Bloggage 18 11 2021

 So two or three years ago I made the decision to accept that that this is now my life. Then in late 2019 inheritance money meant I could get a proper gaming computer and my family got kittens. I decided then that with my money from not needing to save up for a computer I would begin to go out but hey I had a new computer and kittens so I decided to stay inside for a bit and enjoy them. 

Then the pandemic happened.

There is a punch of stuff that has happened the last two years that I can’t talk about here but basically there was stuff that didn’t involve me and was not pandemic related but has been causing me massive stress the last two years anyway. It seems that maybe that suff has gotten better or maybe this is just a lul but the point is that atop the pandemic this unnamed Y Factor has been causing additional stress.

So I buried myself in my writing and became active online. I made friends and solidified current friendships. Things were good. I even edited and reuploaded a bunch of old fiction. I even managed to finish Weresylph Dawning - an incredibly fucked up story I was once really invested in.

I am writing this blog because I feel weird. Like I’ve finally had the time to grow as a person and I have realized some things about me. 

1. I’m probably non-binary in some way. While I don’t feel confident not calling myself cis yet lest I offend actual trans and non-binary people, I have accepted that I’m probably not a cis guy and that’s okay and I am quietly letting myself explore that. It’s hard given the Y Factor and the pandemic but it’s a thing. 

2. I am not the monster I feared I was but neither am I the logically perfect always right moral paragon I thought myself to be. I’m okay. I’ve said some weird shit and been insensitive and stupid and the Y Factor has helped me see I have a lot of baggage to deal with psychologically but I’m still basically okay.

3. If left alone and allowed time to sleep and recover I can quietly be productive. The last two years have been hard but I proofread, edited and in some cases finished novel length stories then uploaded them to my blog as free stories. Nobody reads them but they are things I wanted to get done and I am glad I did. I am also now so close to getting my mods sorted so I can play modded skyrim again. Something that has taken ridiculously too much effort but that I hope will be worth it and has certainly been a learning experience.

4. While I still have bad days, sometimes very bad days I mostly like my life now. That feels weird to say because I know that I have big problems with the way the world is and my life is and could and have ranted for hours but it’s still basically true that for the most part I like my life.

5. Somehow I became a mature person who helps people sort through their problems. That feels so weird to write at 4 am in a dressing gown and pyjamas while my barbies sit on my desk and my Amy Pond and Clara Oswald Standee are nearby and my model starship collection grows but it’s true.

Oh and I watched all of TOS, TAS, TNG, DS9, VOY and ENT and I really need to finish and upload my thoughts on it. I also watched all of Seaquest DSV, it deserves to be enjoyed as much as star trek and deserves to come back.

I feel weird because I am so close to finishing my modded Skyrim now and I am realising that I am not the same person that graduated university. I think this feeling is compounded by the fact that I have basically found a youtuber who is like me but more polished. I won’t say who that is on my blog because I have nazi stalkers but it’s like that void I wanted to fill with my videos is filled. Even better I get to watch thisversion of me from another universe make videos that I truly love. 

Anyway that’s where I am. 

Oh and the NX-01 is the best Enterprise don’t at me lol