Bloggage 12 07 2019

Bloggage
12/07/2019

By
Alexander Gordon Jahans

I have had family round. It’s been great. Sometimes hard but great. Yesterday I slept near non stop, only waking briefly to use the toilet, let the cat in or out, take my meds, eat something and watch something to overwrite the still fresh and seemingly so important memories. I wondered why I slept so damned much but now I get it.

I am autistic and it is part of me but because it is an inextricable part of who I am I forget it’s there. Autism is like walking around with lime green skin that appears perfectly normal to you. You only notice that you have it because of how people react to you.

Socialising is hard for me. Social skills have to be consciously remembered and they are different for each person. With family round I have been very social and that has come at a cost. I was famished constantly while they were round but the last two days my appetite has been near non-existent. I thought it was a bug until I remembered I was like this before family stopped by to visit. My body was so consistently tired from the strain of fitting in that it raided energy where it could.

I do not regret the choices I made. I love my family. I love those I consider family. I know the choices I made to be present for them and I know they were not ungracious or selfish about it. We had a lovely time but that time is over now and real life resumes.

I am not yet at the stage of doing 5 mile walks every day, not least because of the heat and I fear my body shall require me to rest more yet, but I am better. I have rested and I am starting to piece my life and normality back together. My brain abhors routine but such stability as I have is being put back together.

I can’t go from nothing to normal in an instant. I need to let myself rest as much as my body feels necessary given that family time has clearly exerted a cost but I will start walking again. Short distances every few days at first but I will build up that muscle. Once my psyche has recovered from the social strain I need to reread the fiction I was working on and get back to the writing mindset. It won’t be easy. I know it won’t be easy. I will do it though.

I have reached the surface after a long time in the depths of socializing and I am happy to breathe clearly again in the light of a new day. Things will be okay.