it. We actually fucking did it. That is every major country in the world helped to support its citizenry and ready to accept diplomatic relations with Queen Laura. We’ve won.”

The Logicio smiled a small smile of satisfaction. “I’m glad you’re happy, my dear.”

“Oh yes, my faithful chauffeur.” said Lucy as she put her arms around the Logicio’s neck and stared into his piercing blue eyes “How many times have you saved my life now?”

The Logicio chuckled.

Lucy kissed him on the cheek “Come to dinner with me.”

The Logicio frowned “I can’t, I promised I would never try and tame you.”

Lucy laughed “It’s okay. You’ve earned my trust. If I end the night at the end of your leash, well I figure you’ve earned me.”

The Logicio laughed “Okay, a meal out but I want you to stay frosty. Don’t go soft on me now.”

“Never.” said Lucy with mock seriousness.

The Logicio gave Lucy a peck on the cheek “I love you, you know you beautiful blonde goddess.”

Lucy laughed “Sally, you might have to bunk up tonight. We’re going out and I don’t know in what state I will return.”

Sally smiled “Lucy, I just want you to be happy.”

“And I am darling, I am” said Lucy before taking the Logicio by the hand and leading him out the Seghat.

*

They ate at a small local place and each ate a small local dish.

The Logicio asked “Did you really mean it? What you said about me having earned you?”

Lucy tried to look innocent. “Well I just figured you’re a Logicio, I’m - not getting any younger, you helped me end Laura’s war for world domination before it even began? I mean...”

Lucy gave up and stared at the Logicio. “I am so tired. Tired of making friends and enemies and hard choices. Tired of having to start over every single universe. I figure we’ve got a seghat and we’ve got a family, I don’t have to do this alone anymore. I know you want me. I’ve known since we ran away in the seghat what must be a year ago now.”

“Well six weeks.” said the Logicio “Every country we’d go back 6 weeks remember?”

“Yeah.” said Lucy, remembering every fresh start that felt better for the sense of continuity “I know you want me and I - as far as I am concerned - you’ve got me. Collar me, marry me, turn me into a mermaid and keep me in your fish tank, I don’t care. I’m yours.”

The Logicio nodded “Thank you Lucy. I appreciate it. I will look after Sally well for you. You will like your new home. Somewhere truly worthy of your beauty and kindness.”

Lucy blushed and said “Do it. Whatever it is. Do it.”

The Logicio smiled and he moved to a seat beside Lucy and started to strip her.

Lucy smiled and quietly started undoing her shoe laces, remembering how they had proved the most awkward part of her last night with Laura.

She kicked off her shoes and pulled off her socks.

The Logicio unfastened her bra and in a moment Lucy’s breasts were on show for everyone to see. His deft fingers swiftly unfastened the zip, button and buckle holding her trousers on.

Lucy stared at him as he pulled her trousers down, to leave her naked in the restaurant, and idly wondered what her new life would be. It was exciting, giving up control, trusting this man to decide her future.

Then the cable ties bonding her hands and feet. For a blissful moment Lucy was okay with this. Maybe this was some ultra bdsm thing?

Then he stabbed a steak knife through her chest and she swore words too coarse for even this publication to transmit.

The Logicio dropped her into a black plastic bag and carried her into the kitchen where he stuffed her into the fridge before striding back into the Seghat.

*

Lucy sighed, so Sally was now in the possession of a murdering arsehole, well that was a pity but at least Laura would be able to lead the fight back against the Logicios. She stepped into the next universe, a gift from the Farsh-nuke.

“Hello.” said a handsome young man “My name is Jon, this is Claire, we’re youtubers and... umm... well... we’re sort of leading the revolution against the Logicios. Do you need any help?”

Lucy stared at the handle of the steak knife in her chest and felt the restricting nature of the cable ties binding her hands and feet “You could say that, yeah?”

Claire rushed forwards with a knife and first aid kit.

“What is your youtube channel anyway?” asked Lucy.

“Umm I’m Many A True Nerd, I do a small series called You Only Live Once, you might have heard of it?” said Jon.

Lucy laughed “I’ve sort of been busy but it sounds interesting.”

Claire cut her hands and feet free, pulled out the steak knife and applied pressure to the wound.

“I’m Lucy by the way.” said Lucy “Lucy Danse. I was sent here by the Farsh-nuke to aid and incite Revolution.”

“Oh cool.” said Jon “Well you’re very welcome to join us once you’ve healed from your stab wound and found some clothes.”

Lucy smiled “Thanks.”

*

The Logicio entered the Seghat, whistling.

“No Lucy?” asked Sally.

The Logicio smiled “Oh she’s fine. I tried my best to kill her but she’s probably fine. Bastard Farsh-nuke has plans for her. The best I could do was move her onto the next universe before she was ready but no she’s fine.”

Sally smiled and idly played with the console “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you’re smart.” said the Logicio “You figured this out the moment I entered. Lucy let me tame her because she yearns for an owner but that bitch has your heart and so you have always resented and watched me.”

“How right you are?” said Sally “But I have a backup plan. A plan I enacted since before I saw you.”

“And what is that little girl?” asked the Logicio “You think some console sub routine will save you?”

“Nah.” said Sally.

The Logicio hovered in mid air “What the fuck is this?”

“Allow me to introduce myself.” said a young man in a three piece suit “I am Geoff Pottershark. I’m what you might call a fair weather sylph. Not as hard core as the egg layers but not weak either. You told her how to use a Quantum Oscillator remember? Well she smuggled me in in an infinite bag so I could practice and be here to stop you should you ever think of doing anything rash.”

“Check-” said Sally then she danced around the console and pulled a lever, which opened the doors to reveal a blackhole “-Mate.”

“You won’t die.” said Geoff “Not for a long while at least, but you might go through a few genetic rewrites. I wonder how long it will be before you become a woman?”

The Logicio stared “Have mercy.”

Sally and Geoff laughed as Geoff used the Quantum Oscillator to carry the Logicio out the doors and forcefield of the Seghat and into the singularity of the black hole.

*

The Farsh-nuke opened his eyes in surprise “I’m not dead.”

“Why would you be dead?” asked Gavin.

“Because I teleported the Queen of England and Earth to the Nothingness.” said the Farsh-nuke, turning around “I did gather that was frowned upon.”

“Your heart was in the right place.” said Laura “You were just an idiot and if I killed people for being idiots Gavin would be dead seven times over.”

“Hey.” said Gavin.

“So... er... what now?” asked the Farsh-nuke.

“I just told you how to use the Quantum Oscillator.” said Gavin “I believe you wanted it?”

“Oh yes.” said the Farsh-nuke “Bombs.”

Laura stared at the Farsh-nuke as he took the Quantum Oscillator and ran off “You know, Gavin, I have a feeling I might end up regretting not killing him.”

Gavin shrugged “You’re Queen and you legally own him, no one would stop you.”

*

The Farsh-nuke ran up to Jim and Anna “Gavin gave me the Quantum Oscillator. Tally ho! Pip! Pip! Bombs away!”

Anna grinned “Awesome! Lets go blow shit up!”

Jim said “I think I better follow to ensure you don’t blow up the world.”

The Farsh-nuke led them to the laboratory where he picked up the plate of shit, the Albino Sylph Squirrel and his equipment and then he started leading them out of the hotel.

“Where are we going?” asked Anna.

“To the bombsite.” said the Farsh-nuke.

Jim said “And what the fuck are we gonna do? I know the Doctor once joked about tripplicating the flammability of some alcohol with his sonic screwdriver but we need bombs plural and you have one sylph.”

The Farsh-nuke grinned “Just watch.”

*

They reached the bombsite, the runway just by the hotel and the Farsh-nuke spoke into his Quantum Oscillator like it was a microphone “Hello Stonehenge! Sorry little Doctor Who joke, I loved that episode. I am communicating to you now because my Quantum Oscillator is finding any speaker within the boundaries of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and using it to relay my message.

I am the Farsh-nuke! I know it sounds like a sneeze but I work for Laura, Queen of Mirth! I’m sort of her pet eldritch abomination, literally in fact, I have a collar and everything. The point is that I need you, Laura needs you, your country needs you! To come to Heathrow Airport! Queue up before the two men and the naked woman in the collar so you may be drugged, turned into a sylph and made to defecate on the runway! I need sylph shit and I need lots of it! I have one sylph and I will do what I can with her but please we need you to come!

I have the cure to being a sylph and everyone will be cured once I have the shit I need! I know it’s a long shot but if you come Laura will welcome you into her empire and you will have food and drink! Also if you’re trans, or even gender fluid, turns out the cure is literally the biological answer to that too and in the good way not the bad cure for gayness way!

Seriously come! There will be hot chicks and hot dicks! Farsh-nuke Signing out! Oh and this message will repeat every 3 hours until I have the shit I need! Sorry!”

Jim stared at him “And not in the bad cure for gayness way?”

The Farsh-nuke frowned “I’m not good at words.”

Jim shook his head in disbelief.

Anna dead panned “Actually I liked the speech, I mean I’ve got my hot dicks. Trouble is you need one more hot chick.”

There came a sound like a stammering Sh! and a mahogany door materialised before the trio.

Sally opened the door “Jim!”

“Sally!” cried Jim in return.

Sally exited the door and sized up Anna. “So who are you supposed to be?”

“I’m his pet.” said Anna “I know the clothes are atrocious but he insisted I wear some.”

Sally laughed “So Mr Fedora you’re in the business of owning women?”

The Farsh-nuke grouched “Oh for fuck’s sake! The internet ruins everything doesn’t it?”

Sally smiled “I was asking if you wanted another one?”

“Oh.” said the Farsh-nuke.

Geoff exited the Seghat.

“Hey it’s the naked guy from breakfast?” said Jim.

Geoff smiled nervously “It’s Geoff and I love your videos.”

Jim laughed “No problem pal, where’s Lucy?”

Geoff frowned.

Sally finished explaining “And then Geoff lifted him out of the forcefield and here we are.”

“Well you are certainly worthy.” said the Farsh-nuke “However I fear your Lucy would not have wanted you to go with me. I am the Farsh-nuke and-”

Sally stared at him “You’re the Farsh-nuke!?”

“Well I’m an incarnation...” explained the Farsh-nuke

Jim asked Sally “Where’s Lucy?”

“Missing in action.” said Sally.

The Farsh-nuke shook his head “She’s alive, in another universe probably but she’s alive, the Great Farsh-nuke wouldn’t let her die, not yet.”

Sally took his hands “Thank you, that’s nice to know.”

The Farsh-nuke smiled then said “Honeybean, do you feel like having a strip?”

Anna laughed “He means he wants me conveniently out of the way so he can flirt with you, and so I can produce poop for his bombs.”

Sally laughed “That’s very astute of you? Is that a problem? I mean if me and he...?”

Anna stroked Sally’s cheek “You know you’re very cute? I think you’re make a good pet. May the odds be ever in your favour.”

The Farsh-nuke produced the requisite potion.

“And as an added bonus.” said Anna, once she’d downed the potion “I provide refreshments should you get hungry or thirsty while you flirt.”

Sally laughed.

Anna said “Actually, strip me.”

Sally looked her in the eyes “Really?”

Anna grinned “I like to be stripped, you may do the honours?”

Sally shrugged “I thank you for the honour.”

Sally stripped Anna of her shirt, short skirt, bikini and flip flops.

Anna grinned goofily and went down onto her hands and knees.

Sally stared at Anna and remembered “Amy! The Logicio used to keep her in his private pantry. Geoff?”

“On it.” said Geoff, entering the Seghat.

The Farsh-nuke asked “Your Logicio had a private pantry?”

“Oh yeah, girl in every port and we visited a lot of ports.” explained Sally “But they all came willingly.”

“I bet they did.” said the Farsh-nuke, disgusted.

Geoff led out 57 naked good looking young women “I figured it didn’t make sense to leave the rest of them in there.”

The Farsh-nuke stared misty eyed at the naked women “Shit machines. You must remind me to cure them all afterwards before offering them to sign up as cattle for the good of the Queendom.”

*

Hours passed as Jim, Geoff, Sally and the Farsh-nuke talked. During that time cars would pull up and people would get out. Some would ask where to go to join Laura’s empire but most would cheerfully drink the potion, strip naked and join the growing crowd of naked beautiful women whose sole job was to shit on the runway.

The first night was so successful that they decided to continue it through the night, then the next day and finally the rest of the week.

Finally Laura sent a special envoy over to speak with the Farsh-nuke and encourage him to do something besides stand guard over beautiful women already. The Envoy was gladly received as the Farsh-nuke enjoyed his one night stand and enjoyed taming the women so they might join the flock but regretfully decided to stand vigil over his flock.

*

There was a knock on the mahogany door.

“Come in.” said the Farsh-nuke.

Laura entered the Seghat.

Sally was curled up in a corner of the room and Jim and Geoff were playing a complex japanese card game.

The Farsh-nuke farted with fright.

“Farsh-nuke, I appreciate that I asked you to make explosives and you set about getting the raw materials, I appreciate that I asked you to find me more cattle and you found me more cattle.” said Laura “You’re doing a good job, a very good job but I think you can afford to... oh I don’t know... actually make the bombs now.”

The Farsh-nuke frowned “But I like my job here. People turn up, I tame them, it’s fun.”

“And I’m glad you have found job satisfaction.” said Laura “I like butts, I am the Queen of Butts, that’s how this mess started but you are an eldritch abomination with a Quantum Oscillator and the ability to manipulate people. You can be more! I am your Queen and your legal owner, I will garrison this position and see that your sylph harvest continues but you need to make the fucking bombs!”

The Farsh-nuke asked “Can I return afterwards? Just to watch?”

“Yes, you can watch in your spare time” said Laura “Just make the fucking bombs!”

The Farsh-nuke sighed and strode out of the door of the Seghat.

Laura followed.

The Farsh-nuke raised his Quantum Oscillator and said “There! You happy!”

Laura wondered what he was talking about but then she saw that the entirety of the tarmac beneath the Sylphs had been blown up. I mean okay so had their arms and legs and some of their faces but they could heal, that was the point.

Laura marvelled at him “The shit is the bomb?”

The Farsh-nuke shrugged “With the correct source of ignition, yes.”

“Okay.” said Laura “Since I’ve finally got you doing stuff, can you sort out our power issues?”

The Farsh-nuke whistled into the Seghat.

Sally blearily raised her head “Yes?”

“Huge coil of wire and gigantic magnet?” asked the Farsh-nuke.

“On it” said Sally.

Laura glared at him “You woke Sally.”

The Farsh-nuke shrugged “She likes to help.”

Laura asked “What happened to Lucy?”

“Bastard Logicio betrayed her but she’s fine in another universe most likely.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“And you’ve adopted Sally?” said Laura.

The Farsh-nuke tried to find the right words then gave up and said “I don’t know. I think I’m just her caretaker, a safe pair of hands until Lucy returns but I like her. She’s a good girl.”

Sally arrived, pulling a trolley on which sat a massive spool of wire and a massive magnet, the door widened to let them pass.

Laura asked “Are you okay?”

Sally caught Laura’s gaze and said “No.” with real emotion.

“Well we can talk about it whenever you like.” said Laura.

“Thanks.” said Sally “I’d like that.”

The Farsh-nuke was muttering to himself “... compensate for the spin of the Earth and galactic orbit...” and then he opened two portals. He bonded one end of the wire to the top portal and the other end to the bottom portal then spun it so the wire hung down in a great coil, leaving a hollow cylinder of space in which - Poof! - the magnet would now fall indefinitely as it entered the bottom portal only to fall from the top.

“There you go.” said the Farsh-nuke “Free infinite electricity. I can set these up anywhere, even round the moons of Gallillee.”

Laura stared at him “If I could actually get you to do what I wanted you could probably take on the Logicios by yourself.”

The Farsh-nuke laughed “I got the idea from Tom Scott, brilliant youtuber.”

Sally asked “Since you’ve solved climate change do you want to find Anna?”

“Oh, yes, good idea.” said the Farsh-nuke and he went to retrieve her.

Jim Sterling emerged “Everything alright?”

“Yeah.” said Laura “Keep him busy.”

“Got it.” said Jim then he ran over to the Farsh-nuke and said “You know we’ve got horses, mermaids and teradactyls?”

Anna regained her senses “Oh yeah. They’re bloody brilliant.”

“Do you reckon you could build armor and weapons for them?” asked Jim.

“Show me.” said the Farsh-nuke.

*

From there the empire of Laura, Queen of Mirth, grew and grew. There was free food for everyone, infinite bags provided homes for everyone and made travelling the world easier and cheaper. Doctors and nurses and scientists became more common thanks to memory guns. The sylph pills offered new ways to live and new ways to love. The society became more liberal as the shame that held it back and repressed it was exorcised. Trans and genderfluid people ceased to have any discrimination or dysphoria because the cure to the sylph pill was the answer to their problems. Conventional cattle farms were abandoned as a new consent culture demanded sustainably sourced Sylph meat. The pace of climate change was slowed to a crawl and gradually the damage started to be undone as free green electricity and sustainable sylph farming turned back the carbon clock.

Laura herself was a just and fair ruler. She encouraged grass roots democracy to flourish and let most countries within her empire have a relatively free reign so long as they practiced feeding and housing the poor for free and sent what men and women they could spare off to join the great global navy, cavalry, infantry and air forces. This they largely did gladly as it was so easy and because those who didn’t faced the Farsh-nuke turning up in his Seghat.

Always the great ships of the Logicios loomed over head, a warning of the stakes of failure should any mishap show weakness and Logicios would regularly try to assassinate Laura, the Farsh-nuke or Jim but never Gavin because seriously who looks at a long haired rockstar and thinks “You are training to be a master with the Quantum Oscillator and are a massive danger if left unchecked.”

Then the Farsh-nuke came to Laura with a mad idea...

*

“Dragons?” said Laura, incredulous “You seriously expect me to believe you can turn people into dragons?”

The Farsh-nuke looked Laura right in the eyes and said “Yes, dragons.”

“How?” asked Laura “How is that all possible?”

“Ah the complicated part.” said the Farsh-nuke and he starts pacing the room “So I googled myself and I found something really interesting. There’s a keystream in this universe, that is someone who writes fiction that coincides with reality? Well he’s written stories about my life, about you? And he’s met you in fact. Alexander Gordon Jahans is his name.”

“And?” said Laura, the name drawing a blank.

“And he wrote a story, well a script, following a different Farsh-nuke whose name is William Dickson Wright.” said the Farsh-nuke “It was an interesting read and one thing that struck me was that there is an episode where the Farsh-nuke’s future female self the Unleasher reunites with the Farsh-nuke’s old dragon from before his and well my fall and then this dragon blasts a sylph, called Goldfish because this William fellow has a nasty sense of humour, and she becomes a dragon.”

“So what you’re telling me?” said Laura skeptically “Is that you read a piece of fiction where a dragon turns a sylph into another dragon and you think that means you can make dragons?”

The Farsh-nuke laughs “Laura he wrote this very conversation. This is some serious keystream shit going on here. He’s legit. Though you do have a fair point, we don’t have a dragon to make a dragon but we do have a Seghat.”

Laura raised an eyebrow “Go on...”

“The Logicios hate artificial intelligence” said the Farsh-nuke as he paced “These are supernerds remember? They’ve seen how many times that goes wrong so they don’t build SEGHATs. That is Septagonally systEmic Green nothingness HAbitational Transcenders. They grow them.”

The Farsh-nuke glanced at Laura to make sure she was still paying attention then continued “They take the smartest of the sylphs and they make them smarter. They have these devices called Logic Lances and they’re a bit like memory guns. They fire concentrated logic right at the brain allowing for superfast learning.”

The Farsh-nuke paused to clear his throat then continued “Except the thing about people is we are beings of logic that have grown up inside bubbles of logic and we can think logically. That’s a problem because the smarter you get, the more logical you become, the easier it becomes to see how logic connects everything and knowledge is power, right?”

The Farsh-nuke pauses and looks Laura right in the eyes as says “They start to control the fabric of reality with their minds.”

The Farsh-nuke starts pacing again, excited now “The Logicios love this and they encourage this. Soon these flesh and blood Sylphs are like I was in the Nothingness, like the Septagonoids are inside their metal machines, they become beings of pure logic and energy. They grow the SEGHAT around them and accept pilots because despite being powerful superbeings they are still sylphs and they like to be submissive and take orders. And then anyone who gets a bit feisty and doesn’t run away to join the Architects of Chaos gets effectively lobotomised and slaved to another SEGHAT heart to run the virtual reality decks say.”

The Farsh-nuke finishes and pants excitedly “If a Logic Lance can turn a sylph into me then with the right programming it can turn them into a dragon.”

Laura thought for a second then asked “Could we make SEGHATs?”

“Well I suppose so.” said the Farsh-nuke “But I’d rather make the dragons.”

“Then make both.” said Laura “And get Gavin to help.”

The Farsh-nuke whined “But Gavin’s a rockstar, he’s cool.”

“And what do you have against cool people?” asked Laura.

“School.” said the Farsh-nuke “You try being an all powerful deity trapped inside the body of a nerd as the cool kids beat the crap out of him, it is not fun.”

“Gavin makes music based on video games and he’s nice.” said Laura “Work with him.”

“Fine.” said the Farsh-nuke “But if I end up atomising him out of fear, it’s on your head.”

*

And lo a SEGHAT production line was started up and a dragon corp was created. The Farsh-nuke and Gavin not only avoided atomising each other but became an effective team.

Now the great ships overhead were scared. They sent wave after wave of monstrosity to try and weaken or destroy the empire but each wave failed.

Finally as the new SEGHAT and dragon corps reached war levels Laura decided it was time to go on the attack.

*

“People of the World, this is your Queen, Laura. I have decided that enough is enough. We are now at war. We will take on the Logicios and we will win. Now is coming, the month of hell. We will be at total war and I want everyone working their hardest to destroy the Logicio menace once and for all. I say this to you, one way or another, in victory or in defeat, there will be butts!!! So fight well, my subjects, for this month we dine in hell!”

Every missile left that could be fired with reasonable accuracy was aimed at the Logicio ships. Teradactyl squadrons went on bombing runs. The Seghat corps materialised infantry and cavalry fleets inside the ships. Mermaids carried supplies back and forth between the different countries in the empire. The dragon corps did fly by flaming. Jim Sterling led his security services on a raid into the Logicio warships to liberate Sylphs so they might join in the fight back. The Farsh-nuke, Sally, Geoff and Anna were a roving shock force taking out the weapons systems and stopping the Logicios from flying away or calling for backup.

Laura and Eve sat alone in the throne room, watching the carnage unfold out the window.

“This is it.” said Laura “This is why I’m Queen, to be the neck this axe falls upon.”

A female Logicio in combat gear with rich black hair materialises behind Laura “Check and Mate. Knight takes Queen.”

“How right you are?” says Gavin, decloaking “Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Gavin Dunne and I am the miracle of sound.”

The female Logicio starts screaming and is sent writhing to the floor in pain.

Laura turns, staring at Gavin “What are you doing to her?”

“Localised sound field.” says Gavin “She can now hear her every slightest bodily vibration at a volume that-” The female Logicio stops writhing and screaming, motionless “-no sapient creature can tolerate without going unconscious.”

Gavin scoops the body of the unconscious female Logicio into an infinite bag “The Farsh-nuke will have fun with this one.”

Laura continues to stare at Gavin “Remind me never to piss you off.”

Gavin laughs.

*

The war is over within a month and Laura’s empire holds together as countries are restored to greatness. Gradually her power becomes more ceremonial than dictatorial and capitalism returns. Sylphs are sold as pets, including the Thorough-breds, teradactyls and mermaids.

Then comes the day when the United Civilisations of the Multiverse is formed.

“Hello” says the 8 foot tall Great White Shark with robotic arms and legs “You may call me Nikola, I am an ambassador from the Charicthy I am told that you are the Queen?”

“Well yes” says Laura, shaking the hand of the cyborg shark “I am Laura, Queen of Butts and Mirth and Earth, pleased to meet you.”

Nikola thought for a second then said “I believe we will get on well, I too like the tail.”

*

Years pass and the Queendom of Laura is an integrated part of the United Civilisations as the forever war goes on with fresh savagery as the Logicios are now emboldened by their allies. Lucy Danse has gone on to be a figure head for the United Civilisations having been turned into a Sylph by the Great Farsh-nuke so she might lead every front in the war personally and her owner is none other than the Goddess of Light Gfaxxy Quluwmcy or Kate to her friends.

A visitor arrives for Laura as she sits in her now much more ornate throne room to record the Podquistion with Jim Sterling and Gavin Dunne.

Laura falls silent as the visitor enters.

She is tall, blonde, beautiful and dressed in a gorgeous three piece suit. She says to Laura “Lucy Dance sends her regards.”

Laura stares “But you’re her aren’t you? You look just like her?”

“I’m a hatchling.” said the visitor “Lucy can’t make it because well she’s busy saving the multiverse and fighting for Sylph Equality and you know all that good stuff but she never forgot you, never forgot that night and she never forgot Sally either. I know because I have her memories. In many ways I am her or more accurately as I am a sylph... yours. If you want me that is?”

Laura stood up “You’re serious?”

The visitor, laughed, blushing “Yeah.”

The End