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Friday 21 December 2018

Sorry for the Hiatus

Anxiety is bad.

I am working on a new fantasy prose series called Love Hurst. Whether I will actually finish it is another matter.

So to explain a little. I wrote fairly prolifically during a period after graduating a course in Creative and Professional Writing and Film Studies. During this time I got diagnosed with Kallman's Syndrome and Growth Hormone Deficiency and experienced depression as a result of this. Add in nazi stalkers and family drama and things started to reach as boiling point. Then I fucked up.

I wrote a fanfic about some podcasters in the new media that I still respect and enjoy the work of even if it's sometimes painful. The problem is that I am stupid, autistic, still figuring out my kinks, still learning about how to best represent transgender people and I have condition where I as a cis man need testosterone injections that I personally would love to cure, even if it meant drinking a cocktail of shit and vomit. I do think that some things were taken out of context. Like it's pretty clearly SRS in a bottle if you read the context and it is established within the story that I and the Farsh-nuke are separate characters. That said the people who made the accusations were people I regarded as good friends and trusted and they made pretty clear that it wasn't just the fanfic that was the issue so I believe them. This event genuinely destroyed me. I don't think I will ever stop feeling sorry. Which in itself feels arrogant and selfish. As if the only plight affecting transgender people is some nonsense I wrote in a free fanfiction.

I have basically spent my whole life being bullied in one shape or form and I have a lot of internalised self loathing as a result butt the one thing I held in good regard about myself was my behaviour and morality. That illusion was destroyed and it destroyed my faith in myself and in my writing.

Add into this mess nazi stalkers fired up by Trump and Brexit becoming frenzied at my deteriorating sate of mind and I decided to chuck it all in and delete my stuff.

I have been on anti-anxiety meds for about a year now and I feel better, more stable, there are less steep cliffs. That's not to say it's all perfect, I cried more in the last six months from just general stress and exhaustion than I have about anything since I finished school.

I am though reaching the point where I am considering self publishing my content again. What I will try to do is go through each story I upload fixing typos and changing needlessly problematic content. I say needlessly problematic content because when you write fetish stuff and horror stuff there is generally problematic stuff that comes with the territory but I will try to be better about flagging that content so you don't see it if it bothers you.

There are some stories I am considering rewriting and uploading to form a background for new fantasy series coming sometime towards the end of next year. I hope you will join me then.

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